Will I ever adjust to this

(10 Posts)
Ivfunicorn Thu 23-Jan-20 19:22:19

I’m 36, I had one fresh round with 6 blasts produced. I’ve had 4 implantation failures including a chemical on the last one which was devastating.

I’ve been on this awful journey for close to four years now. I’ve lost a lot of friends as I don’t want to see them when they start their families, which all of them have done literally within weeks of wanting to (I’m not exaggerating). Not only have they done it they’ve made it look easy. I don’t want to be around them. I find myself in awkward positions at work as well.

I know that my way of managing isn’t great and I really don’t need that pointing out, but if I ever get on the other side of infertility will I ever forget the pain I have now or the isolation and loneliness that I feel now? If I ever get the child that I need will I be able to move on? Or I am always gonna feel the awful sadness and anger that I have? I guess I’ve probably lost a lot of friends and I’ve no way of knowing if they’ll let me back in, I can hope but I know that’s no way guaranteed.

OP’s posts: |
something2say Thu 23-Jan-20 19:49:33

Oh darling xx I know nothing about what you're going through but I'm so very sorry to hear the longing and pain in your message xxx I have no magic answers and sometimes there are none, but I do know that pain is better shared and this at times cruel world is always softened by just a few good friends xx reach out xxx

FriedasCarLoad Thu 23-Jan-20 20:12:43

I haven't experienced this, so I'm basing this on other experiences of suffering and on what I've heard from those who have battled infertility. I hope you don't mind me giving an opinion.

-like any suffering, the grief of infertility seems to last. But like bereavement, I think most people (I know) learn to live with the grief and find times of happiness and means of fulfilment, even though the sadness doesn't disappear.

-like bereavement, the pain seems to be inconsistent - almost unbearable at times and in the background at others

-the right friends can be a support, if you let them in. Even if it's a case of writing now to explain why you can't face being in touch, but saying that you care about them, wish them well, and hope they'll understand and be willing to resume the friendship in time.

-friends who have battled infertility but had one child seem to have found secondary infertility particularly hard at around the time when siblings often appear, and feel some long term sadness, but mainly seem so happy to have one child, particularly as the years roll on.

I hope I haven't said anything to increase your pain tonight, and I wish you well. flowers

Poppins17 Thu 23-Jan-20 21:08:40

I do know how you feel @Ivfunicorn - I lost many friends during my IVF journey... in fact I only retained one friend which was someone I was friend with in High School. The other friends I had from work I lost along my journey (including a bridesmaid at our wedding), as I couldn’t cope being around them when they had their babies.

Unfortunately for me our IVF journey ended without a baby 7 years ago and I now feel I’m at a crossroads in my life as to whether to try again (hence the reason for coming onto mumsnet but that’s for another thread).

I’m sorry you feel this way, what I have said probably doesn’t help only to know you’re not the only one to feel the way you do. Don’t beat yourself up, you’re on a tough enough journey as it is.

Sending you a big hug flowers

twinkledag Thu 23-Jan-20 22:20:46

I have 1 DS and 4 failed cycles TTC a sibling. I'm still annoyed and bitter about how unfair it is. My experience has changed me forever.

BeaCat Fri 24-Jan-20 10:40:45

I think most women in our position have had similar experiences of our friends having babies and feeling left behind. Quite a few of my friends know my situation and have been relatively sensitive about their own pregnancies and babies. Did your friends know you were struggling with infertility?
What's helped me is to remember that there isn't a finite amount of babies! Just because a friend has one doesn't mean that reduces your chances of having one. If I had lost friends as well during this time I would imagine I'd feel worse so if it were me I would try to reconnect and hope that they were condsiderate of your feelings.

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted Fri 24-Jan-20 12:31:03

Yup I'm bitter and jealous - my friends/family are divided into distinct groups - the fertile, the infertile, those with miscarriage history or ectopic, and the IVF group but even the last one is dwindling as most of the people I know had IVF work first time for them and I'm on my 4th transfer

Unfortunately my relationships never recovered when I suffered primary infertility before I had DD and now I'm in the midst of secondary infertility and permanently infertile from recurrent miscarriage and 2 ruptured ectopics I know for certain those relationships will never be the same again. There is too much resentment now - not because they've gone on to have the children they wanted but because I haven't always felt supported by them and there will always be a lingering disappointment there. I don't expect them to necessarily understand what I'm going through I just don't want to feel alone

Seesawheehaw Sun 26-Jan-20 19:35:27

I just wanted to say that I feel like I am going through exactly the same things as you OP. I have lost contact with most of my friends as they all have had families and conceived easily. I also feel like they have not been very supportive, they just do not understand how it feels to be desperate to have a child and unable to do so. A lot of them have two children now and I’m not even off the starting blocks. I feel like I am becoming more and more isolated at a time when I could actually use more support than ever!

I’m 37, and everything I read tells me how my fertility is declining rapidly now. The anxiety this causes is awful on top of everything else.

My job is suffering. It’s all costing a fortune. I haven’t felt like myself for months and months. It has taken over my life.

I am lucky I have one friend who had to do ivf after a long period of TTC, she has been really supportive and understands what I’m going through. She has a baby now which is great as it shows that it can work out in the end, but is also a double edged sword because now she’s on the other team and I’m not.

It’s so hard. I feel for you OP and everyone else who’s agreed on this thread. I hope I don’t sound too negative but I wanted to let you know you’re not the only one who feels like this. Usually I don’t post on mumsnet, I just lurk, but reading your post made me feel a bit better about feeling the way I do, so I felt I should help you too.

Poppins17 Sun 26-Jan-20 20:37:33

@seesaw I’m so sorry to read your post. Infertility is horrid and the way it makes you feel is even worse. Sending you a big hug flowers

Seesawheehaw Sun 26-Jan-20 20:48:55

Thanks you so much poppins, sorry to hear about your story too. Big hugs back at ya!

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