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so much sadness

(18 Posts)
hitamuspotamus Fri 07-Feb-20 23:06:40

Hello, I thought it might help to share our story with other people who might be going through something similar. Who else is there to talk to really? It feels such a private subject that most people just dont understand or dont want to hear about. We all have our burdens, and at the moment my particular burden is about aging (I am 43), grief over a lost baby (we terminated our recent pregnancy at 13 weeks as our little boy had severe Patau's, those really were horrifically stressful times), grief at the thougth of not having a second child and a sibling for my beautiful first child, monthly grief at not being pregnant again, and again, and again, fear of being with people who are pregnant or have small children, numbness to the magic of other people's small children, finding it hard to get back into work or caring about my career, feeling isolated by my sadness, and wishing I could hurry up and stop grieving. Would IVF help me? Its so much money and there is no high probability it would. Is it possible to just relax and let whatever will happen happen? I could do more exercise, I already eat healthily, perhaps I could work on relaxing more. Any advise welcome! Thank you, and good to talk

fool11 Sat 08-Feb-20 12:55:15

Hi @hitamuspotamus, I’m sorry to hear what you are going through and see myself 6m ago..we have one DD 5y old and been trying for the second one for years, I got pregnant 2y ago but sadly we found out at the scan that there was no heartbeat and had a surgery to remove it, 2years later I still get upset just thinking about it..we’ve been trying since but unsuccessfully. I went to see a fertility specialist at local hospital who basically wasn’t interested, although my blood tests were fine, as I was 44 they said I’m old, there is nothing they can do for us, told us to try ivf privately...I’ve never even considered ivf but decided to see a consultant at private clinic who unfortunately said the same, although good blood tests, my husband’s sperm analysis came back as above average but issue was the age ..they told me chances were about 1-2% but their cut of age was 42 for using own eggs and using DE was not an option for us, they couldn’t do anything for us. It’s kind of soul destroying to realise that that’s it, I’ll never have a baby again, it’s the end. I was really upset and like a zombie for weeks. I spoke with my friend and she mentioned that her friend 44 just had an ivf and had a baby boy and gave me details of the consultant. We met the consultant who said that chances are indeed 1-2% but it’s not impossible..I had 4 days to decide if I want to try or not as my period was due and my 45bday was the following month..I was a difficult decision as it costs a lot and chances close to zero but we decided to give it a go, as a last try, so I don’t have regrets in 20y time... I knew my eggs would be rubbish, but we got 11eggs, 10 fertilised , 2 were put back on day 5 and I’m 15w pregnant with one..you can only try, were were incredibly lucky it worked, but taking day by day as it comes.. Still long way to go but glad we tried. I wish you all the best x

Musttryharder21 Sat 08-Feb-20 21:31:43

Hi OP,
So very sorry to hear of your beautiful little boy flowers That must have been so incredibly hard and life-changing.

I remember thinking every month that I may as well have a hysterectomy because periods were pointless. Standing in the supermarket crying in the nappy aisle. Little things turning me into the biggest emotional wreck.

My brother is NC with me now because apparently I have no empathy or understanding for anyone else now. NO - I just don’t have any for HIM because I used it all on myself. How incredibly selfish of me! And he didn’t like that confused He already had 2 children 🤷🏻‍♀️

Our situations bring out the best or worst in people I’m afraid. My in-laws told us it obviously wasn’t happening because we’d be shit parents shock whereas my parents paid £60k for us to get DD.

The one piece of advice I can offer is that IVF/ICSI has a success rate of 50%....it either works or it doesn’t so scrap the HFEA results. What you see when you look at the results is your likely chance. Unlike PP, I have an autoimmune condition so have no eggs. We used a donor overseas (because of the anonymity ban being lifted in the UK making my DH unhappy + waiting times in the UK were beyond insane)

Acupuncture may help? I like Bowen Therapy as it’s not as ‘invasive’.

My closest friend went to see Zita West after 2 years of trying and within a month of seeing her, got pregnant naturally. Might be worth reading her books and I know she has some CD’s out too.

