Please share your coping strategies

(10 Posts)
frankyHK178 Mon 01-Jul-19 00:08:58

Hi everyone, I just thought I’d post and get some suggestions. I’m 34 and married to my dh going on 7 yrs. We’ve been ttcing for 7 yrs as well. We had 2 ivf cycles last year. First one failed and the 2nd ended up with mc. We are finally ttcing again! We’re about to start ivf with de. I’m very excited but at the same time I’m so sad… I still can’t get over the mcs (3 in gen., on early terms). I’m nervous and scared, because we’ll have only one try with de. If it fails, I don't know how I'll cope…

Anyway, I’m wondering if any of you really struggled with others pregnancies after a loss and how you handled it. I’m working SO hard on my positive attitude... But that doesn’t take away the hurt especially when you see that others have what you lost and have it so easily. It’s like salt in the wound. I have to put on this mask in order to be able to deal with it. I’ve tried opening up to my mom about it when I meltdown after finding out someone close to me is pregnant. I get the feeling that she is tired of my "pitty party" and she wants me to move on. So I’ve just stopped talking about my pain with her. DH is understanding and very sensitive, but I don’t want to bother him as he works so hard to save money so we could have all the treatments. All of my girlfriends are having kids/expecting.

Has anyone else had similar experience? I’ve heard so many people be like "Just be happy for them". But it’s deeper than that! Please share your coping strategies! I am thankful that we are ttc again. I’m thankful we can have another ivf. That has been helping me a lot! At the same time this whole ttc journey and pg women everywhere is depressing me.

OP’s posts: |
jjjen Mon 01-Jul-19 00:36:22

I'm sorry about your failed IVFs. And I'm so so sorry about your m/cs. I had a m/c last year and it was awful. I remember feeling I should "pull myself together" - oh dear that was hard... I concentrated on getting pg again - we are still trying, but I do my best not to lose it. Since my m/c I have become consumed by ttc again - it's getting obsessive. I think this is my way of coping- like it will make it all better when I'm pregnant again. Have you spoken to your doctor? Perhaps they could point you in the right direction for some kind of support. I think everyone copes (or not) very differently and I think perhaps you should sit down and tell your mum how you feel. I'm sure she would be more understanding if she really knew how much you were hurting.

XamberXx Mon 01-Jul-19 00:47:05

I’m really sorry you had a miscarriage. I haven't had any mcs, but I also have to fight off my feelings of jealousy when I find out others are pregnant. The thing is, being on this forum and seeing all the women struggling with trying to get pregnant has really helped me a lot! This place is a huge support. I have friends who "accidentally" got pregnant and have been complaining ever since. It makes me so angry! And it takes everything in me to be able to deal with them. The only thing I can say is it's natural to feel hurt or jealous or just angry. And you should never apologize for feeling that way. If your mother is tired of hearing about it, find others (like us) to share your feelings with. We're all going through frustrating times. I'm sure everyone here is more than willing to listen when you need to talk!

janettes7 Mon 01-Jul-19 02:30:56

I am struggling with this as well. I've had 2 miscarriages in the past 4 months, no children. I am 31, and people say "oh you’re young you'll be fine", but that is not how I feel. I am thankful I am young enough to have time to figure this out, but it doesn't make these losses easier and it doesn't make it easier when people around me get pregnant and have babies.

I've heavily relied on my best friend for support in these last few months. Well, a few days ago she told me she went off birth control and they are trying to get pregnant… Only 1 week after my 2nd miscarriage she decided this. I'm so sad. I don't blame her. I can't control her life by my suffering. I just wish they'd wait a little while. It makes me so sad. I can't talk to her about my pain anymore. I guess I need to find a new friend for the time being. I know when she gets pregnant, we'll probably stop hanging out because I don't want to deal with that. It's the hardest thing. I find myself praying it doesn't happen for them for at least a few months, until I can try again with donor eggs. It's so selfish of me. I feel like every time I get back up, I get knocked back down again.

frankyHK178 Mon 01-Jul-19 02:34:11

Thanks so much for all of your encouragement. It has just hurt so much at seeing other people have babies and I have felt guilty about my feelings about it at the same time. It’s crazy! I was thinking the other day... How would any woman handle it? Those that are pregnant and have their baby around me would feel just as devastated and hurt if I was the one pregnant or with a healthy baby and they were the ones going through infertility. So, that helps me realize its normal and I don’t have to be some kind of superwoman that just gets up and goes on like nothing has happened. Anyway, I pray for all of you on this board every day and appreciate your comments!

OP’s posts: |
lorraddu Mon 01-Jul-19 02:51:13

I need people around me to be sensitive. Although I may joke about infertility to help myself cope, it doesn't seem as funny when others joke about it. Some people just don’t get how hurtful their jokes are. Please stop teasing us with remarks like, "You don't seem to know how to do it" or "I'd be glad to give you one of my kids." Also comments like, "You'll be a parent by this time next year." Or when they say, "You shouldn't be so unhappy." Some people just drive me nuts! They also like to push us into uncomfortable situations like baby showers or family reunions. Thank you Susan, but I already feel sad and guilty! Don't also make me feel guilty for disappointing you! Some advice and suggestions are only frustrating to me if they aren't based on fact. Please don't tell me that my infertility will be cured if I relax and adopt.

