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This sucks

(12 Posts)
sillysmiles Fri 14-Jun-19 10:29:27

I'm 40, and yesterday I was told at my 9 week scan that there was no heartbeat and baby had stopped growing. This was an IVF pregnancy and the only time we've got a top class blastocyst. There is one in storage still but wasn't great quality I think.

This really felt like our only real chance to have a family and now it's gone.
I'm so sad at the potential future we've lost.

I'm so (irrationally) angry at people who are fertile and get pregnant and carry those pregnancies through.

And I still have to go through the medical management for it, though I'm putting that off until next week.

ryanreynolds Fri 14-Jun-19 10:37:49

People who know more will be along shortly, but I'm so sorry for your loss. thanksthanksthanks

Pinktruffle Fri 14-Jun-19 11:00:24

I'm so so sorry @sillysmiles. Though I know there is not really anything I can say to make you feel better, a miscarriage is devastating, make you sure you get as much support as possible for yourself.

I can definitely empathise with the anger at the fertile who will never know or understand this pain and the effect it has on every part of your life. I know I feel it every day.

I'll be thinking of you xxx

LillyLeaf Fri 14-Jun-19 11:06:21

I'm so sorry you're going through this, it's utterly shit. My first IVF pregnancy ended at 9 weeks also and I've just had another MC at 7 weeks. I totally understand how you are feeling, I can't even look at a pregnant woman right now and it feels very isolating. Just be angry and sad, there's no other way to be. I think for me one of the most frustrating things is the time I've lost. I did my stims cycle in December and it's now June and nothing has changed. We'll get through it, just be selfish and look after yourself.

Patienceisvirtuous Fri 14-Jun-19 11:08:44

Sorry for your loss. I’ve just miscarried at 9 weeks too. My fifth miscarriage. But my fourth pregnancy resulted in my boy.

I hope you get your family x

sillysmiles Fri 14-Jun-19 12:12:58

@lillyleaf yes! The feeling if having wasted time! Started IVF last October. It's now June and other than using the money we had saved for it, we've nothing to show for it. There's also a part of me that's annoyed at myself for not starting sooner with IVF. For remaining optimistic and thinking it would happen for us. For thinking good things happen to good people.

RedPandaFluff Fri 14-Jun-19 12:23:31

@sillysmiles I'm so sorry - and @LillyLeaf too. It's awful; I've been there. And yes - I found this Christmas particularly hard as we were a year into our IVF journey and were back at square one, except many thousands of pounds poorer, so I totally get the frustration.

The only thing that got me through was trying again, as soul-destroying as it was to contemplate. A new cycle did bring me fresh hope and I would get myself back into a more positive mindset. I hope you get there eventually but you'll need time to grieve and recover physically 💐

sillysmiles Fri 14-Jun-19 12:34:28

For me, I have to get through the actual physical aspects of miscarrying still. And then no idea how long before we could go again.
We then have one frozen one left in the bank and that's it.
There is no more money to throw at this and realistically it's going to get harder the older I get.

LillyLeaf Fri 14-Jun-19 12:36:15

@sillysmiles oh god I can't even think about the money we've spent. But I do agree with @RedPandaFluff that for me moving on to the the next cycle really helps, but it is an individual thing. I'm having some tests done to see if anything can explain the MCs and even that feels like I'm doing something. I also could kick myself for not starting IVF sooner but as we are unexplained there was always that little bit of hope that it would happen naturally.

KittyKatSmile Fri 14-Jun-19 20:01:45

Hi @sillysmiles. I'm so sorry for your loss. I've had 4 miscarriages in the last year, none as far along as yours and only the last one requiring medical management. It's heart breaking when you first find out but I felt a lot better once I'd had the procedure and felt able to move on. I then got started with IVF pretty soon afterwards (d&c was 25 March and I'm about to have ET next week. I was also delayed a few weeks by my first period being slightly late so there's the potential to go earlier than that).

I would say it's definitely worth asking for the tests to see if there is any reason you may be miscarrying. I have got elevated natural killer cells and also had a problem with my thyroid which are now hopefully under control.

My thoughts are with you. Good luck x

sillysmiles Fri 14-Jun-19 21:13:58

At the moment as well I'm struggling to tell people-esp my sisters. Logically I think this is because 1) telling people makes it real 2) I know how upset they will be for us.
That's tomorrow's job. Today there is chocolate

LillyLeaf Fri 14-Jun-19 21:33:40

Literally munching my way through a pack of chocolate hobnobs right now. Be kind to yourself. Also I had a medical management the first time in case you want to ask me anything.

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