Failed to give my DS a sibling

[twinkledag]

My history -

2013: IVF 1 - failed then had DS from the FET in 2014

2016/17: IVF 2 - failed and FET failed

2018: IVF 3 - miscarriage then failed FET

2019: IVF 4 - nothing suitable for transfer

2019: IVF 5 - only one suitable to transfer. Early blastocyst which failed today.

Have spent £36,000 trying for a sibling.

Now time to accept I will never have another biological child.

DH doesn't want to go for donor - doesn't want me to keep going through expensive treatment.

Adoption may be in the future but I don't know.

But today it hurts so bad that I won't ever have another child that I can see myself in. That will have a mix of mine and DH's hair colour. That will have inherited my mannerisms.

Has anyone been in my position? What did you do? Move on? Have a donor sibling? Adoption? All stories welcome.

[everyonesacf]

I feel your pain. After 6 years of trying for a second child I accepted it wouldn't happen and got on with our lives. In that time I had 2 failed IVF attempts, 2 miscarriages and 2 chemical pregnancies. I'm now 3 years down the track from that decision and I am perfectly comfortable that we made the right choice to stop. I've never wanted my DD to feel that she isn't enough. We have a fantastic family dynamic and she's now at an age where going out, travelling etc is so easy. In all honesty if a miracle happened now I simply don't know what I would do. It does get easier and it helps to get to know other single child families. Our DDs bestie is also an only child!

[Samosaurus]

I’m in a similar position of having to accept that DS will most likely be an only. We’ve been ttc #2 for 2 years now, and have had one ectopic and one mmc (due to T21) during that time. It is very hard to get your head around the fact that your family won’t be how you imagined :(

[AllGoneABitPeteTong]

Hey We moves on. Slightly diff circs in that our first child was a result of multiple ivf and we decided not to go down that route again. What are the reasons you feel so strongly at the moment about having another child? You mentioned about a sibling but your DS may not be bothered about having an annoying younger sibling now who's 7+ years younger and him not having your sole attention. If you adopt/donor the child won't have your genetics/features. And the money you've spent is huge. The money you'd spend to keep going, could you instead put that to something for your DS? And for you both to have a break from the ivf treadmill? An amazing holiday or similar?
In the kindest possible way, the way you write about it sounds like it's become a bit of an obsession in a way that isn't making you feel good. It feels like you have a need to have a baby at any cost but I think it would help to step back and have time out of it to really figure out why that need is so overwhelming. Sorry for your pain.

[AllGoneABitPeteTong]

And you haven't failed at anything. Having a baby isn't a test you pass or fail. I know it's hard but it really sounds like you're criticising yourself here and you don't deserve any criticism because it isn't your fault that the ivf didn't work. It isn't anyone's fault. It's just an awful and shit thing that happens and there's nothing we can do about it.

[hoping2018]

Hi @twinkledag,

I’m so sorry to hear you’ve reached this point - I’ve kept an eye out for how you’re getting on since we Cycled at similar time’s in 2018.

For me to cope with ivf I always felt I needed to know I’d given it my best shot and as long as I had no regrets I’d be able to accept and enjoy life again one day. It really does sound like you’ve given it your all - thats all that can be asked.

As for your son / there are also great benefits to being an only child! And he will never know any different - he will never view you as failing him and one day I’m sure you’ll tell him everything and he’ll know how strong you are.

I hope you’ve got some quality family time planned and maybe a holiday too?!

[twinkledag]

Thank you everyone.

It's hard, we're taking it one day at a time.

Thanks @hoping2018. Been spending quality time with DS and feeling so so thankful that we have him.