My period is fucking with me

[BoomBoomBoomLetMeHearYouSay]

Gearing up to start ivf quite soon.

But...my period is late this month. My cycle averages 25/26 days, I am now on day 33. Hadn’t tested, was thinking it must be too good to be true.

And oh yes it is too good to be true - starting to spot today.

I know it is just par for the the course on this board and nothing significant but it’s so fucking frustrating.

I have friends saying to me stuff like “oh it’s all going to fall into place for you”. No it’s fucking not 😡

[JuanitaBonita]

Hey, this resonated with me as this was me last month - ughhhh it’s soul destroying isn’t it?
TTC 5+ years, had initial tests in March and came back with slight MFI (motility)/unexplained... It’s taken a long time for us to get the courage to start IVF, I had an Aquascan/HyCoSy set for just under two weeks then we’ll start the journey from there... eek! Is this your first IVF cycle?

[BoomBoomBoomLetMeHearYouSay]

Thanks, just needed a rant.
Yes will be first try and I am just dreading it.
Are you excited? I feel like I should be excited but I feel anything but 🙈

[BoomBoomBoomLetMeHearYouSay]

Are you telling people you are doing ivf ?
I am unclear whether to be open with people or not

[JuanitaBonita]

I’m petrified! Im usually a ‘glass half full’ kinda person, but after reading up so much on what to expect, likelihood of success etc I can’t help feeling shit scared of possible disappointment!

I haven’t told a soul about IVF, have you? I want to be able to tell my mum/close friends but at the same time if IVF isn’t successful for us I don’t want to have that conversation and have them all worry. It’s such a lonely process!

When are you starting IVF?

[BoomBoomBoomLetMeHearYouSay]

Our parents know we are thinking about it and I’ve also said to a couple of close friends but I feel like that was the wrong thing to do as I do feel there is a real lack of sensitivity eg

“You must be really excited”
“Everything will fall into place”
“Just relax”

Which is just annoying me!

I think I am going to delete various WhatsApp groups while we are doing it as just can’t deal with the steady stream of baby chat etc. Think will just make an excuse about wanting to curb social media use and come off while the procedure is ongoing.

[Pineapplebaby]

We spoke to anyone who would listen that we were starting IVF and kept everyone updated every step of the way on our first round (rose-tinted naivety, thinking/hoping we would be “the lucky ones” wasn’t helped by everyone saying “I just know it’ll happen first time for you...) and then had to have dozens of conversations when it didn’t work.
After that, we took ourselves off social media and avoided all baby talk, told everyone we’re taking a break and then carried on in secret.
We’ve still not been successful but at least we don’t have to have those conversations again and can deal with things privately. It does make it very lonely though, so it might be worth just finding one person who you know will be sensitive that you can rely on if needs be.

[BoomBoomBoomLetMeHearYouSay]

Yeah - I have been quite disappointed in how people have responded to me saying we were thinking about it so I know what you mean.
I just feel very isolated and excluded from certain social groups where the main focus is children and everyone likes to share news and experiences of being a parent. They aren’t trying to exclude me but I do feel outwith the group already.

[BoomBoomBoomLetMeHearYouSay]

Is it bad that my gut instinct is that I just don’t want ivf. If I really think about it.

I think I might prefer to adopt but I think my husband would prefer ivf.

[Pineapplebaby]

There’s nothing to feel bad about; IVF is a gruelling process and can take its toll on your body and relationship (not to mention your bank balance!) so you have to be 100% invested.
If that is how you feel though, you have to speak to your husband about it, you need to both be on the same page.
I would recommend speaking to a counsellor; we did before we began our treatment as it was mandatory by our clinic but we found it really helpful. Good luck xx

[BoomBoomBoomLetMeHearYouSay]

We have spoken about it a bit. He is not open to adoption until we at least try ivf. Which I can kind of understand.
I probably do need to speak to someone about it. Struggling with who. As I think I can access counselling through the clinic too but only once we are commencing with treatment.

[Pineapplebaby]

If you’re willing to pay privately for the counselling (as opposed to getting it “free” with treatment), I’m sure if you contact the clinic and ask for the number of someone, they should be able to help you.
The lady we spoke to is independent so although she was referred by the clinic, she’s not employed by them so you can self refer, if that makes sense.
We had our appointment over the phone which made it easier. If you would like her number or email address, I’d be happy to PM them to you x

[Pineapplebaby]

And I do kind of understand your husband’s point, however it’s very easy for a man to say that when his involvement is limited!
Ultimately it is a decision to be made together, however he has to understand exactly what it entails and it’s not an easy ride. True, some people breeze through it but others struggle, and he has to understand what he’s expecting you to go through x

[BoomBoomBoomLetMeHearYouSay]

Thanks for this.

I have emailed the clinic to ask them to refer a counsellor.

I suppose the problem is that if I say no to ivf and he says no to adoption where does that leave us, so on some level there’s got to be some sort of compromise.

He absolutely says that if I don’t do want to do the ivf he will support that. However he is not saying “and we would adopt”. He’s just saying he would consider adopting. Which is not the same as saying he actually would want to do it iyswim.

[BoomBoomBoomLetMeHearYouSay]

I feel like everyone thinks ivf is fucking magic and I’m crazy for being apprehensive.

