Husband not coping and can’t see past his own darkness

[mikkyr]

Hi guys
So today I had FET. And as much as I wanted it to be an exciting happy experience it has turned out dreadful.
My husband had a vasectomy 10 years ago as he and his ex wife had decided on no more children.
We got married and I always expressed my wishes to have a child. He never closed that door.
Fast forward ... he had a testes biopsy 3 days ago and we got 8 embryos from my 2 Egg retrieval cycles.
We have honestly been arguing non stop since we found out the date for his biopsy and it’s all been about his issues around this process. From not being a participant in the act of making a baby, to anger at his ex, to me being grateful. Etc etc etc.
we have had some tough times and yesterday we seemed to have dealt with everything. I’ve been reassuring and attending to every concern of his.
Today and FET Day and you would think he would be able to put his darkness aside for one day but no.... the drive there was like a funeral procession. The man is miserable.

And I’m so peed off that there just couldn’t be a glimmer of happiness on today for me. I honestly feel like if this cycle fails, I couldn’t go through another simply because he won’t cope.

[HollowTalk]

He's utterly selfish. He wants you to be grateful? He's blaming his ex for their decision to have a vasectomy?

[Blueroses99]

Fertility treatment is really tough on men as well, emotionally at least. My husband had difficult times but without anyone to talk to about it. Is the vasectomy the sole reason for needing IVF? If so, I wonder if he feels guilty about putting you both through it but is expressing it in an unhelpful way.

Find your own hope - today you are PUPO and I have everything crossed that it works out for you x

[mikkyr]

Vasectomy is the sole reason for us needing ivf I believe. I’m 40 with no kids of my own so I wouldn’t know if I have any issues. I understand that it’s hard on him and I understand he feels responsible but in the same breath I feel responsible for his misery as I am the one who wants a child

I completely get dealing with these issues but I’m so angry that even on today the limelight is on how he feels. Surely a sensible person who he is would be able to package his negative emotions for the sake of doing the right thing and behaving the right way today. I don’t get it. It seems childish and spoilt to me.

Please excuse how I’m talking about my husband. I’m just peed off and angry at him right now.

[HollowTalk]

I would get myself out of the house and stay away for the weekend. I wouldn't want him around; I'd be too angry with him for ruining the experience.

[mikkyr]

What mostly pisses me off is that we have been doing this together (he has also had to inject himself) since January. And he hasn’t given the enormity of what we are doing a second thought until now when we are at the crux of the process.

[AliceAbsolum]

he hasn’t given the enormity of what we are doing a second thought until now when we are at the crux of the process

Exactly the same as mine. Its a coping mechanism isn't it. Bloody frustrating though.
What does he say when you express your concerns?

[mikkyr]

He is just a defensive arse. I lost it today. I’m so tired of being the one who has to have it all together while he can mope and fall apart.

[AliceAbsolum]

Try falling apart for a bit, it shocks mine into action. Don't sort of start self harming or anything But some drinking and crying never goes a miss. Call his bluff.

[Loopytiles]

He is U for being moody when you’re having the bulk of the treatment, and if he expects you to be grateful! Having DC together is a long shot given his vasectomy and your age.

[hoping2018]

It sounds like you’re both going through a lot - the process is so hard on everyone. Does your clinic offer any counselling - could you convince him (and you) to attend. Either a bfp or bfn will be a lot to process and it’s wortj working through this sooner rather than later.

Good luck