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What is there to life besides children?

(61 Posts)
TheBeesKnee Sat 25-Jan-20 21:23:19

I am really not in a good place. Don't see the point of anything. Don't want to go to work, don't care about house. I am obsessed with having a baby, in DP's words.

We are facing infertility and I don't see the point in doing anything or carrying on if I can't have a baby.

What's the point of buying a house if the rooms stay empty?

What's the point of having a job and chasing promotions if the money isn't going anywhere?

What what what what what what is the fucking point?

Why am I doing any of this if it doesn't matter?

Crumpets124 Sat 25-Jan-20 22:11:25

Hi @thebeesknees I remember you from the MFI support thread ( I name changed). It really sounds like you are finding it hard to see the wood from the trees. I do think the best thing you can do for yourself is give a proper fertility counsellor a chance to help you and to confide in some friends or family you trust.

I know it’s hard. It’s incredibly hard and unfair and crap. Even my DH said the same as you - why is he working hard if not to provide for a family. But you still have a lot of hope.

You are still in your twenties. You’ve only been trying for a year (and I don’t mean only in that way - I know it’s torture) and your DH had his surgery a few months ago and that can lead to success naturally or through IVf. My consultant said it can take up to a year to work. If you don’t want to wait you could always go straight to IVf which may help you as it gives you a concrete plan and the support of nurses/consultants etc.

There is plenty to life without children - your love for your husband, family, friends, nieces , nephews. Travel, reading, music. Finding a hobby you love. Pets. I know it’s not the life you want - it’s not the life I want (we bought a 5 bed house in the countryside next door to a school!!) but you should not be giving up on both your chances of a child or even giving up on a life without children at this early stage.

Please consider seeing a counsellor. And also starting the process toward IVF.

ChocolateGateaux84 Sat 25-Jan-20 22:18:08

You sound in a bad place
I was where u are many many times over the years.
You say your 'facing infertility' so it sounds like your perhaps starting out and not gone through any treatment yet?
Perhaps if u feel able to share where u are in your journey others posters can offer support?

I finally had my baby boy at the end of last year. Ending an almost decade long infertility journey which brought my relationship and mental health to its knees.

Stay strong and hold onto hope in the dark times
flowerscakewine

Redwinestillfine Sat 25-Jan-20 22:25:37

Look after yourself and be kind to yourself. If you can try and book things in to keep occupied. One day at a time, and I recommend TCOYF by Toni Weschler if you haven't read it already flowers

wonderstuff Sat 25-Jan-20 22:25:40

Oh love, its very difficult, I tried for 4 years and I did become entirely focused on having a baby. I think I did get to the point where I accepted that life could be okay if I remained childless, a couple of months before I finally fell pregnant.

What is the point of life? I honestly don't think its children, I think it's got to be finding those moments of joy and contentment. They're always fleeting and they happen whether or not you have children. I'm sure others will have a different take, but for me that's what I live for, the fabulous sunrise, the sound of birds, the cuddles on the sofa, the satisfaction of a job well done..

BecauseReasons Sat 25-Jan-20 22:58:51

I think, though children are a blessing, they aren't the only point to living. For starters, eventually any little baby will grow up and leave parents behind them to go and live their own life- many move abroad, some are low-contact, most won't see their parents more than once a week (and that's fairly often). At that point, your spare rooms will once again be spare and your disposable income disposable. You have to create meaning for yourself outside of your children. To fail to do that is unfair to both yourself and any future children you may have.

TheBeesKnee Sun 26-Jan-20 12:38:53

Thank you for your replies.

Crumpets124

The surgery didn't work. It worked for a month or so, but then his semen went back to the same watery consistency. He's refusing vitamins etc.

It's been 1 year and 4 months of active trying. I know it's not long compared to some, but I feel like my entire life and future is an empty wasteland. Sorry to sound dramatic.

I feel embarrassed about my OP in the cold light of day, but I still feel very much empty and low.

