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In need of some advice / extra thinking along / your opinion LONG Post

(14 Posts)
Peaches2018 Fri 04-Oct-19 14:56:46

Hiya everyone flowers

I'm a bit stuck, can't really talk very well with DH at the moment (I'm too emotional after today) and I really need to vent or get this off my chest.
I'm not sure as well if this is the right talk topic and I'm sorry if it's not!

Me and DH tried to have our DC (15 months now) for 2,5 years before being referred for IVF ICSI. First cycle and it all worked out thank god. We decided to wait and enjoy the first year with our LO before trying for nr 2. My DH has the firm believe that now my body has been pregnant I'll fall pregnant quite quickly but..... I don't think so.
His progressive motility was 20%, morphology was 2% and his sperm concentration was 8.2 mil.
I put both of us on extra vitamins, my DH got a bit better with his healthier eating habits and I'm trying to track as much as I can with my body / OPKs etc etc I've used soy isoflavones for a few months to really ovulate well and to get my cycles a bit more regular. Had blood work done at GPs and I'm totally fine according to them.

This month I felt totally different than any other month and me and DH thought we did it..... But the cramps and pains today and the straight in my face BFN tell me nope!!
I've read about that home insemination (turkey baster method hmm) and a few more things to see if we can do things that might end in a BFP because If I'm truly honest: I don't want to go through IVF again.
I know that it's not supposed to be fun, laughs and giggles in fact it's the opposite and stressful for anyone going through it!

We told each other we'll try till coming April and then we march ourselves to the clinic again which I dread.
Would we be able to fall pregnant with the numbers above? Anyone had any experiences with that? Any advice?
Thanks for reading this long post flowers

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted Fri 04-Oct-19 16:36:03

You don't say how long you've been trying this time round? His numbers aren't great but you'll get plenty of people telling you that they conceived with similar or worse. it's just going to take you longer so It's really up to you - how old you are and how big a gap between siblings that you wanted. If you're not fussed by either of those then keep trying a bit longer

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 04-Oct-19 17:17:41

I would be looking at returning to the clinic sooner rather than later given how long it took you to conceive your first child.

Both of you need up to date test results and any test done over six months ago should now be discounted. What were your last set of hormone levels like and on what cycle day were these tested?. He also needs up to date semen analyses. His motility and morphology are likely the reasons as to why ICSI was proposed initially to you as a couple.

I would now also throw away all the OPKs, vitamins, charts and such like and have sex as and when you both feel like it. All of this merely adds to the pressure and stress and does you no favours at all.

Peaches2018 Fri 04-Oct-19 17:19:43

@itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted We've been trying this time for about 5 months (this is cycle 5 and AF still needs to show her ugly head and is making me super confused with all the "symptoms" I have) but my DH wouldn't want a bigger gap than 2 or 2,5 years inbetween the children. I'm 32 going on 33 and DH is 33 going on 34 although we've recently heard that his red blood cells are being destroyed quicker than they can do a lot in his body. I've told him if he wanted to pause trying for nr 2 but he's adamant he doesn't want that and he really wants little one 2

Peaches2018 Fri 04-Oct-19 17:25:49

@AttilaTheMeerkat I thought that too but DH really wants to try at home for a longer time and he hopes I fall pregnant naturally.
I really doubt it but If I say I doubt it I get to hear I'm not positive enough.
I am but I do know (due to reading tons and tons) that our chances are incredibly slim in conceiving at home without any assistance, monitoring and medication. Maybe he doesn't want to admit he / we need help??

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 04-Oct-19 17:41:41

Peaches

If you made a decision to attend the clinic earlier than April then the initial appointment can be cancelled if you do become pregnant again in the meantime. Would he accept this suggestion?.

Denial is a powerful force and he probably does not want to admit to himself or you that you as a couple will need help again in order to conceive (I was told the same re needing help again but that news was given to me personally by the surgeon who performed my surgery). He may well think too that his own subfertility is a reflection on his own virility as a man when this is absolutely not true.

Peaches2018 Fri 04-Oct-19 19:03:36

@AttilaTheMeerkat

I'm not really sure he would. He keeps on going about I've been pregnant before and should fall easily pregnant now. When I (extremely gently) tell him that his swimmers need to be in a good condition too (trying to keep it light) he starts about me being a bit too heavy and about keep on trying.
Although I don't mind the trying I'm the one who does all the testing, taking vitamin tablets, watching what I eat and constantly telling him when It's the best time to dtd.
He always says he doesn't mind if something is wrong with him since I'll be the one carrying the LO for 9 months but for some reason he doesn't get this sad

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 05-Oct-19 08:53:32

Peaches

Feel for you both here.

What you both went through last time was not easy at all; you became pregnant because of ICSI. This may well again need to take place; did the clinic say anything more to you previously about being able to conceive a second child?. Would he be willing to have a face to face discussion with the clinic under the proviso that this is purely a discussion with them?.

Re your comment:-
"Although I don't mind the trying I'm the one who does all the testing, taking vitamin tablets, watching what I eat and constantly telling him when It's the best time to dtd".

