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Moving on from treatments: adoption?

(11 Posts)
FingersXssd83 Tue 30-Apr-19 18:52:08

Long story short: Age 35, TTC 2 years. Unexplained. We've done three cycles and are part-way through our third (had to freeze on day 3 due to suspect endometriomal cyst and have to wait for a scan and potential lap before continuing with FETs).

I'm not sure I want to continue with IVF and our frozen embies. Just feel that the process brings me so much anxiety and misery. My life has never been so awful and want it to get better.

Have always wanted to adopt so I called an agency near us yesterday to book onto an open event but DH is livid. He's totally not ready and says he wants us to do up to 5 cycles (!!).

I'm under no illusion that adoption is easy but at least I feel it offers a guaranteed opportunity of starting our family.

Does anyone else feel like this? Unsure if I'm being premature. We can afford a few more cycles (we v luckily got three on the NHS) and I would love biological and adopted children. Just fed up of IVF and beyond ready to start my family!

updownleftrightstart Tue 30-Apr-19 20:33:38

Surely there's no harm in just going to an information evening? I felt how you did before even trying any treatment and adoption was my first choice. But soon after going down that route we were told we wouldn't be approved so at least knew what our options were and we went ahead with treatment instead.

Teddybear45 Wed 01-May-19 06:08:57

Adoption isn’t easier than IVF. In many ways it’s harder. You probably won’t get a baby / toddler and may even have a child with unknown or hidden MH / behaviourial issues. Imagine what your anxiety will be like then . It seems a bit strange giving up on IVF when you still have useable embryos and are getting 3 cycles for free in the NHS (many conditions like PCOS/ Endo require a minimum of 4 or 5 to be successful).

Could you instead not talk to your consultant about what you can do to improve your chances of success? Level 1/2 testing, Karytoyping etc can call help to improve your protocol. You also sound like you need counselling - it’s free for IVF and the clinic can put you in touch with someone.

AnnaSteen Wed 01-May-19 15:36:42

Would it be better to first discuss using donor eggs and sperm before moving to adoption? I am only finished my first round but I think if we are not getting anywhere I would try donor sperm and egg and at least we would get to experience having a baby and bringing it up as our own from day 1/ no adoptive parents or family to deal with. Although maybe I just don’t know enough about it to know that this would be the case.

Britneysfa Wed 01-May-19 17:34:02

My area asks you to wait after ivf (usually 12 months or so) before your aproved, so that the decision to adopt is a seperate one to the decision to stop ivf.

dreichuplands Wed 01-May-19 17:40:59

Adoption can be a very valid way of giving a child the stability and love that will enable them to flourish. Some adoptions can be very successful but it is thought that up to a quarter break down.
As a pp said it is usual to wait for a year after your last IVF cycle to start any adoption procedures.
It is also pretty critical that you and your DH are both truly signed up to what can be a very long and very mentally intrusive process.
I have been through IVF and placed DC for adoption as a social worker. They can both be rewarding and devastating processes.
I have seen adoptions that are rewarding for everyone and adoptions that break down causing significant distress for everyone.

stucknoue Wed 01-May-19 17:58:36

Going to an information meeting is a good idea as you will see what the process entails, as others have said there is a waiting period from stopping ivf to starting adoption but having the information may make you think one way or the other

MyDcAreMarvel Wed 01-May-19 18:01:39

Have you looked into embryo adoption abroad?

FingersXssd83 Thu 02-May-19 08:31:09

Thanks for all of your replies. Our consultant doesn't think we need to do DE (yet). Although we only get 3-4 embryos, pretty much all of them get to blast. He'd just like a couple more.

Think I'm just exhausted from IVF and with us not yet transferring on cycle 3, I'm finding the waiting - and highly likely BFNs - a bit overwhelming.

Totally understand that adoption isn't easy. We have friends who have been adopted and it hasn't been very challenging. Would love to give a child who's had a traumatic start a family.

Think I'm almost ready to close the chapter on IVF. Hopefully I won't need surgery, we'll do the FETs (they'll need to be medicated so will take blummin' ages to get through!) one will stick and everything will work out.

If they don't then I think me and DH will need to review next steps. Won't push him into adoption if his heart isn't in it. I don't want battles and resentment to set in. I guess if he won't go through with it, I might need to consider being childless.

FingersXssd83 Thu 02-May-19 08:32:18

Meant has not hasn't blush

Runner31 Tue 07-May-19 09:08:49

Hi, my husband and I recently decided to end our IVF journey and have started the adoption process. We started IVF after 5 years of TTC last August. The first cycle ended in miscarriage and our last cycle ended in chemical pregnancy. We still have two frozen embryos and another cycle of IVF if we want it but I just can't put myself through it. I felt like I was losing myself and taking injections and hormones that just made me depressed. The constant ups and downs of IVF were making me miserable, bitter and jealous of every one around us who had a family including those closest to us. We had isolated ourselves from friends and family and I knew if we continued we would be risking our future together as I was beginning to hate how I felt and who I had become.
My husband initially would have preferred we used the final two embryos from this cycle but the thought of starting injections again just sent me to tears and in to depression.

So....I called out local authority one month after our BFN who told us that we could start the application process now. They do sometimes ask people to wait 6 or 12 months post IVF but they said adoption is a long process which would take 6 months anyway and they assess if you have fully grieved the loss of a natural family. If they are happy and you can show you have both moved on from IVF they are happy to proceed.
So tomorrow we have our first meeting with a social worker and a further telephone interview next week. I honestly feel better than I have in years. I'm terrified adoption could go wrong or we could be declined by social workers but I know I will be dealing with that with a clear mind and not one filled with extra hormones that stop me from being myself.
Both of you going to the information event would be ideal so your husband can see what it's all about. When it comes to continuing IVF my husband took the view that it is me who is going through hell with each cycle so he felt the final decision was mine.
Good luck. X

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