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I feel like this is all my fault

(13 Posts)
laallass Thu 17-Oct-19 22:55:37

So I'm nearly 2 years ttc and I'm finding it hard to have any hope. Mine and my partner's test results came back as totally normal, so the consultant stuck me on chlomid for 3 months just to see what happens.

The issue I have is that all I keep getting told is 'just RELAX and it will happen!'. It takes every bit of willpower not to punch these patronising b*stars. It doesn't seem to occur to them that I wasn't stressed for a good while into this nightmare, and there are plenty of examples of stressed women conceiving.

As there is nothing physically wrong with me or DP, my assumption now is that I have some sort of mental block that means that children are never going to happen for me. I'm currently having therapy to deal with a childhood that involved neglect and has left me struggling to feel and process emotions. Maybe the universe just thinks I'm not fit to be a mother? I feel so bad for DP, he would be a brilliant dad but if he stats with me he's not going to get the chance.

Does anyone have any advice on how to keep a positive mindset through this mess? I feel like hopelessness is my only defence against the constant disappointment.

Kachieble1 Fri 18-Oct-19 09:18:33

Don’t want to be patronising in any way and I know every couple/person is different and what happens one doesn’t mean for the other.
My friend tried for 2 & half years and was getting very depressed so they went to the doctors and told everything was normal she got pregnant a month later. Just saying it as hopefully you will become pregnant it might just be taking a bit of time please don’t lose all hope. In the meantime I would be adamant that you want referring to a fertility clinic. Don’t let your gp fob you off. Good luck op xx I know how shit this is believe me

Steenac7 Fri 18-Oct-19 09:56:06

People are idiots when you’re trying to conceive. I doubt you have a mental block. Women in war zones get pregnant for Christ sake! In the middle of all the trauma and stress of that!

Plenty of people have unexplained infertility - unexplained doesn’t mean nothing is wrong it just means they can’t identify it. Keep trying but take time to be kind to yourself and ask for a referral to a fertility doctor. Maybe try some mindfulness - I like the calm app.

We have Severe male factor Issues and one failed round of IVF-ICSI. Afterward I met up with a friend who told me maybe I should just get drunk and have sex as I was probably worrying too much to let myself get pregnant! Moronic! So even when you know there’s a problem people still say the stupidest things! Don’t let it get to you.

AliceAbsolum Fri 18-Oct-19 09:59:36

Professor Robert Winstone ran a clinical study where he took a load of "unexplained" fertility patients. In 9 out of 10 cases they found a cause, the most common was an undiagnosed male factor.
Keep pushing for more tests or crack on with ivf. No amount of relaxing fixes cancer, or diabetes, or infertility.

FaithInfinity Fri 18-Oct-19 10:07:52

Oh the ‘Just relax and it will happen’ people are the worst! Closely followed by the ‘Why don’t you foster or adopt?’ Folks. Honestly who can relax when your life is dominated by infertility? There’s babies and pregnant women everywhere.

We had fertility issues. DH has health issues that caused problems but my endometriosis was also missed when we were struggling. Treatment is what got me pregnant! I hope the Clomid works for you. I know quite a few people with ‘unexplained infertility’ where it was the boost they needed.

I would recommend doing things that help you to nurture yourself - massage, acupuncture, reflexology, spa sessions - whatever works for you. Drink the wine, take the holidays. It’s easy to put your life on hold when you’re TTC but it can contribute to the misery.

EarlGreyT Fri 18-Oct-19 11:27:38

In the meantime I would be adamant that you want referring to a fertility clinic. I am not sure why you think her GP has “fobbed her off”. She has clearly been referred to a specialist as she states in her OP that the CONSULTANT has put her on clomid.

EarlGreyT Fri 18-Oct-19 11:32:49

@laallass
It’s not all your fault even if you feel that way.

Does anyone have any advice on how to keep a positive mindset through this mess? I feel like hopelessness is my only defence against the constant disappointment.

I am sorry, but don’t have any advice about this, I always felt very negative through the process. It’s shit, it really is. In the same way that “just relaxing” doesn’t cure infertility neither does positive thinking. I realise that being positive might help you feel a bit better during the process, but it’s honestly going to have no bearing on the outcome and if feeling hopeless is how you protect yourself from being constantly disappointed there is nothing wrong with that.

Scarlett555 Fri 18-Oct-19 11:47:14

OP I really feel for you. It's nothing you are doing wrong. Clomid can also have horrid side effects which may be making you feel worse.

Advising you to relax and wait for it to happen obviously isn't working for you. In your situation I would get very practical.

Assume you are tracking your ovulation? Invest in the clear blue dual hormone trackers so you can pinpoint ovulation exactly. Sometimes there is a very small window.

If you and your DP don't have kids yet and have been trying for two years you should be eligible for IVF on the nhs too.

Good luck x

GrumpyHoonMain Fri 18-Oct-19 11:54:55

Are you sure there’s nothing wrong with either of you? I had been into IVF for 2 years before I was recommended to have further testing (the so called chicago and Level tests - they cost approx 2-3k) and that’s when all my problems were identified. I had a BFP as soon treatment was established.

FingersXssd83 Fri 18-Oct-19 14:46:42

I find having a plan helps.

I was diagnosed as unexplained until after my third failed IVF cycle. Booked a lap and found out that I have stage 2 endo and a blocked tube. There usually is a reason, it just hasn't been found yet.

Good luck! xxx

Pognut Fri 18-Oct-19 16:15:10

Jacky Boivin's research on stress and fertility knocks the "just relax and it will happen" thing firmly on the head; she did a huge study of 14 existing studies and found that stress levels do NOT have any impact on fertility.

www.bmj.com/content/342/bmj.d223

It. Makes. No. Difference. Scientifically verified. Which, logically but also paradoxically, helped me relax no end!

I know exactly what you mean about feeling that you have a block and that it won't happen for you. I've been lucky and have had a really good counsellor who was an expert in IVF and who gets why I'm feeling like this. This whole thing is so hard, and makes us feel so out of control, that assuming we've jinxed ourselves somehow starts to feel logical. I'm glad you've been referred to a clinic - good luck with the clomid, and please don't think that this is your fault. It really isn't. It doesn't make any sense, which is really hard to deal with, but it is NOT your fault and you are NOT doing anything wrong. The universe hasn't decided anything, it's random and crap but you are doing the right things. I find taking it one day at a time (sometimes a morning or an afternoon at a time) helps when it's really getting to me. You don't have to solve it all right now. Best of luck. x

laallass Sat 19-Oct-19 09:36:06

Wow ladies, thank you so much! It's such a relief to get some insight and different points of view from people who understand.

I used to obsessively track everything, but I've stopped as it's obviously not helping. I've been talking to DP and we think it's best to just try and carry on with normal life as much as possible and enjoy the little things. But for me I think I just need to let myself feel sad from time to time instead of bottling it all up.

Xxxxxxxxxxxx

Maggie272 Mon 21-Oct-19 10:09:31

I also asked my doctor and nurse many times if I have a mental block, and they say it doesn't exist when it comes to convieving. They said most women feel like that with multiple losses or unsuccessful tries, and then it works. Most of us can't imagine what it feels like to be pregnant, and it seems like a dream that is so far out of reach. That's not a block, that's just being human xxx

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