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To go again, or live childfree

(14 Posts)
Maggie272 Fri 04-Oct-19 07:33:13

Hi everyone
Just finished our first round of IVF and our first transfer failed. I had a positive pregnancy tests for the past week, with a very dark line yesterday morning. Husband and I went out for (decaff) coffee to celebrate (cautiously) as the line had been getting progressively darker. After three failed IUIs we couldn't believe that IVF worked for us first go. And then I got my period, full force about two hours later.

I can't say I was devastated - we were both disappointed, of course: we were looking forward to the prospect of having a baby. I am in my mid thirties and husband is 50, we've been together for 15 years. I'm madly in love with him and I just took for granted that having a kid was in our future. I never felt I needed a baby to be happy - it's very easy to make me happy...a long hill walk, yoga & meditation, girly lunch, a great workday, watching a show snuggled up to husband and our dog...i love my life. I believe that a childfree life is not a lesser life for me, as a woman, and I believe there are so many ways to mother. I care for people every day, even if it's just smiling at someone in the coffee shop at lunch time. I make a difference. My life is not just about me.

A few years ago my husband got so sick. He nearly died, and it took a good two years for him to come back to himself. As a result he has a brain injury and our fertility problem is on his side of the farm, so we have been using donor sperm. I still love the thought of seeing my husband with a baby...I always thought we'd have so much fun with one! That I would be sitting on a lilly-pad for 9 months and with all that pre-natal yoga the baby would just pop out of me and the adventure would begin : )

It's been a rollercoaster, with two chemical pregnancies. I want to ask a crystal ball if it's worth it to go ahead and use one of the two embryos we have in the freezer at the clinic. I wonder if the sperm donor and I are incompatible. I wonder if we decided to leave IVF behind would we be happier, or would I hit my 50s and wonder what could have been. Of course I know the answer, but I also know this is a very hard process, that not everyone who wants a child will have one. I can see my siblings struggling with parenthood - the effect it's having on their relationships with their partners and financial comfort.

I guess we will go ahead with another embryo transfer. I would always wonder. I remember being a kid and every year entering recital competitions. I never got a medal and it hurt like hell. One of the teachers said to me one year that it wasn't even worth my while turning up. Trying for a baby is starting to feel a little like that.

So, this process requires a lot of self care and I'm glad I decided that all the self care things I was doing for fertility I would do for me too - less caffeine, be gentler with my expectations at work. Enjoy the odd glass of wine but over a great meal with my husband. Mix some restorative yoga in with my workouts. Compassion. Remind myself that I am strong and can meet any challenge, fertility related or otherwise (and if you've had work work while injecting buserelin, you know what I mean!). That women are creative and resilient. That nothing bad is happening and I can stop worrying, let life unfold as it will, no matter how hard I try to control it. It will all be ok.

If anyone read this, thanks for getting to the end. I just needed to write it.

Peace & love
Maggie

MeganTheVegan Fri 04-Oct-19 07:39:55

You sound so calm and well-adjusted, must be all the yoga grin.

We did several rounds of IVF (3 full rounds and another 7 that failed at the first hurdle). This was in the US where success rates are higher as they have more options. We were ultimately successful although we’ll probably be broke for the rest of our lives. We have no regrets though.

Good luck whatever you decide.

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted Fri 04-Oct-19 07:49:29

Beautifully written

Only you can know when it's time to call it a day when trying for a baby

For me the most important thing was doing my best to ensure that I didn't wake up in 20 years and have regrets that there was something we could have done/tried but didn't. We've given it our all - emotionally (5 mc) financially (3 rounds IVF) and physically having nearly died from two ruptured ectopics. We ll try IVF once more and that will be it and I will be finally at peace with it all. I had already started to feel like ttc didn't consume me the way it had done before just before our second cycle (we are just waiting on outcome of PGS testing) and a part of me is actually looking forward to being able to move on and enjoy life again

It's good to just write it down sometimes

I have a little notebook I've written in about my losses and sometimes I'll take it out to read and have a good cry and then put it away again

No one ever says what this process takes away from you - I'll be forever changed - some parts for the better some parts for the worse. I can't remember what's it's like to have sex outside of ovulation week or not plan my life in 2 week segments - leading up to ovulation and the 2ww. I can't remember what it's like to just book a holiday or look at a calendar and not see it littered with due dates which have never come

