IVF R3. Do I even want a baby anymore...?

(9 Posts)
flamingo82 Wed 29-Jan-20 20:24:13


New to mumsnet and a (nervous) first time poster.

In April we’ll be going into round 3 of IVF after six unsuccessful ovulation induction cycles and four years TTC.

I’m starting to wonder why we’re even putting ourselves through all this and if having a baby is even right for us...

I’m struggling a bit... I feel very isolated and confused by conflicting my emotions but don’t know who to talk to as every close female friend is pregnant/a mum. I feel almost guilty for even feeling like this.

Anyone else experienced this “I want a baby I don’t want a baby” emotional rollercoaster?
Can anyone recommend support groups/ meet ups/ a counselling service? I’m down for NHS counselling but no slots available til March. I’m in London.

Thank you so much xx

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justkeeprunning5 Wed 29-Jan-20 21:44:36

Hi @flamingo82. To say this is a ‘hard journey’ is a complete understatement isn’t it?! We are similar on timeline to you but a bit behind on treatment - 3 pointless months on Clomid (I ovulate!) and a fresh cycle of IVF that failed and currently working to a February FET.

I felt so isolated until I started to open up to people, just three good friends know (two are mums) and my parents and they have been a huge support to me, I felt the same about opening up to mum friends but they have been a big support, far more understanding than I ever thought they would be so it’s worth looking to see if there is anyone that could do that for you even if not an obvious first choice. Helps to feel less isolated.

If you look up fertility network U.K. they have support groups and there is a lady on Instagram called Alice Rose that advertises meet-ups for people going through treatment so both worth a look.

I’ve felt much better since I started having counselling and sure you will too once your allotment comes round. Mine is available via my employer (Not fertility specific) so it’s worth checking if anything is available to you. It picked me up at my lowest last year.

Sending you all good thoughts. Here for a chat if you need one.

PerspicaciaTick Wed 29-Jan-20 21:51:05

My clinic offered a additional counseling service, does your have any support you can access?
It is such a hard journey flowers

Youngatheart00 Wed 29-Jan-20 22:20:05

I’m feeling a little like this after over 5 years TTC, loss of natural fertility due to surgery and one round of failed IVF, about to embark on second. Like you, pretty much all of my friends are mothers.

I feel a bit empty and don’t feel I have the same will and optimism as before my first cycle. I’m finding it hard to connect the strain of IVF with becoming parents. I’m not sure whether it’s because I’ve just come to terms with it never working, as a protection mechanism in case this cycle fails too.

Either way, you are not alone. Counselling is a good idea and it’s well worth seeing if your NHS counsellor has any cancellations before March

flamingo82 Wed 29-Jan-20 23:08:40

Thanks for taking the time to reply @justkeeprunning5

I’ll take a look on Instagram and the Fertility network, thanks! I’m self employed so don’t have that sort of employee benefit but might look into private counselling as I think it would definitely help to talk to someone neutral. Even just posting this and getting a couple of responses has helped! :-)

I’ve been quite open about our situation with three or four friends and my parents. My best mate, who has a one year old, is super supportive. But she doesn’t quite get it and I find it hard to open up to those not in the same situation... I’ve had quite a bit of insensitivity and, even worse, pity (Grrrrrr!) from people. My brother and his wife had a baby, my mum and dad’s first grandchild, right as our first round of IVF failed. So family relations can be a little strained at times... hopefully things will get easier on that front now she’s a toddler.

Anyways, sending you huge positive vibes back! I’m here if you need! X

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flamingo82 Wed 29-Jan-20 23:09:35

@PerspicaciaTick I don’t think so but will double check - can’t hurt to ask! Thanks lovely x

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flamingo82 Wed 29-Jan-20 23:19:15

Thanks for your support @Youngatheart00

Yes I think I’ve almost persuaded myself that motherhood isn’t going to happen to me as some form of self preservation. Living with the uncertainty of not knowing if you'll ever have kids is unsettling so I guess it’s only natural to try and build up a defence mechanism. Thanks for letting me know I’m not alone - and neither are you! Good luck with round 2 x

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AliceAbsolum Fri 31-Jan-20 15:22:03

This is me. We had 3 rounds, the last one worked after 4 years! Lost the baby at 9 weeks.

Can I put myself through that again? Do I even want a kid? I mean they're stressful. Tiring. I like climbing mountains, and sleeping. My frosties are frozen in 2s...I don't want twins. ARGH.

flamingo82 Sat 01-Feb-20 14:45:16

@AliceAbsolum That’s rough - I’m sorry to hear what you’ve been through to get to this point. Do you mind me asking, can you take some time out to decide what’s next or will you be starting FET treatment soon? Have you done any counselling? I really need to consider it but at the end of the day the decision comes down to me and my husband and I’m so uncertain...

I like travelling and am also a big fan of sleeping - but even more so, I love waking early on a weekend and knowing the next couple of hours will be spent reading my book and drinking coffee in bed! X

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