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At what point do you give up?

(16 Posts)
Frazzlerock Tue 29-Oct-19 15:38:04

I'm exhausted, we're both exhausted, but the prospect of never holding our rainbow baby just kills me. I need it like I need air. The absolute primal urge to hold my baby is overwhelming and all consuming.

We've lost 3 babies in 3.5 years and its been a whole year since we lost our last little boy and not even a whisper of a line on a test, despite shagging at exactly the right time every single cycle (using Ovusense). I'm 40 now so most of my eggs are probably shit.

IVF is just too expensive and we don't qualify on NHS as I have two DC from a previous marriage - both were very hard to conceive because of PCOS.

Having PCOS means I have to avoid sugar, gluten, dairy, booze, caffeine and basically anything fun. We are also taking supplements until we rattle which is expensive. We desperately want our lives back but my need for a baby after three losses is trumping that.

But how long do we carry on for? Hoping that every cycle that comes is our time, but it never is. Gearing ourselves up for a positive outcome that never is positive.

I see so many people having babies like its the easiest thing in the entire world. Colleagues at work seem to be having babies weekly, people in my social circles are making announcements all the time. But we are being left behind.

Yes I know I have my lovely DC and I am soooo lucky to have them given my shit fertility, but experiencing losses has done something to me that won't let me settle until I am holding my baby made with DP.

But our chances are so shit now I don't know how long I can go on for, but also the prospect of life without that dream is too painful to think about.

when do you decide enough is enough and how do you accept the rest of your life without the dream that so many people around you can have?

JacquesHammer Tue 29-Oct-19 15:42:11

when do you decide enough is enough and how do you accept the rest of your life without the dream that so many people around you can have?

When is difficult. For me i literally thought one morning “I can’t do this anymore”.

FWIW once we had made the decision, it became easier to grieve and start to move on. I even went on birth control, which removed the “what ifs” every month.

I think it is so important to allow yourself to grieve. Quite often with secondary infertility you’re told “be grateful for what you have” which really bugs me - because it removes your right to go through a normal grieving process.

flowers I hope you come to a decision that brings you peace.

UnaOfStormhold Tue 29-Oct-19 16:09:51

I found the book fertile thinking by Cat Dean really helpful in processing the emotional side of infertility - it has a chapter on how and when to stop which may help, as well as lots of tools for dealing with the grief and frustrations of trying.

Frazzlerock Wed 30-Oct-19 08:42:10

@JacquesHammer I do keep thinking 'I can't do this anymore' but then look at all the people around me having babies and thinking 'why is it okay for them, and not for me? Why do they get their dream but I can't?'
I also hate the 'be grateful for what you have' response.

Thank you @UnaOfStormhold I will take a look

AliceAbsolum Wed 30-Oct-19 09:02:29

Could you do a cycle abroad? It would be cheaper?

Frazzlerock Wed 30-Oct-19 09:39:59

OI don't think so @Alice I imagine we would need to be there for a few weeks wouldn't we?

DC are school aged so need to be here for school, and we both work FT

Youngatheart00 Wed 30-Oct-19 09:43:52

You are suffering with the pain of recurrent miscarriage. A new baby might not solve that, which is why your existing children (speaking from a childless perspective - you ARE lucky to have) don’t solve the pain either.

Have you looked into grief counselling?

Frazzlerock Wed 30-Oct-19 09:50:43

I've had all sorts of counselling/CBT. Nothing seems to help much. I just feel like I'm going over and over stuff, like picking a scab.

Each time I've been pregnant, the feeling from the previous MCs lessens and my future looks hopeful again. Which is why I think having a baby after MC helps

Broodyaf Wed 30-Oct-19 10:29:46

Have you looked into a cycle abroad? It's much cheaper. I've just started my injections today for my 1st cycle of IVF - we're going to Reprofit Brno.

I really don't want to get your hopes up but it may be worth even a nosey on their website to see if you could afford this before u draw a line under it all

Sending you so much love ❤️

updownleftrightstart Wed 30-Oct-19 14:56:21

Some clinics in the UK are much cheaper than others. Even if it meant driving a couple of hours for appointments it might be worth it if ivf then became affordable.