Maggie272 Fri 04-Oct-19 07:51:28

@MeganTheVegan thank you for replying!
I think it's all the yoga and all the vegan food : )

Maggie272 Fri 04-Oct-19 07:55:12

@itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted that's so beautiful, and you've really been through it. Yes, I think the goal ultimately is not to have any regrets. I understand what you mean about wanting to just enjoy life again. My 35th year has been all about fertility drugs and too little caffeine : ) I think you're an amazing woman and I hope you are taking care of yourself xx

BrotherForBear Fri 04-Oct-19 17:03:18

You sound incredibly level headed which is so rare after all you've been through.
I don't think you'd regret trying another time.
We had a failed ivf cycle last year and am now 8 weeks pregnant (I've never been pregnant before)
Good luck with whatever you decide to do x

Rachelover60 Fri 04-Oct-19 17:09:18

I think you are quite amazing, Maggie. Extremely level headed and kindly too.

You haven't said how difficult (or not) you found your one IVF experience, I know some people find it horrendous. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have done that but I'll never know. I suppose it is worth it if you get a positive result eventually.

Only you can weigh up the pros and cons but it is quite possible to be content without ever having children and I think you know that. It does sound as though you have a good and happy life and whatever happens, I hope that continues.

Congratulations to those who have been successful with IVF, it's great news.

Bonkersblond Fri 04-Oct-19 17:16:32

It’s a very hard decision and having been successful on 2nd IVF, I was prepared to try 3 times before drawing a line under it and moving on. You are very lucky if IVF works first time, the 1st round is often the practise round, certainly in my case anyway. It’s a rollercoasters of emotions, which is still with me (otherwise I wouldn’t click on these threads) 15 years after my IVF was successful, you don’t want any regrets 15 years down the line, of not giving IVF another go.

Maggie272 Fri 04-Oct-19 18:38:00

@BrotherForBear Congratulations!! And thank you for that, it's very encouraging! I hope you are doing very well x

@Rachelover60 Thanks love, it was difficult but luckily work was very flexible. I was on a long protocol. Having hardly ever even taken paracetemol (i can't even spell it!) the pill and the buserelin were tough going. But it was worth it because I got 3 really good embryos, two in the freezer, the first didn't work out. Yes, I think you can be positive and hopeful about life no matter what. I try to be disciplined with the way I think about this but it's hard when you're head runs away with you!

@Bonkersblond thank you for your reply! When you say second round of IVF do you mean a brand new cycle or another transfer? Luckily we have two embryos in the freezer. Congratulations on your successful cycle, wow 15 years ago! Our doctor recommended 2 rounds. The nurse today said that because the embryos seem to be implanting but not sticking they might look at giving me something extra...maybe my money back! haha, only joking. Yes, we'll go again, feeling more positive after speaking to the nurse this morning.

Thanks again ladies xxx

Bonkersblond Fri 04-Oct-19 20:04:54

Maggie272, I had another whole new round as the 1st round didn’t have any embryos to freeze. My 2nd go only produced 2 eggs, my consultant was happy to proceed with 2nd round because my 1st round achieved fertilisation, it could have been cancelled ...........

Bonkersblond Fri 04-Oct-19 20:06:17

Good luck anyway, as you have embryos in the freezer you have to give them a go xx

HJF84 Fri 04-Oct-19 21:34:09

@Maggie272 Beautifully written. I wish I had half your composure about it.

If you have two embryos in the freezer, you could always take six months or a year out and then see how you feel after that? My friend did four cycles, and took a six month break to 'live her life again'. It sounds like you could use a little of that again. Hopefully feeling more like the old you could help show you the right path.

If you find that crystal ball, send it my way when you're finished please grin

Maggie272 Sun 06-Oct-19 17:43:08

@Bonkersblond, thank you, yes we decided we will go. The clinic just rang me today and we have an appointment with the doctor on Tuesday. At least they serve good coffee at the clinic! M x

Maggie272 Sun 06-Oct-19 17:44:22

@HJF84 No, still haven't found the crystal ball! And you're right, we will leave it a couple of months - I'm off work from the end of November and we'll aim to do it then. It's a long road but you have to have periods of time where you are living life for you xxx

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