Why are people so thoughtless?

[summerblues]

Was at a meeting today with collegues. All the small chit chat was about sleepless nights and taking wee ones on holiday and how stressful it all is . I did the usual polite laughing along with them. Then one turned to me and said "i take it you dont have a family yet?" Presumably because I wasnt sharing any stories. I said no, not yet.

I don't know why it grates on me but they started all the "oh I wish I knew what I was getting myself in for, I miss my childfree life" etc etc.

Why say that?! Just, why??

[PersonaNonGarter]

This is a bit unfair. She was making small talk and can’t be expected to diagnose your struggles.

But I do hear your pain but try not to let the hurt get misdirected. People aren’t perfect - if you don’t expect perfection they won’t let you down.

I am sorry you are feeling like this - it is so hard.

[summerblues]

I know, you are right, people arent mind readers.

[Alexkate2468]

When you’re having fertility issues, every comment like that feels like s stab in the chest. When you can step back from it, it’s perfectly innocent. Other people really can’t be expected to know everyone’s struggles. We’d barely have any conversations if we worried all the time. How many people complain about their partners and who knows who has just lost one etc.

Also, people say those things lightheartedly the majority of the time. Parenting is hard and people talk about it. If they did it knowing your circumstances-that’s different.

I genuinely feel your pain OP but I found the only way to deal with this was to not let these comments register. I’d just try to block them and see the intention behind them. Infertility is cruel and makes innocent everyday situations a painful nightmare.

[mouse1234567]

Unfortunately OP people can be insensitive. It’s not for everybody but I try to be fairly open with people which sometimes helps -but also sometimes people still aren’t that sensitive anyway.

I actually do think that people should be generally more aware and sensitive and think more about what they say to people. Sadly, so many people are wrapped up in their world and don’t think before they talk. People with no experience of infertility can be ignorant-not always -but they can be.

Thinking of you.

[stucknoue]

It's unfortunate but it's mindless chitchat, you could be not trying yet or childless by choice, they aren't being deliberately insensitive. I suggest you either need to say something or accept people will say such things

[TealGreenBalloons]

The comment to you was inappropriate, I'd never comment on someone not having kids or say anything like that to someone, especially a colleague.

They're not being unreasonable with the general chitchat though, that's normal and they're talking about things they have in common and are a huge part of their lives.

[TwistofFate]

@summerblues I think it's thoughtlessness, most people don't struggle with infertility and it doesn't occur to them that other people can't just have children when they want to. In the last 18 months 7 of my colleagues have had babies so there's been a lot of bump and baby chat, I try to nod and smile along until I can politely excuse myself from the conversation.

[jemimafuddleduck]

I hate this sort of thing. I have one colleague who often tells me how lucky I am to not have kids, that I can go out whenever I want and we have lots of money as a double income child free household.

I want to scream at her that we're not lucky!!! We've spent around £20k so far on ivf and have fuck all to show for it! So take your chit chat elsewhere because I don't want to hear it!

In reality I smile and say nothing, because I don't want to share our infertility with my work colleagues.