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TTC 2nd Child via IVF - buddies/support group

(8 Posts)
Rachb18 Mon 04-Nov-19 21:00:39

Hello,
I just wondered if anyone was going through IVF/fertility treatment to conceive a 2nd child?

I’ve just gone through a FET using my 2 remaining embryos that were conceived at the same time as my son who is now 2 years old, my OTD is wed but I’ve been bleeding heavily since Friday and tested negative so it’s pretty clear it hasn’t worked . I naively thought it would be easier this time around as I have my son but it’s been just as tough, if not harder in some respect and the emotions I’m feeling now are so different I just don’t know what to do next.

Im devastated it hasn’t worked and for the loss of my 2 little bundles of hope, knowing my son was part of that cycle makes it even harder to accept. It took 3 attempts to have him so I don’t know why I’ve been so stupid to hold out so much hope on them. I’m also racked with guilt for feeling this way when I have my son and there are people still trying for their first. But I cant ignore the longing for another child, going through this has just made it stronger yet I don’t know what to do next. Can I put myself and family through the emotional pain of another cycle, not to mention the mental and physical impact it has on me, it feels selfish on the one hand but then I know how much he would love a brother or sister. Plus it’s the cost now I have him to consider.

I’m finding it so hard, and really hard to talk about it as I think people think ‘We’ll you should be happy you have one’ .. and I know I’m lucky and am bursting with love for him but I’m also bursting to add another to our family.

Sorry long message, I’m really struggling to deal with all these emotions and speak to people about it so if there is anyone in the same position or has been through the same I’d really appreciate speaking to someone who understands xxx

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted Tue 05-Nov-19 08:13:07

I'm sorry your cycle doesn't look like it has worked. We are in the same boat......had DC1 naturally and in last 3 years of trying have had 5 mc, 2 ruptured ectopics leaving me with no tubes and 2 failed FETs. I Have one low level mosaic PGS tested embryo from my second IVF round which hope to transfer later this month.

To be honest I'm almost ready to say no more. I always wanted to give DC a sibling and part of me is terrified of them being an only child and what that might mean. But we ve given it everything over the last couple of years - emotionally physically and financially as well as nearly dying twice when my ectopics ruptured. TTC used to consume me but in the last couple of months I don't think about it as much as I did before and am starting to plan a future as a family of 3. We'll try one more cycle in the new year And then I think we re done. But the main thing for me was having no regrets - we've honestly tried everything and one day I'll tell DC that and hope they'll understand x

Rachb18 Wed 06-Nov-19 19:41:54

I’m so sorry to hear how much you have been through and thank you so much for sharing. I find infertility can be so lonely even when you are surrounded by people who love you. Your DC will understand, they’ll think you are pretty bloody amazing when you tell them all that you did to try for a sibling and to go through all that and have no regrets shows how strong you are, i have everything crossed for you that the next attempt works for you, and if it doesn’t that you are able to move on xxx

My OTD was today so I’ve spoken to the clinic and I’m going to have a follow up and see the counsellor but I think I need some time before we decide if we go for another full cycle. For me My mental health really suffers, i have issues with anxiety and depression which I manage to live with day to day but the combination of the process and the drugs just seems to tip me over the edge. I actually think it’s my husband that’s more reluctant than me as he can see what it does to me, but although it does get worse during cycles it’s still going to be there if we don’t try again as the wanting for a child is not going to go away. I think I need to give my body a break and get my head in a better place then start planning what next, I think it’s highly likely that I will but as you say I need to try and manage it so that it doesn’t consume me and drive me downhill in the process.

