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(40 Posts)
HironsBirons Tue 24-Dec-19 22:40:16

My sister has just announced she’s pregnant. New relationship, unplanned.
Life is just so fucking shit isn’t it. We’ve tried for three years now. Nothing at all. Got our letter through for our first fertility clinic appointment in January on Friday, which was hard enough to see, especially at Christmas. We’ve not told a soul about the struggle, I’ve not really got any friends to tell anyway. She’s ruined my Christmas more than it was already ruined. I think I’ll be crying myself to sleep in front of the tv tonight. This is so, so, so hard.

Ineedaweeinpeace Tue 24-Dec-19 22:42:35

Oh OP that is utterly shit my love. Sending a massive hug to you.

Try to stay positive but protect yourself and your heart xxx

HironsBirons Tue 24-Dec-19 22:42:38

Sorry. I’ve just read that back and it’s all so fucking negative and horrible. I think I need to find some coping mechanisms to help me deal. Because right now I’m really not dealing well.

IPokeBadgers Tue 24-Dec-19 22:46:21

Oh pet, that is utterly shit. Happy Christmas, have a baby bomb from a family member. Fucking nightmare.

Sending hugs. It's such an isolating situation to be in. I speak as someone with a failed ICSI cycle in October and gearing up for bother one in January. Also been trying for about three years now....month after month of disappointment and 40 now, so it's looking unlikely I'll be a mum. It's crushing so get how you feel. But we have to keep plodding on. Have a cry, a wee drink or some chocolate and try to get some sleep if you can x

Ineedaweeinpeace Tue 24-Dec-19 22:47:53

I think you need to be kind to yourself. You know this isn’t you as you’ve just pointed out - but right now you can damn we’ll feel miserable. Feel the grief a good cry and ‘feeling’ it always helps. As does a good sleep. Sending you so so much love x

NRW39 Tue 24-Dec-19 22:49:03

Oh God! I feel for you.

Don't beat yourself up about being negative. It's allowed. It's shit and you're hurting. It's only natural!

Tell your sister you love her, you're happy for her and explain it's hard at the moment, so you might take a step back. I'm sure she'll understand.

HironsBirons Tue 24-Dec-19 23:39:59

Thank you ladies. It’s so nice to have somewhere to outpour without the usual “but it’s GOOD NEWS!” - yes it may be good news but I don’t fucking feel like that right now do I. Merry Christmas. I wish you all the luck and baby dust x

JandL2020 Wed 25-Dec-19 16:45:52

That’s really hard. Hugs xx

HironsBirons Wed 25-Dec-19 17:56:11

It’s been an awful Christmas Day. Trying to convince the hubby to go on holiday next year and ditch Christmas and everything to go with it entirely, if there’s no baby. I fucking hate it. So miserable.

JandL2020 Wed 25-Dec-19 18:13:21

Yeah I’ve never been that keen on Christmas but this year has especially been difficult. Doesn’t even feel like Christmas I don’t feel happy at all. I have been at work today to just keep myself busy but ended up being surrounded by poorly babies which made me feel worse. I’m definitely going away next year as well. Will be arriving at my sisters soon and I’m hoping she has a double gin and tonic waiting for me! Xx

HironsBirons Wed 25-Dec-19 19:13:05

@JandL2020 oh bless you. It’s been tough hasn’t it. Poor babies, you’re amazing to do the job you do, it’s not something I could. Enjoy your gin with your sister!

AliceAbsolum Wed 25-Dec-19 19:30:06

I so feel for you, its really hard. You don't have to spend time with her if it's not good for your wellbeing.

I miscarried 2 weeks ago after 4 years and 3 rounds of IVF, 1st ever bfp. Devastated doesn't cover it.... I just really thought I'd be pregnant this Xmas. Silly me 😔

HironsBirons Wed 25-Dec-19 20:05:13

@AliceAbsolum I am so, so sorry honey. I hope next year is less shit for you xx

IPokeBadgers Fri 27-Dec-19 17:02:19

I hope everyone made it through the list few difficult days ok. It's a tough time of year, no doubt about that.