Not sure this answers your question but wanted to acknowledge your situation as I know it feels lonely xxx

resipsa Sat 08-Feb-20 21:46:37

Oh OP. Your post took me back to the dark times. Like you I became obsessed with a sibling for DD. I ceased to enjoy her or any situation in which there were siblings (most of my life outside work!). 3 miscarriages and 3 rounds of unsuccessful IVF later, my DH was diagnosed with cancer. You'd have thought this turn of events would make me see sense but no instead I badgered him to get his sperm frozen before he started chemotherapy. I was a self-absorbed bitch. But he did it, I forced him into a round of donor egg IVF and DD2 is now 4. It was bloody awful to go through but I still have no regrets despite my awful awful behaviour because nothing felt as bad as the dark days of wanting. Even now I sense the relief of no longer wanting something seemingly outside my grasp. So, my advice would be to try IVF and exhaust all options before declaring yourself at the end of the road.

hitamuspotamus Thu 13-Feb-20 19:59:12

Thank each of you for taking time to reply to me. I really appreciate it. Its a boost to have you hear my problem and then respond, sharing so much of your intimate eperience. I really like all your suggestions too. I am looking into acupuncture and relaxation techniques. You are all so strong to have gone through IVF. I have watched documentaries about it and found the films ‘Only you' and 'Private life' so heartwrenching. Infertility and fertility issues are so taboo I really appreciate people shining a light on them and helping others stuck in the dark times.

I had an awful message this morning from someone I havent seen for months, announcing their new baby with a photo of them holding their DD2 in a water bath making out it was all so effortless. I have no idea what to say. Surely its obviously extrememly insensitive as they know I lost my baby boy just a few months ago. Saying nothing seems harsh, but I dont want to get drawn in to having to explain why its painful and then potentially meeting up to see them with their little baby. It was a bad start to the day.

@fool11 I suspect I will forever feel sad when I think about our little lost baby. I imagine the promise of new life is very healing. I hope you are feeling well and wish you really good pregnancy and healthy happy baby- what a good decision to go for it!

@musttryharder21 thank you for so many great suggestions and your lovely message. I know all about annoying brothers! I hope your realtionship can heal in time, and he can really hear what you have been through and be kinder.

@resipsa I am so in awe of your determination and strength, thank you so much for your inspiring message.

Its a very strange time in my life thats for sure.

Musttryharder21 Thu 13-Feb-20 21:28:19

Oh Sweetheart,

You’re under no obligation to see them. Please don’t pressure yourself any more than you have to. This is exactly what I mean when I say up thread about our situation bringing out the worst in people....they have failed to acknowledge your situation in a sensitive manner. They could have sent you a simple one-liner of ‘Our baby is here and we know how very privileged we are. We hope to hear from you but imagine you may not wish to be in touch right now’ but others just don’t get it unless they’ve been in this position.

There’s no right or wrong way to respond to their message when you yourself are grieving and questioning your own situation. Take your time because once you have said something, it can’t be un-said, whether it’s a negative or a positive comment that’s not quite coming completely from your heart.

The irony is that you wouldn’t wish this situation on anyone else.

My brother won’t get in touch again until we lose our parents which is incredibly sad. I have tried relentlessly to speak with him but he fails to acknowledge his ways. It’s all my fault apparently. But thankyou for hoping smile.

twinkledag Sun 16-Feb-20 17:03:04

I'm so sorry to hear about your little boy OP 💐

hitamuspotamus Sun 03-May-20 13:49:17

Hello
So in early March we conceived again, and had a nerve wracking nauseous few weeks until last week, when I should have been 9 weeks, and the nhs gave me a scan, on my own due to covid19, only to find a missed miscarriage. There was a very high probability of miscarriage given my age, so in some ways it wasn’t a huge shock. Of course there were tears. They were very kind and helped me with an MVA the next day, which I was scared about but found not too bad at all. So three days later and I am feeling sad and tired.

hitamuspotamus Sun 03-May-20 13:56:06

I think it takes a few weeks for the hormones to settle, so may stay a bit wobbly until then. It’s definitely better than last time. I do feel like trying again, though know time is running out. At some point (if it doesn’t happen) I hope to step back and just be at peace and so grateful for my healthy happy child. All these procedures do somehow give me strength that I can get through the pain and challenge, rather than feeling like giving up. Perhaps I will feel differently once my hormones settle?