Sending love to you and hoping it works out this time xxx

NeelaBlue Wed 06-Nov-19 20:25:02

Hi @Rachb18
I’m in a similar situation to you.
Had my son through IVF (in 2017).
Then had a FET in Aug-2019, which I totally assumed would work, but it resulted in a CP.
Wasn’t sure what to do next (no more frozen embryos) eventually decided to go ahead with a fresh round.
Unfortunately this time, I had no blastocysts to freeze and transferred two 3-day embryos (which weren’t great quality). I’m currently in the TWW, but not feeling hopeful TBH.
I’ve pretty much decided now that I won’t go ahead with another cycle (partly because of the cost and partly due to how it makes you feel physically - and the fact that i’m over 40yrs).
Totally understand how you feel. Personally, I’m happy I tried one more fresh round.
Wish you all the best, hope it all works out for you.

Rachb18 Thu 07-Nov-19 12:29:41

Hi Neela, sounds like we are in a really similar situation, I hope your little embryos work this time, how are you feeling? When can you test?

I’ve had to take the rest of the day off as I’m all over the place. I have a new boss this time round and I’m on a different team and he’s really lovely but I don’t know how to explain how tough this is and the impact it’s having.

Did either of you find it harder for people to understand the impact on you 2nd time around? I think infertility is really misunderstood but I feel like a have a sense of guilt and shame this time that I feel so awful when I’ve got my son. Does that make any sense? When I told my boss I was going through ivf he congratulated me, I know where he was coming from but it just didn’t sit right with me and it made me realise he doesn’t get it. I’d mentioned that it hadn’t worked in an email to him ahead of a 1:1 we had this week just to give him the heads up so he’d know I was a bit wobbly, but he want straight into work talk then just said he was sorry literally as we were leaving and asked if I was going to ‘have another crack at it’ hes a lovely guy and has told me to tell him if I need time off but I feel really guilty taking time out and feel like it’s knocked my confidence, I’ve only been in my job for a few months so I still feel like I’m trying to prove myself and that this is going to have an impact on my work and how I’m perceived.

I’d put so much on those 2 embryos I feel like I’m grieving them more than I’d done on previous rounds, I think I’d always loved the thought that my son would have a sibling from the same round as him, and I can’t help look at him and think of what I’ve just lost.

I feel stupid that I could be so naive to think it would be easier this time! Xxx

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted Thu 07-Nov-19 13:15:14

Yes secondary infertility is very dismissed in some circles/groups to the point you are made to feel second class in some of the social media groups

I also felt like I couldn't grieve for the life/family I had always imagined. I suffered primary infertility before have DC1 and the strength of my feelings when I couldn't get/stay pregnant again surprised me. My GP though said this and it really resonated with me.....

That actually in many ways secondary infertility is harder than primary infertility. Before having kids parenthood is an idea, it's abstract. But once you've had one child you have a physical reminder of what you've lost/may never have again running round - you don't have to imagine what your child might look like anymore you see them in the child you have. Motherhood becomes physical - you know what it is to feel and hear and smell (new baby smell!) your child you know what it feels like when they call you "mama" for the first time. It's no longer abstract.
I cried in her office for an hour after hearing that

Rachb18 Thu 07-Nov-19 14:36:10

It was... thank you for sharing that, it’s so true and I’m glad I’m not alone in the way I feel. Like you the feelings have really taken me back and I’m struggling to tell even my husband how I’m feeling. I think people can understand the longing for a first child more, even though unless you go through it you can never truly understand it’s easier for people to comprehend. And I totally can resonate with the feelings when I see or hear a baby or child, again I wasn’t expecting that to trigger the feelings but it still does and like you say even stronger this time around as I know how I feel as a mother and how much love I have to give to another child.

Sounds like you have a very understanding gp, I’m going to see the counsellor that I saw first time round, I found it helped just getting things off much chest and talking about the emotions. Like this doesn’t so thank you both, I felt odd being part of other groups that had women who were ttc their first, I didn’t experience any negativity but I felt I couldn’t be really open xxx

Rachb18 Thu 07-Nov-19 14:37:58

Sorry excuse my typos my brain isn’t functioning... I meant to say sharing with you DOES help, enormously so thank you xxx

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