[Pineapplebaby]

I totally get what you’re saying; unless you’re actually doing it, most people haven’t got the first clue unfortunately.
I understand your concern that you could be left with zero options but that is a long way off.
Whilst he might not be saying ok let’s do adoption straight away, he also hasn’t ruled it out. He is most likely just apprehensive about something he doesn’t know enough about.
Wanting a family and it not coming easy (like it seems to be for so many people) is heart wrenching, and it’s hard to know what to do for the best; but the best thing you can do is look into all the options, discuss the pros and cons with each other and go from there.
And tell anyone who comes out with shit like “it’ll just happen I know it” to go fuck themselves!
Two years and two m/c down and I’m still being told by do-gooders (that didn’t know) “oh I bet you’ll be one of the lucky ones, I just know it”
Having said that, friends of ours were lucky 2/3 times so you just don’t know

[BoomBoomBoomLetMeHearYouSay]

Thank you @Pineapplebaby, have found it really helpful to chat to someone going through a similar experience.

[Catshavebellybuttons]

Hi, first time posting about our infertility and imminent ivf. I was actually about to make my own post along the same lines as @BoomBoomBoomLetMeHearYouSay but saw this one, so hope you don’t mind me tagging on.
I’m feeling intensely frustrated about no show period (a week late now) as it’s delaying starting this whole gruelling process and just adding to my anxiety about it all. Feeling angry with myself for foolishly getting my hopes up that we’d be one of those ‘miracles’ who catches the month we’re due to start... 20 odd negative cheapies over the course of the week say otherwise though. Also wholeheartedly relate to so many people being breathtakingly insensitive, my patience for the inane bullshit they drivel has well and truly run dry. Favourite infertility and pregnancy loss bingos so far have included the obligatory stories about some randomer they know who had ivf; “it worked first time, so I’m sure you’ll be fine!” When I was sobbing my heart out at what would have been my first baby’s due date my MIL trying to cheer me up by saying “I’ll remind you of this when your going through the sleepless nights with a newborn” erm, thanks? Although not quite as bad as my own Gran telling me 4 months after our loss “I know it’s not what you want to hear, but you really do just need to get over this”.
Anyway, sorry to hijack your thread, just wanted to say you’re definitely not alone in any of how you feel
I don’t know if you’ve already seen this article but thought it might help medium.com/@katylindemann/infertility-and-the-tyranny-of-positivity-79b7a96597cb
I found it incredibly validating when certain people were berating me because apparently I needed to be more positive
This one is also very good www.google.co.uk/amp/s/metro.co.uk/2018/11/27/how-to-support-someone-with-fertility-problems-8156295/amp/ and should be mandatory reading for those who have difficulty engaging their brain before speaking.
Good luck to you all in whichever path you choose to travel!

[BoomBoomBoomLetMeHearYouSay]

Great articles, thank you.

Yes I had a friend tell me the other day I was “lucky” they found my endometriosis

And that everything was going to fall into place now. Not sure I count doing ivf as everything falling into place but hey ho.

[PrincessHoneysuckle]

I think it's worse because you hear so many stories of how people conceive naturally just before IVF so you think its fate then get let down.

[Pineapplebaby]

Anytime
Oh yes, gotta love the “you’re lucky” comments, because that always makes you feel better!

[Catshavebellybuttons]

I’ve also been told “it will all fall into place now, you just need to relax”. Doesn’t occur to them that the reason we’re at this stage is because so far nothing has ever fallen into place for us, so we have understandably lost faith that it ever will. Allowing ourselves to believe that it will feels terrifying because it’s just a greater height to fall from if it doesn’t.

I think what bugs me most about all the “your lucky that...” comments people make is that it’s so dismissive of our very genuine and well founded fears. They might as well just say “I care about you so little that I can’t even be bothered to try and empathise with how you feel.” I think I might be sounding very bitter by now, but after 2 years of this shit I’m sick of being understanding and making allowances for people saying the wrong thing because they’re not sure what is the right thing to say. If they actually cared enough to give it any thought a quick google would have prevented some of the most hurtful things that are said. Yet we’re expected to bite our tongues because you can guarantee people will take offence if you try to ask them to stop saying certain things.

@PrincessHoneysuckle yeah it definitely doesn’t help, especially when even the consultant at your clinic appointment says it, ffs!

[BoomBoomBoomLetMeHearYouSay]

I said to one friend I was v apprehensive about ivf and she basically said oh well you’ll need to decide whether you want a family or not.
Does she think I would even be considering it if I wasn’t sure I wanted a family??!!
I might be being v v sensitive I’m just like ok then.

[BoomBoomBoomLetMeHearYouSay]

Or I’ve also had comments from non medically trained people about how “your fertility must be ok, you don’t smoke or drink much or do drugs”.

Well I’m over 40 with endo so not really!!!

[Catshavebellybuttons]

Ah yes... the fact that we’ve read up on the realistic stats for success and how physically, emotionally and financially crippling the ivf process can be is evidence that we just haven’t given this enough thought! Silly us!

[Catshavebellybuttons]

I don’t think you’re overly sensitive. I think other people lack sensitivity. I hope I would never have been as insensitive as people have been to me regardless of how my life had played out, but I will say that just about the only positive I can take from this situation is that it’s made me much more thoughtful about how to support others during difficult times.