When do you give up?

(4 Posts)
juneybean Wed 17-Apr-19 08:48:30

I'm about 27/28 (have lost count) cycles in, never a sniff of a BFP. I have had all the tests and am diagnosed with diminished ovarian reserve. To add to the mix I'm gay so have to rely on a third party, so we are 2 years into a home arrangement on our second donor in that time, and feeling immensely guilty as my body doesn't even ovulate on the same day each month, so am arranging this poor bloke last minute every month and relying on his good wife for TTC advice as she's had four of her own.

We can't afford IVF, already done two cycles of IUI in the past.

My wife doesn't want to carry and I respect that.

When do we give up? How do you know when it's time to stop?

OP’s posts: |
JeNeBaguetteRien Wed 17-Apr-19 09:29:34

Hi Juney,
Sorry you find yourself in this position.
Would your CCG fund any treatment?
Was your IUI treatment private?
I'm not sure if you've tried anything like Clomid which obviously can't help with the diminished reserve but might increase your chances of ovulating if you are not ovulating every month.

Regarding when to stop it's a very difficult and personal decision. A counsellor might help but it's so hard to know when to draw a line and consider a different future to what you had planned.
Is your current donor willing to keep trying for a while longer? Have you and your wife had a good chat about it?

DH and I said we'd try IVF once just so we know we'd tried it. Currently saving for round 3 and I don't know where we'll stop.

I don't know if this is an option at all but would your DW consider egg donation as a way to fund treatment if her reserves are good? Eggs collected to be shared between you and another recipient with reduced cost IVF for you?

I really hate when people say never give up on this. At some point people might make that very difficult decision and start making peace with it as far as possible.

Good luck whatever you both decide.

juneybean Wed 17-Apr-19 11:47:53

Hi JeNe thanks for replying and sorry you're going through this also.

We've had some donations of clomid (1 cycle) and femara (2 cycles) from online friends (so not on a tracked cycle...) and I'm midway through the 2nd cycle of femara so hoping this one is it.

I did seem to ovulate each month but in November and December had two 42 cycles so suspect anovulatory.

Donor does seem willing but still feel massively guilty that he continues to take all the good vitamins despite him and his wife having finished their family. Such good people.

Wife is terrified of hospital so not sure if I could convince her donate eggs but it's worth chatting to the fertility clinic about.

I just feel all too aware that every time I speak to my GP etc. it's being noted down and the whole mustn't have tried for 6 months before we can considering adoption is starting over again. But then I'm terrified we wouldn't be approved for adoption (no particular reason why we would, just a massive worry)

OP’s posts: |
JeNeBaguetteRien Thu 18-Apr-19 08:57:17

It sounds like you have a lot going on in your head regarding where you're at.
If it helps I was offered zero monitoring when I had Clomid on NHS, I had to push for a blood test as it hadn't stopped my spotting, they upped the dose but wouldn't do another blood test so I paid for private blood tests and scans (which did confirm ovulation).

Re the donor - I know a man who donated years ago and is proud of having helped his friends. So if he says he is happy to keep going for now take him at face value.

Re adoption and the 6 months after stopping TTC. If you're seriously considering it have a read of the adoption boards of you haven't already. You could probably find an information evening you could go to with no pressure. It appears that adoption is a whole new cycle of waiting so 6 months in the scheme of it might not be so bad and gives you time to research. There is also no tick tock biological clock, but I do think it's an all-consuming difficult process of its own. You would have support from the adoption agency though.
Good luck whatever you decide.

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