Waiting

[Beck268]

I'm struggling tonight and it's hard to know where to turn sometimes. It's Valentine's day and I don't want to bring any of my family or friends down. My partner is with his kids tonight (that's another story.. his culture means his kids don't know about me yet, even though we've been together nearly 3 years). Anyway, I'm new to this site and just needed to reach out. I'm 40 now and I've had 2 ectopics, 1 miscarriage and most recently a chemical pregnancy. I have one tube left and I'm having a hycosy scan on Tuesday to find out if it's blocked. I so desperately want this scan so I can think clearly about the next step. Right now it's like I'm on this road with so many possible paths leading from it. I might fall pregnant again and have another ectopic, fall pregnant and have another miscarriage, fall pregnant and have another chemical pregnancy, not fall pregnant at all, or fall pregnant and everything be ok. Every month is a rollercoaster. Will I come on? Am I feeling pregnancy symptoms? Will it be ectopic again? Should I rest? Should I carry on as normal? Will I ever be a mum? I mean, I AM a mum to my angel babies and I think about them every day.. but will I ever have a living child? Should I give up on having my own baby and seriously consider adoption? Some days I feel the fire inside me and I'll never give up, but other days it's just too tiring and I can't deal with it any more.
I hate sounding so self pitiful. I'm lucky really, I have 2 amazing nephews and so much support from my partner, family and friends. But I needed to reach out.
Is anyone else here going through this uncertainty? Is anyone else wondering where to draw the line and look into adoption?
Thanks for listening.
Becky.
Xx

[ddraigygoch]

Will he tell his children about you if you become pregnant? I'm sorry you're going through this. So sorry.

But that really jumped out at me. The children who already exist could suffer through their fathers poor choices.

[Beck268]

Thank you for replying, ddraigygoch. He does desperately want them to know about me, and they will soon. If we get pregnant again and make it past 12 weeks then he will definitely have to speak to them if he hasn't by then. I try to be understanding to the whole situation but it's tough. I really love his kids and feel like they are part of my life, even though I'm not yet part of theirs. I'm scared and anxious for all different reasons.

[ddraigygoch]

But that's ridiculous. You can't spring a new partner and baby on them at the same time. That's cruel.
What culture doesn't allow him to introduce you before he impregnates you. That's absolutely awful.

Culture is not law. I would honestly prioritise becoming a real functioning family before you move forward.

[ddraigygoch]

Sorry but you can't love them. You don't know them. What if you and them don't get on? What if they reject you and need time to come around to you? How will that work if you're pregnant?

Do you know how they behave? What are the plans when you're PP?

[EarlGreyT]

I am sorry to hear you are struggling and feeling fed up.

Have to say I agree with @ddraigygoch. The whole situation is a disaster.

You mention whether you should look into adoption. Adopting is not an easy choice or a second best option. It’s an entirely different way of having a family and it’s about finding appropriate parents for children and not finding you a child.

The adoption process is hard and gruelling. And I think wouldn’t get anywhere with it given the dysfunctional relationship between you, your partner and his children.

[ddraigygoch]

Also I don't think you'd pass the adoption panel.

[Mollie3]

Hi Beck, I’m really sorry for your losses. You are very brave to have been through all that and to be continuing on the ttc journey.
If your partner is willing to tell kids about you once pregnant, surely he should be willing to do this as things stand, as it will be best for them to get used to the idea of you first, then any possible future baby.
3 years is a very long time to keep you a secret from them. I would be questioning if there is anything he is perhaps not informing you about. How old are kids? Is there an X on the scene?
Considering the above I don’t think adoption with said partner would be feasible until the issues are dealt with.
Hope your scan goes well Tuesday and sending you kindness and good wishes x