hitamuspotamus Sun 03-May-20 13:57:10

The line from the nhs is that they don’t know what impact coronavirus has on the first trimester. These are certainly strange times. Keep well all x

twinkledag Sun 03-May-20 18:18:02

I'm very sorry 🌼

Cleozeta Sun 03-May-20 21:11:25

Hi, sorry to hear you have had such a hard time. It really is shit. I can relate as have been through similar myself.
We have been trying for over 3 years, I am now 43. I have had some fertility check ups and it was found, near the beginning of our journey, that I had high FSH and low AMH, so not many eggs left and probably low quality. So I decided to throw everything at it. So many suppliments that I rattled, and Chinese acupuncture & herbs. We had been trying for a year with no luck, then 2 cycles after starting acupuncture I got pregnant. Sadly had a missed misscariage at 10 weeks. Had a break then started acupuncture again, 2 cycles later pregnant again. This time early misscarriage. I put the second MC down to low progesterone as I'd been having short cycles. So we tried it all again but this time using progesterone pessaries, alongside many suppliments and acupuncture. I got pregnant again in August last year. This time things looked great. 12 week scan passed smoothly, then 20 weeks anomaly scan looked perfect, I thought we'd done it. Then at 28 weeks I went for a private 4d scan, where they discovered I had extra fluid. They said it was nothing to worry about but NHS would need to do extra scans. At 30 weeks I had a scan with an NHS consultant (on my own due to covid) who told me the extra fluid was severe, baby was small and not moving or swallowing during the scan. He said we had a 90% chance of a poor outcome. This came as a shock, but I still had hope. At 32 weeks we had another scan, which said that, as well as all chromasome and genetic tests coming back normal, the baby had grown back to average size, things were looking good again. The only problem left was the lack of swallowing and movement (although there was plenty of movement outside of scan times) consultant booked me in for an MRI to check baby's brain.
Sadly we didn't make that appointment as his heart stopped beating 2 days before. He was stillborn last month.
We still don't know why and we have to wait until July for the post mortem results. There are suspicions that it may have been covid, as I was ill with similar symptoms that started a week before the extra fluid, it could also have been down to my old eggs and the fact that we fought nature so hard to get there.
Now I am desperate to be pregnant again and feel that having a healthy live baby is the only way I can heal from this. However, at 43 with low quality and number of eggs, it is extremely unlikely that this will happen. I have also been told 1-2% chance of conception, then if that happens it's 50%+ chance of misscariage. I looked into things and apparently donor egg chances at any age are up to 60% chance of success. With time against me, and my urgent need to be pregnant again, we have decided to take that route. If we do frozen egg there is no waiting list, so I really hope it can happen quickly. I can't accept at this stage that it's over and I'll never have another chance.

Sorry for the long post, I started rambling!!

fool11 Mon 04-May-20 12:51:00

i'm so sorry @hitamuspotamus and @Cleaozeta, that's truly heartbreaking x

EarlGreyT Mon 04-May-20 14:55:14

@hitamuspotamus and @Cleozeta so sorry to hear this.

EarlGreyT Mon 04-May-20 15:02:40

@Musttryharder21
* The one piece of advice I can offer is that IVF/ICSI has a success rate of 50%....it either works or it doesn’t so scrap the HFEA results.*

No it doesn’t. IVF has 2 possible outcomes (success or failure) and it has discrete rather than continuous outcomes. Like heads or tails if you toss a coin which are also discrete outcomes. However unlike tossing a coin where the probability of getting heads or tails is 50/50 (I.e. equal chance of either) this is not the case with IVF. The chance of success/failure with IVF is NOT 50/50 and success rates are not 50% so the HFEA stats shouldn’t be ignored.

GreyGoose1980 Mon 04-May-20 19:25:00

I’m so sorry @hitamuspotamus and @Cleozeta
💐 x

hitamuspotamus Wed 06-May-20 20:23:17

Your story is heart breaking cleozeta, and full of bravery and strength. I love your phrase ‘so many supplements that I rattled’! It does feel like supplements are one thing we can do to help. But who knows, as you say, if we are fighting against the natural current with aging? I really don’t feel 43 but there’s no denying I am!
Thank you so much for sharing so much of your recent experience. A stillborn baby must be one of the most traumatic experiences possible of motherhood. Do you know if you had Covid? How awful that it could have taken your baby. You got so far with your pregnancy, you did so well. Sending you so much hope and good wishes for your next steps.
I hope you have lots of love and support x

Cleozeta Thu 07-May-20 21:45:08

Thank you. I don't know if what we had was definitely covid (it wasn't serious enough to get tested) but it definitely matched the symptoms, so it's a good guess.
It feels like such a long wait to find out what really happened, but I'm going with doner egg anyway, whatever comes back, as chances are only going to get lower as time ticks by. I really don't feel 43 either, in my head I'm still very much early 30's at least!

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