Large fibroids, long period ttc followed by miscarriage - trying again...

[MOGMOGMOG85]

Hello,

I'm just writing in the hope that anyone else may be in a similar position to me - feeling quite lonely at the moment.

Me and my partner started TTC in April 2018 and didn't conceive within a year. I went to the GP and had all the hormone tests - fine. Went for ultrasound and they said I had fibroids, but I needed a further scan to tell me more. Whilst on the waiting list for the scan I fell pregnant (July of this year) and my scan got cancelled.

I booked an 8 week scan privately because I was so anxious about the baby - they couldn't locate the pregnancy. I went to the hospital the next day and was scanned again, the lovely lady this time found the pregnancy, in the womb, but measuring 6 weeks. I went back a week later to check for any growth but there was none, however the woman wasn't confident (it was a different person) and I had to wait a further 2 weeks. At 11 weeks I miscarried - it was intense and I bled very heavily so ended up in hospital. During the whole process and afterwards I had lots of scans - the fibroids are large, around 5-7cm and I'm not sure how many there are. One person said 3, another said 1 (I trusted her more), one person said it was protruding into my womb and another said it wasn't (again i trusted her more) - I'm not being naively hopeful its just that the lady who I trusted seemed to have loads of experience, she always located the embryo/womb with ease where others struggled to even see a pregnancy - apparently the fibroids made seeing anything a total nightmare... I think the final scan (where she said it wasn't protruding into the womb) was the clearest one to confirm completion of miscarriage.

I'm now on my second cycle after the miscarriage and trying again. I am emotionally drained beyond belief. I didn't feel anything about the miscarriage (end of September) until about 6 weeks later when I went through a month of crying. I still get tearful now but am feeling much better. The 2 week wait, which was always a nightmare but I had learned to cope with before falling pregnant for the first time is now torturous. Along with my pmt i am fighting depression about the miscarriage and also the torturous need to be pregnant again. I feel like there is so much uncertainty for me - my fibroids made it hard to get pregnant, and although they are pretty sure my miscarriage was just chance, fibroids can cause late stage miscarriages, which is terrifying. They also degenerate, which I've looked into and apparently it's horrific, on a par with miscarriage crossed with appendicitis... don't get me wrong i'd love for the bastards to die but there is also risk of haemorrhage. I won't have a simple pregnancy and it's unlikely i'll give birth naturally, and will probably suffer more blood loss than normal...

That's it really. I'm currently on day 26 of my 28 day cycle and CONVINCED I'm pregnant. But then I was last time... I have been cramping for about 5 days which is weird for me, but it's what I had when I fell pregnant. I also keep rushing to the loo thinking my period has started but it's just a gush of fluid (again this happened when I fell last time). I also am having mood swings like an insane person, however that can happen at my time of the month too...

I tested this evening and it was negative but I'm still 3 days early.

Oh I forgot to mention, I was sexually abused as a child and whilst I've never had a problem with loving sex with my partner before, something about that feeling of having to do it to conceive (its such a chore now after so long) is making me really feel quite disturbed by sex, something that I'm really upset about and would hate my partner to get the idea that I'm not enjoying it :( he's so lovely and I love him so much :( we only have about 1 1/2 hours during the week between when he gets home and when i go to sleep so it is difficult for it to happen naturally as we both have a long commute and hard jobs... when it's time to try I think we both feel the pressure, and I always seem to ovulate on a bloody wednesday!

Anyway we're managing I think as well as we could - we've been through a lot now, although I realise some people have it far worse. The way I'm struggling to cope makes me scared at how much worse this whole journey will get since I've already found it so hard :(

Sending a hug to anyone else who is going through this - it's a nightmare... xxx

[Matilda128]

I'm really sorry to hear you have had such a difficult time. I can complete see why you are so worried and anxious about the whole situation. I sometimes wonder whether I have fibroids but nothing has been found. I did have a polyp in the past which was found in one scan and completely disappeared when this was followed up by a gynecologist and a hysteroscopy. I remember feeling so confused about the contradicting information so I completely understand what you are going through. I really hope you have a positive result for this month. After an early MC and a failed IVF cycle I also feel very anxious and I'm trying to cope using exercise and relaxation (mindfullness- although I'm not that keen). I do think that if you are really worried and really struggling you should persist with getting help from your GP. It is so hard because they are so busy and not all take these issues seriously- but sometimes they can really help with seeing options for treatment and give reassurance. It is really hard- hang in there!! Hug back! Xxx

[MOGMOGMOG85]

Hi Matilda - thanks for your kind reply. It is actually really helpful to remind myself there are others going through turmoil too. I just happen to be in a friendship group where no-one is having trouble getting pregnant. At the moment there are 2 people who were pregnant at the same time as me, one of whom has already given birth and when she shared photos of the baby I just felt devastated, and then sick with guilt because what kind of person doesn't feel happy that their friend just had a lovely healthy baby...

Good tips with the exercise and meditation! I really enjoy work which gives me something to focus on and I get plenty of exercise there. I don't really go out in the evenings at the moment because its dark - in the summer i would go for walks which would be helpful. Perhaps I should focus on healthy cooking in the eve - i've got into a slump where I tend to eat ready meals, not good for health or conceiving!

After this first message I did something really dumb - I felt sure I was pregnant and I'd heard people say you could use an ovulation test to check so I did one and a line came up and I was convinced I was pregnant. Tested the next day and bfn. Also day of period (yesterday) bfn. Its a day late today, I still don't feel like it's going to arrive and my cervix is high and soft - so confused/frustrated! It's been a particularly hard month of getting my hopes up I just hope its over soon - I feel like a proper mad person...

Thanks again and good luck - I do hope that both of us have a positive outcome. I was thinking the other day, even if I am lucky and can have children at least this experience will mean I will really sympathise with those who are having trouble and I'll never be one of the ones who says really insensitive stuff having not ever had a breath of trouble.

xx