HironsBirons Fri 27-Dec-19 18:15:31

It’s tough. I’m really not okay. I’ve been the lowest I’ve ever been the last few days. I just can’t shake it.

IPokeBadgers Fri 27-Dec-19 18:21:43

Sorry to hear that HironsBirons
I don't have any words of wisdom.... sometimes we just have to wallow in it for a bit and feel the grief.

NRW39 Fri 27-Dec-19 21:48:43

@HironsBirons
I'm with you there! The last few days have been awful. I cried for hours on Christmas morning and the last few days I've been very low. I saw family today and I was as flat as a pancake.

I just want this festive season to be over with.

I'm not sure how I'm gonna get past this stage. Everything feels harder at the moment

Lavienestjamaisjuste Fri 27-Dec-19 22:11:09

Another one here who just wants the 'festivities' to all be over. Was doing ok until my Dad announced that he and his wife are expecting, already 25 weeks gone.. I've prepared myself for a lot of things over the years but I was blindsided by this one, never did I think I'd get a new brother or sister before I had my own child. Not that it matters but he's almost 60 and she's 44 - natural conception. FML. I just had to TFMR a month ago at 16 weeks following ICSI. He knew this and told me anyway, just before a big family gathering. Urgh. I am wallowing, can't force a smile anymore. Hope you all find a way to get through x

IPokeBadgers Sat 28-Dec-19 15:33:51

Jesus Christ, lavienestjamaisjuste that was appalling timing on behalf of your dad. So so sorry to read this, no words ☹️

MissHoney85 Sat 28-Dec-19 15:53:38

OP I am in a similar situation - about a week before Christmas my best friend since childhood told me she is pregnant with her new boyfriend, they must have literally got pregnant in the first couple of weeks of being together. She knows we are doing IVF and told me in a really sensitive way but it's still so hard. I find that being honest with myself and a couple others close to me (my OH and mum) about my feelings helps - I'm jealous! And sad for myself and angry. But those feelings are all about me and not her. I'm keeping a little bit of distance from her for now for my own sake, and luckily she understands that. I'm trying to focus on my own situation and take things one step at a time, staying as positive as I can. It's shit though. I'm sorry. Virtual hugs.

HJF84 Sat 28-Dec-19 17:58:45

I'm with you all here. Christmas time is hard! I've had a grey cloud over my head for the last few days, and DH has just told me one of his best friend's wife is pregnant. They got married 3 months ago so I was expecting it, but I'm just filled with resentment. I should be happy for them, but after almost three years of trying and two failed IVF attempts this year I'm finding it really hard. Life is so unfair

Abcd6789 Sun 29-Dec-19 14:45:47

Hello ladies, I’m new to this forum and due to start IVF next week and I’m terrified.

I just wanted to say that reading your comments over the last few days has been the first time for a very long time that I felt somebody might understand exactly how I’m feeling.

I’m trying to keep it together for this IVF cycle which is hard enough as it is...I had a TFMR in Jan 2018 for fetal megacystis and TTC ever since without success. I’m 36 and terrified that I’m running out of time (my husband who is 4 years younger just doesn’t feel the same sense of urgency which is infuriating and makes me feel even more alone). I have been fortunate to some extent that up until yesterday none of my very close friends have children yet and I have found previously that I have had to just cut out of my life anyone who is pregnant as I just feel unable to be around them...yesterday one of my friends announced she was pregnant and although I should be happy for them I just don’t think I can be...I’m already trying to plan how to avoid them in future and cancelled all plans we had in Jan together. I just don’t think I can see them anymore.

The last two days I have spent stuck on the sofa crying and cuddling my dog who currently feels like the only thing I have in the world...so I was really glad to find this thread as it made me feel a little less isolated.