GrumpyHoonMain Wed 30-Oct-19 15:07:34

I’ll give you my perspective as someone your age who also has PCOS and other conditions that cause recurrent miscarriage but is also childless. PCOS isn’t like the other ovulatory disorders women our age could suffer from - managed well it doesn’t necessarily limit the ability to conceive and if your fertilization rate is great then it could very well just be a numbers game. Produce more freezable embryos and you will have more of an opportunity to get pregnant. One thing pcos won’t cause, however, is recurrent miscarriage.

What you need to do is focus on the recurrent miscarriage bit too. Have you have had Level 1/2 tests that look for autoimmune and clotting issues and has your consultant then translated that into a protocol alongside your pcos one? I was put on steroids, thyroxine, heparin, aspirin, metformin and lipids as well as the strongest / longest possible stimulation protocol they could risk with my pcos before I got my bfp. And I was quite willing to keep trying until it became successful or the clinic said no.

But I am childless (not counting my bfp until I get a live child in my arms) and I am financially comfortable so we could have theoretically kept going until one stuck. As you have kids already then in your place I probably would try to focus on them if each mc is making you feel worse.

ChameNager6151 Wed 30-Oct-19 15:19:14

If it was me i dont think i would "give up" youve already had children, youve already fell pregnant with this partner so you definetly can conceive, its just getting them to stick isnt it. I agree with Grumpyhumain about the tests.

I have PCOS, it took me 3 years to conceive my first ( who sadly was premature and died ) & i had 3 miscarriges before i fell pregnant with my 2nd.

Its worked out for me that with all 3 of my children i fell pregnant exactly 13 months after i gave birth last. My youngest is nearly 3 now and Ive been with my DP for 2 years now and not fell pregnant once. I think with PCOS so many other factors come into play

Frazzlerock Wed 30-Oct-19 15:45:31

@Broodyaf as I say, I don't think we could get away long enough to do this. I barely have any annual leave left by the time I've factored in school holidays and DP is a contractor so doesn't like taking too much time off as he loses a lot of money. I don't know how long we'd have to be away for?

@GrumpyHoonMain I've had all sorts of blood tests and am under the RMC so I trust they're doing everything (perhaps that is naive?). Our consultant says there is nothing wrong, except my thyroid levels were slightly over compensating but I've had my meds reduced since then and my thyroid function is now at optimum levels for conception. DP and I have also had our genetics checked and there is nothing wrong, they say our MCs were 'one of those things' and 'bad luck' (or three in my case). Essentially 'unexplained'.

I'm taking metformin and taking all the fun stuff out of my diet/life has helped to make my cycles more regular. I am ovulating around CD28-30. DP has got low morphology but his test was done after a very heavy stag week. Despite being 48 hours after, I imagine it still had an effect and he's got me pregnant 3 times so... Anyway, he's taking all sorts of supplements to help this (if it really is an issue) and doesn't drink any alcohol at all when my 'ovulation window' begins.

I am going to see my consultant next week, Last time I saw her was in May so I'm not sure if I should be asking her anything?

Could the fact I ovulate late be throwing out shit eggs? Mind you, I didn't ovulate until about CD100 when I fell pregnant with DC2 but I was only 30 at the time.

Broodyaf Wed 30-Oct-19 16:30:53

@Frazzlerock we're away for a week. But some people fly over for EC, fly back home that day and back over 5days later for transfer. And the man technically only needs to be there for 1 day
I don't know whether this helps or just confuses u more ❤️

Frazzlerock Wed 30-Oct-19 16:41:15

Thank you @Broodyaf that might be do-able. I've just had a look at Reprofit Brno and it looks like it starts from £2800 for IVF wit ICSI and PGS which we will need. That is a lot cheaper than UK, but it says 'from' so not sure what that means.

Broodyaf Wed 30-Oct-19 16:53:40

@Frazzlerock the prices are really transparent thankfully - the only extra things u would have to pay for is egg freezing if you had any to freeze, if u wanted embryo glue, and if you wanted to use a specialised machine which monitors the embryos through the fertilisation.

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