Honestly I would knock all of that on the head now. Its not really helping either of you and is putting more pressure on yourselves (particularly the last part of the above sentence). Testing as you are with monitors and temp charts is problematic if PCOS for instance is present, neither methods being used here are really all that reliable an indicator. Blood tests for you would be more reliable here.

Mistymeow Sat 05-Oct-19 09:48:33

Hi Peaches, some good advice for you here. I can understand the frustration. My DH has similar numbers (although he has a treatable condition he will never be fully fertile). The fact is that it was ICSI that got you pregnant, not trying naturally and this tells me you have a very good chance of it being successful again. Is he in denial? You said he doesn’t mind if he’s the problem. In the kindest possible way he is the problem with his numbers and if he wants a baby soon he needs to face facts. I haven’t been through IVF but I can see how you don’t want to go down this route- April is good to aim for. I also agree take the pressure off yourself- stress definitely caused my cycles to become messed up. Really it sounds like you are doing everything you can.

Avoid the turkey baster method, we tried this and it never worked for us. Im not sure if it’s any good for people with MFI. I’m guessing quality is lost during the process. This is why ICSI is so good. Our three pregnancies were achieved naturally (2 mmc, currently 13 weeks). Yes a natural conception is possible with those numbers but I would prepare yourself mentally for another round of ICSI. Lots of love.

Peaches2018 Mon 07-Oct-19 11:52:17

Hi @AttilaTheMeerkat and @Mistymeow

Thanks very much for the messages they've helped me well through the last few days.
I'm still due my AF, got symptoms that come and go and still BFNs here. The last one I'll do will be Fri or Sat and then I'll leave it. Dh wants me to go and see the gp to ask for a blood test and see what's going on if I don't have my AF in 1,5 weeks because at that time I would hit cd 48 or 50 and that would be a new record ever!!

@AttilaTheMeerkat The clinic didn't say anything about a second one, we were more focused on the first one hoping it would work well. I think we'll keep on going with the vitamins due to some extra energy and to make sure I get everything in that I / we need.

@Mistymeow I'm not sure if he's in denial or not. I think, because he's such a positive person and got such a positive attitude, he keeps on thinking we'll fall pregnant on our own. Although I have noticed that if it's mentioned about his motility or something like that he gets a bit defensive and starts on how my body should work work properly now I've been pregnant once.
I'm sorry to hear you've had 2 mmc but definitely Congratulations on expecting your little one now!! Can I ask you how long it took to conceive if you don't mind?

Again thank you for replying flowers, it gives me plenty to think about and it makes me feel a bit better in the position I'm in now with people asking when baby nr 2 is coming and with all the friends that just have had their babies and are still expecting as well!

hoping2018 Mon 07-Oct-19 22:03:55

I have had my first baby by ICSI and planning number 2 soon - we’ve been to the clinic already to discuss (LO 7/12 when we went). I have no belief we would ever conceive naturally - me being pregnant does not change what my husbands body is doing! I’d suggest having an initial consultation and a new sperm test - may help him realise you are (most likely) in the same boat you were when you had DS1. On the positive side - ICSI works for you which is amazing - as it’s likely to work again (the younger you go through it the more likely for success too).

Also I had to have 2 rounds of ICSI to conceive DS - second time was soooooooooo much better / they adjusted my drugs as they knew how I responded, they got me to take melatonin to help me sleep and psychologically I knew what to expect. If I had conceived on cycle 1, I also would be terrified to go again. Cycle 2 really wasn’t too bad in comparison though!

Peaches2018 Wed 09-Oct-19 16:27:47

@hoping2018 Thank you very much for your message. I'm finding it very hard to believe as well that we will conceive without any help / assistance but DH wanted to try first before we went to the clinic again. Although I hope his blood-results in Dec might give us an insight as well as to DH tiredness, lack of energy and constant tummy problems / being bloated.
I'm not sure if he sees a new sperm test will make him realise we need help or are in the same boat as before. He did make the joke today (I'm over 5 days late and BFN here) well at least you've got 1 baby already right. He meant well (to cheer me up) but it went the wrong way with me.
The clinic was very helpful and very friendly so I wouldn't mind going back to them again.

Janb87 Fri 11-Oct-19 17:17:56

Hello @peaches2018

Also feeling for both of you!

Love your DH's positivity, but I've found that being realistic (and still caring) has been the best approach for me so far. It's easier for everyone to no where they stand and get the necessary help asap!

Book your tests for both of you, even if it's just for peace of mind.

Would your DH read information or could sharing information with him help? I found it difficult to talk to my partner, and it was easier sharing articles and resources with him instead. Of course, the NHS is quite good, but I also use Adia for info and meditations to help me (try) and relax through the process.
adiahealth.com

Best of luck smile

Mistymeow Sat 12-Oct-19 12:40:42

@Peaches2018 thank you! Altogether we have been trying for around 3 years. We first fell pregnant after a year when DH only had 2m sperm, then fell pregnant a year after that and this current one four months after. I would avoid mentioning our success to your DH as really it’s the fertility drugs that my DH takes that seems to be working well (which he takes for a genetic condition that affects fertility). I can understand your DH wanting to try naturally to avoid the invasive route but I reckon a discussion with the clinic and some odds of natural conception will hopefully help him open his eyes to the reality of the situation. Wishing you the best of luck!

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