Rhiannonxx

HJF84 Sun 29-Dec-19 17:14:59

@Abcd6789 Hi Rhiannon. I am so with you on this. I too have cut people out of my life, just because I can't bear to be around them. I know it's pathetic but I find it so hard. Most of my friends have kids now, I'm 36 next month so like you, I feel like time is running out for me.

I'm about to start my third IVF cycle next month. This forum (and the ladies) on here have been a really life line for me. Full of support and a shoulder to cry on when I need it. If you have any questions or need advice, you'll find it here. When do you start?

Wishing you all the best as you start your journey x

Abcd6789 Sun 29-Dec-19 17:37:01

Hi HJF84,

Thank you so much for your reply! I’m so glad I’m not alone with this. I feel like an awful person but I just can’t be happy for others around me anymore when they announce their pregnancies. In the past people have messaged me to tell me and usually I just never reply and cut off all contact which is crazy but I just can’t face having to be part of someone else’s pregnancy journey that is of course going to be straight forward and perfect! The problem is over the last few years my social circle is getting smaller and smaller...soon there will literally be nobody left.

I’ve been somewhat lucky in that none of my really close friends have had children up until now but my friends announcement yesterday really made me panic...the silly thing is she had a MC last year so I know she’s had a tough time too but I can’t help feeling angry. In some ways she’s gone from being an ally (because she understood a little what it’s been like for me) to having deserted me...sounds crazy but that’s how I feel! I was also annoyed with the way I was told although if I’m being honest I’m not sure what would have been the right way to do it...I probably would have felt this way whatever she did.

I start injections for cycle 1 on 7.1.19. Did a pregnancy test today just to check as I had a glimmer of hope I might still be spared IVF but -be of course.

I think what’s also been difficult at the clinic is that my husband and I are both doctors so there seems to be this assumption that we don’t need as many explanations but I work in Palliative Medicine and my husband is an anaesthetist so we really know very little about IVF...and it’s always different when your a patient anyway. In some ways it’s worse when you have a medical background I think because it also makes me much more paranoid about complications and pessimistic about success rates.

I really felt reasonably calm about starting until yesterday but this announcement from my friend has completely thrown me. I just know I won’t be able to see or speak to her while she’s progressing with her pregnancy and I have to go through IVF...I just can’t have her around. But going through IVF with dwindling friend groups is awful too ;(

Thank you do much for listening! I hope I don’t sound like an awful person! The one positive thing I’m trying to take from this is that this whole experi has given me a completely new understanding of what it’s like to be a patient... maybe that might make me a better doctor at least!

I wish you all the best with your next cycle!! Can I ask...how did you tolerate the first two?! I’m really worried that if I’m struggling like this with a simple pregnancy announcement what am I going to do during treatment with emotional ups and downs sad

Thank you again for replying...means more than you might know!

Rxxx

HJF84 Sun 29-Dec-19 18:19:29

@Abcd6789 I have been struggling with my feelings around other people being pregnant for a year or so now, and I have felt like the worst person ever. I'm glad to have met someone else who feels the same. I just really struggle to be happy for anyone who is pregnant right now, and you're right, I can't be part of their pregnancy story. I've had a few friends talk about how 'awful' their pregnancies have been, morning sickness/tiredness and that's a really struggle to hear. Don't they know how lucky they are?

I guess being in the medical profession has its perks and downfalls. I always ask loads fo questions and I make sure I understand everything that's going on. I'm probably annoying everyone I speak to! You could try the same tactic?

I was nervous the first time, but I started to get excited as I felt we were finally starting our journey. I was devastated when the first one failed, but the second one wasn't as bad, I seemed ti instinctively know it hadn't worked. I have two embryos frozen and they are both going in! If this doesn't work, I want to try one more time.

What's frustrating for me is that we have 'unexplained fertility' although I do have low AMH. I wish I knew why I can't get pregnant.

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