Honestly this is really hard to cope with infertility. This is impossible (for me at least) to cope with loss… I know my infertility will never completely go away because it changed my life. I won't be able to return to the person I was before infertility, but I also do not want to be controlled by this struggle. I know I need to leave the struggle behind me. I just have to. I want to enjoy life, but not put it on hold.

charliettc Mon 01-Jul-19 03:16:46

I am so sorry for your loss. That is something I don’t think you will ever get over. You will survive through it, but the pain will always be there and sometimes it will get worse before it gets better. I had mc last year. Just when I thought I had put it past me, I see u/s of friend’s pregnancy. Then I find out more friends have become pregnant. Even though I am happy for each one of them I go home and cry... because it isn’t me. I wish them all healthy pregnancies but I just wish they would understand and be sensitive. I feel like my mom is the only one in this battle with me. My dh thinks I will get pregnant just like that and we just had a bump in the road. But I don’t think what I went through was a bump... It happened to be a huge ditch that hurt a lot! I am so glad you posted... I got to vent a bit too. I guess that is what this site is for! I hope everything works out for you!

treesandbranches Mon 01-Jul-19 12:03:13

I cope by knowing I'm not alone, knowing it's not my fault this is happening to me and actively asking for the help and support I need from friends and family. And letting them know if they have said something hurtful. But there are always days when I think I can't cope with another disappointment, and why can't we be the lucky ones just once. I don't know anyone else in my circle of friends going through infertility. I did have one who reached out, then her IVF worked and I didn't hear from her again. People always ask do you have kids, (I think because I work part time, my sister does have kids or just because they are nosey), then when I say no, there's always has to be a bloody follow up comment, and it always pisses me off. "Oh well done, it's much better being an Aunty" "have you tried IVF" to my friend "start knitting booties for her that always works" "why don't you get a dog", "so what do you do with all your spare time?". FFS. We've been TTC in 2012 the year after we got married, tried for two years then got diagnosed unexplained infertility, then I had a cycling accident and had terrible chronic pain for two years, couldn't sit let alone TTC, then got back on it, told that IVF might interfere with a health condition I have, referrals, waiting. Just had my first round of IVF and it failed. Meanwhile my friends first kids are 8 this year and I turn 40. My life feels like it's always in limbo, we've bought a house, partly to have room for a family. No family. I can't join in with conversations about parenting. I try to mix with friends who are older and younger than me so they are free to go out and we can talk about things other than kids. And we are treating ourselves to a holiday as something to look forward to, but nothing can make up for this thing I want so badly. This is not how I thought life would work out.

Girlinajumpsuit Mon 01-Jul-19 15:29:09

I cope by focusing on other things and making sure that I can visualise a future for myself thst doesn't necessarily involve babies. I'm 34 too, been ttc for over 2 years and am starting IVF next month. The doctor has just advised I need to start asap due to low AMH levels which has been even more of a blow. I feel all your pain, it is so awful dealing with what seems like the millions of pregnant friends and babies that I feel bombarded with every day.

For me, what has made me feel stronger is thinking about what I really want in life and what would bring me joy apart from having a family (in my case a career change) and directing lots of energy towards that so I can see a positive future that doesn't necessarily involve children. I've also chosen not to speak to my friends about IVF as the kind of comments I've had, e.g. "you will get there in the end", "I know how you feel I was trying for 4 months with my second" or " it will be worth it in the end" I find patronising and unhelpful and to be honest, this sounds harsh, but I don't want their pity. To many of my friends, being a mum is the be all and end all of life and that's not a helpful attitude when facing potential infertility.

treesandbranches Mon 01-Jul-19 18:29:55

@Girlinajumpsuit if they had the strong arm emoji, I'd use it. Loved everything you said and yes during my 6.5 years of this, it's been my biggest coping strategy, having other things going on in my life. Biggest thing has been volunteering in a local charity doing marketing, I now have lots of like minded local friends many of whom don't have children so I feel part of the community, even though I don't have a mums network. I've also decided to get really stuck in with babysitting and spending time with my niece and nephew and other friends kids including school pick up, so I've got to know people through that and love spending time with them. I always do parties that parents can bring kids along too, it means I can still spend time with the parents. The kids are sweet, and good fun. Lots of happy memories. Only downside is drinking from 4pm to midnight for the late night revellers confused I'm glad we haven't isolated ourselves and apart from the odd tactless comment, no one makes us feel like freaks for not having children. I also know it's been great for my sister me having so much energy to support her and I feel proud of that. Her kids are 7 and 4 now, so if this does ever bloody work she'd have more energy to support me, than if we'd both had babies at the same time (we started trying when her first was born).

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