Crumpets124 Sun 26-Jan-20 13:33:07

Sorry to hear it didn’t work. We are not waiting to see if it works or not but going straight to ICSI with surgical sperm removal - have you considered that as a next step?

It sounds like you are both in a bad place if your DH is refusing vitamins. Would you look into fertility counselling together?

I wouldn’t feel embarrassed about your Op. you are entitled to feel how you feel. It sounds like you are both very stuck with trying naturally so it could be time to move onto the next step of assisted reproduction.

roses2 Sun 26-Jan-20 13:35:06

flowers have you considered adoption?

Crumpets124 Sun 26-Jan-20 13:40:02

@roses2 did you adopt?

BecauseReasons Sun 26-Jan-20 14:01:35

Why is he refusing vitamins, OP?

FlashesOfRage Sun 26-Jan-20 14:22:06

I have intermittently felt the exact same feelings and thoughts as you express in your OP ❤️

It’s not necessarily a true reflection of how you feel it is an outpouring of frustration at the unfairness of it all.

We are socialised to expect certain things in our lives and TV, media well meant anecdotes have all helped us to build an image of how things are “supposed” to go.

It is extremely normal to feel grief at the “loss of fantasy” caused by infertility. It is a psychological thing and you needn’t feel guilty for those thoughts that are part of a process.

Additionally you are feeling like your partner isn’t willing to go the distance to make this happen. He is probably dealing with his own self blame and upset that this is happening.
I think you would both really benefit from separate counselling with someone specialising in infertility. 💐

My other suggestion is to start yourself an anonymous instagram account where you can scream these irrational thoughts into the abyss as much as you like 😁👍
Pm me if you need any advice on that x

Didthatreallyhappen2 Sun 26-Jan-20 14:27:56

I'm not familiar with your story (I come on this page in fits and starts, so often don't know where people are in their treatment).

I think both you and your DH need to decide what you want to do. And you both need to be completely onboard with any decisions you have to make. Any sort of fertility treatment is, by its very nature, invasive and time consuming (and costly too). To give it its best shot you both need to do whatever you need - and if your DH needs to take vitamins or whatever, then he has to do that. If you go down the IVF route then him taking pills will be much less effort than the treatment you will have.

I understand entirely how desperate you can feel with it all. It's utterly overwhelming. But you truly haven't been trying that long (it was 8 years for us, and I know others that made it well into double digits). I would look at your options and then choose a plan of action. Once you have this in place hopefully you might feel a bit calmer about things. I truly wish you the best of luck.

MissHoney85 Sun 26-Jan-20 14:31:12

Don't forget that having children brings plenty of challenges and stresses of its own. You are not guaranteed a 'straightforward' child, plenty of children are born with extra challenges which can result in a lifetime of worry and difficulty. Even the most 'straightforward'' children are hard work, speaking as a teacher! There's the lack of sleep, the constant worrying about them, the doubting of yourself and whether you are parenting them 'right'... Nevermind the financial pressures! I know it's hard to accept all of that when you're battling infertility but children are definitely not the be all and end all. Plenty of parents are secretly envious of the childfree!

twinkledag Sun 26-Jan-20 14:37:15

I'm sorry. It's shit. Use these boards for support and to scream & vent. We will listen and try and help 💐

AnnaMariaDreams Sun 26-Jan-20 14:40:07

Just to give you flowers
Our DS was born after 3 years, 2 losses and IVF so I do get it.
CBT helped me when I felt like this.

MissHoney85 Sun 26-Jan-20 14:50:47

Rereading my post above, I don't think I explained what I meant very well. Of course we all want children here even though we are aware of the pitfalls. What I mean is, it's not a 'Happy Ending', it's just the beginning of something else. Often we imagine that reaching a certain point will mean we have achieved fulfilment, but life doesn't work like that and if you think that way then you can cut yourself off from a whole lot of other experiences.

