Hi everyone
Just finished our first round of IVF and our first transfer failed. I had a positive pregnancy tests for the past week, with a very dark line yesterday morning. Husband and I went out for (decaff) coffee to celebrate (cautiously) as the line had been getting progressively darker. After three failed IUIs we couldn't believe that IVF worked for us first go. And then I got my period, full force about two hours later.
I can't say I was devastated - we were both disappointed, of course: we were looking forward to the prospect of having a baby. I am in my mid thirties and husband is 50, we've been together for 15 years. I'm madly in love with him and I just took for granted that having a kid was in our future. I never felt I needed a baby to be happy - it's very easy to make me happy...a long hill walk, yoga & meditation, girly lunch, a great workday, watching a show snuggled up to husband and our dog...i love my life. I believe that a childfree life is not a lesser life for me, as a woman, and I believe there are so many ways to mother. I care for people every day, even if it's just smiling at someone in the coffee shop at lunch time. I make a difference. My life is not just about me.
A few years ago my husband got so sick. He nearly died, and it took a good two years for him to come back to himself. As a result he has a brain injury and our fertility problem is on his side of the farm, so we have been using donor sperm. I still love the thought of seeing my husband with a baby...I always thought we'd have so much fun with one! That I would be sitting on a lilly-pad for 9 months and with all that pre-natal yoga the baby would just pop out of me and the adventure would begin : )
It's been a rollercoaster, with two chemical pregnancies. I want to ask a crystal ball if it's worth it to go ahead and use one of the two embryos we have in the freezer at the clinic. I wonder if the sperm donor and I are incompatible. I wonder if we decided to leave IVF behind would we be happier, or would I hit my 50s and wonder what could have been. Of course I know the answer, but I also know this is a very hard process, that not everyone who wants a child will have one. I can see my siblings struggling with parenthood - the effect it's having on their relationships with their partners and financial comfort.
I guess we will go ahead with another embryo transfer. I would always wonder. I remember being a kid and every year entering recital competitions. I never got a medal and it hurt like hell. One of the teachers said to me one year that it wasn't even worth my while turning up. Trying for a baby is starting to feel a little like that.
So, this process requires a lot of self care and I'm glad I decided that all the self care things I was doing for fertility I would do for me too - less caffeine, be gentler with my expectations at work. Enjoy the odd glass of wine but over a great meal with my husband. Mix some restorative yoga in with my workouts. Compassion. Remind myself that I am strong and can meet any challenge, fertility related or otherwise (and if you've had work work while injecting buserelin, you know what I mean!). That women are creative and resilient. That nothing bad is happening and I can stop worrying, let life unfold as it will, no matter how hard I try to control it. It will all be ok.
If anyone read this, thanks for getting to the end. I just needed to write it.
Peace & love
Maggie
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To go again, or live childfree
13 replies
Maggie272 · 04/10/2019 07:33
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