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How can I console a friend suffering a miscarriage?

(12 Posts)
Mummy1224 Mon 28-Oct-19 19:06:06

A friend has just messaged and told me that she is miscarrying at 12 weeks. She’s seen a doctor and is safe, and her DH is with her.

I’ve replied obviously, and would like to send her something like flowers (we don’t live near each other), but would seeing them every day just make her think about this awful thing that’s happening to her? Although she’ll be thinking about it every minute of every day anyway I should imagine. Is there anything else nice that I can send her or do (that won’t compound everything) to show her that I’m thinking of her, and sorry for her sad loss?

alltalknobaby Mon 28-Oct-19 19:11:30

My friend made a donation to a baby loss charity in my babies' names. That touched me more than anything. Check on her and give her chance to discuss it if she needs. You sound like a lovely friend thanks

user1493413286 Mon 28-Oct-19 19:13:42

I sent my friend a gift box from “don’t send her flowers” website and I think she enjoyed the goodies in there. I think in a situation where nothing can make it better then anything that shows you’re thinking of her is appreciated

Mummy1224 Mon 28-Oct-19 19:14:05

Thank you @alltalknobaby, that’s such a lovely idea. I don’t want to clumsily make things worse, so really appreciate the suggestion!

ilovethatshow Mon 28-Oct-19 19:14:46

My friend sent me some biscuits, beautiful and personalised. It just touched me that she'd gone to that effort for me but I didn't expect anything at all. The fact she's reached out to you though means she may want to talk. I was the opposite and didn't really want to speak to anyone about it.

Helbelle17 Mon 28-Oct-19 19:16:25

Lovely friends of mine sent me chocolates, and that really meant a lot to know they were thinking about me.
She might want to talk about it, she might not, just let her know you are there for her.

wonderstuff Mon 28-Oct-19 19:17:01

I lost a baby at 11 weeks, it was lovely to get flowers, it acknowledged my loss as a genuine bereavement, arranging them was quite therapeutic and they were beautiful. It was a long time ago, my first pregnancy and I still feel that moment arranging those flowers was the first time I felt adult.
Everyone is different but I would send flowers and a card x

Mummy1224 Mon 28-Oct-19 19:17:25

Thanks @user1493413286 I’ve just looked at the website, it’s great. Thanks @ilovethatshow too - I could create my own similar package to send, maybe personalise it a bit more.

LemonRedwood Mon 28-Oct-19 19:18:47

My best friend didn't try to console or commiserate with me. She told me that she understood that it's a really shitty time and sent me a box of macarons through the post. I loved her for her no-nonsense, non-sugar-coated response and I ate every single (sugar-coated!) macaron myself. She nailed it for me.

CottonSock Mon 28-Oct-19 19:22:06

Is send something like chocolates or chocolate brownies. One friend did get me flowers which were nice, but chocolate was probably preferred. Just tell her you are sorry, not any of the 'it wasn't meant to be' which my sister said! Or 'you can try again, which my mum said. People don't know what to say, so tend to say too much.

Patchworksack Mon 28-Oct-19 19:28:56

You sound like a lovely friend. Please remember not to try and minimise her distress by trying to find any positives "at least" you can get pregnant/you can try again/it wasn't meant to be/it's nature's way etc. Brene Brown's short animation about empathy is really useful on this subject. Just say it's really shit and you are sorry, and you are there if she wants to talk. Chocolate and wine were the way forward for me - flowers just die a week later!

Mummy1224 Mon 28-Oct-19 20:08:05

Thanks all, I really appreciate your responses and they’re so helpful!
I haven’t said anything ‘positive’ thank goodness, just gone for the ‘I’m here’ approach, and I’m seeing that chocolate is a popular theme so I think I’ll go that route, with some extra treats!

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