FlashesOfRage Sun 26-Jan-20 14:53:59

Please don’t diminish the OP’s experience or feelings by telling her that she hasn’t been trying nearly long enough to feel this way, or that she should add worries about having a disabled child on top of her current upset, or that she should just adopt.

Everyone feels their own situation the most keenly. That’s natural.

The length of time you’ve been trying becomes irrelevant once you have a diagnosed medical cause for infertility.
We’ve been trying 18 months but I have known since I was 15 that it would come to IVF and ended up going private to get taken seriously.
I ended up diagnosed with very low ovarian reserve (aged 34), chronic anovulation and cysts. My natural chances are effectively zero.
I have felt how OP feels and it is normal to have moments of this.

Please don’t make her feel invalidated in your well meaning efforts to be supportive. ❤️

Eggcellent29 Sun 26-Jan-20 15:17:12

I am so sorry to hear that you’re feeling this way. I think anyone going through infertility has experienced these feelings at least once during their journey, so you are not alone.

There are so many paths to motherhood. For me, it was using a donor. For others, it can be adoption, IVF, etc etc. However it comes to you is a miracle.

And if you truly want it, you will get it. You may have to accept that it doesn’t look exactly as you thought (as a child I never thought I’d need another woman to help me become a mummy!), but actually it can end up turning out more beautiful than you ever imagined

Or, if you decide that you will be childless, then there are lots of other purposes in life. Some people express their maternal feelings by helping others, for example. It’s all so personal to you.

I found this mantra quite reassuring, I hope t brings you some comfort too

“It will be alright in the end. And if it’s not alright, that means it’s not the end”

darkskydarkening Sun 26-Jan-20 15:25:42

I am living my own personal hell - when everything that mattered to me collapsed - not baby related - its been going on intensively for over two years and I don't ever see a way for it to change. Its really really hard.
I have learnt that there is a difference between contentment and happiness. I am not content - in fact I am deeply discontent, but I am often happy. You need to find other things to do to help to keep at bay the intensity of what is making you unhappy. You need to find other focuses and other things that you will eventually enjoy. I use to roll my eyes at the term 'self care' but these past two years have shown me how important that is.
It may not be the life I want, or you want, but it's MY life, its YOUR life, and you can still make the best of what it is. It may not be what you want, you may always feel loss and discontent but you can find a way to make a life and find those moments of happiness.

Dickensnovel Sun 26-Jan-20 15:26:39

I know a lovely couple who could not have children. They met by chance a neighbour, single mother with several children, and began getting to know her and helping her with babysitting, etc. After something like 30 years, they have long been considered grandparents to her children and great grandparents to their children!! They have been actively involved all along the way: attending sports events, graduations, weddings, etc. etc. They have a very full life. So perhaps you'd consider doing something like this?

gamerwidow Sun 26-Jan-20 15:37:11

You are the point OP, even if you don;t have children you have a life that is worth living and that should be enjoyed.
You deserve that empty room to do something just for you.
You deserve that promotion to make money to travel, collect stuff, enjoy a hobby (or whatever is for you).
It is my sincere wish that you get the baby you dream of but if you don't that doesn't make your life meaningless. You are loved and mean something to the world.

PurpleDaisies Sun 26-Jan-20 16:43:34

Plenty of parents are secretly envious of the childfree!

There is a difference between being childfree and childless. Do you really think this is comforting for anyone who desperately wants a child?

MissHoney85 Sun 26-Jan-20 16:52:49

@PurpleDaisies see my clarification a few posts below, I realise that was badly worded. I was just trying to say that the Happy Endings we have in mind aren't actually endings, they're just beginnings of new chapters which have their own stresses and challenges. It's easy to carry an idealised version of parenthood in your head when you spend so long chasing it, the truth is that whatever happens will have its ups and downs.

PurpleDaisies Sun 26-Jan-20 16:54:26

It's easy to carry an idealised version of parenthood in your head when you spend so long chasing it, the truth is that whatever happens will have its ups and downs.

Don’t you think we all know that being a parent is tough? Most of us are the last ones without children.

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