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Not on the same page re giving up TTC

(8 Posts)
elasticfantastic Fri 05-Apr-19 18:59:46

My DH just hit me with the info that he wants to have another go at ICSI. I'm soooo over TTC.

For background. 9 years TTC. 6 MC (that includes 2 x ectopic- one of which ruptured my Fallopian tube) have done ICSI, got pregnant miscarried, then had another go with FET got pregnant... saw heartbeat on 3 scans before miscarrying that one.

I'm now 40. I'm in a place where I've accepted that kids aren't in our future. I'm now even in a place where I'm thinking I don't want to start a family in my 40s . I can see our financially secure , able to retire early, future without kids in a positive way. It's taken a loooong time for me to get to this stage mentally. I've spent nearly 9 years in living life in the soul destroying 2 week cycle of waiting for ovulation and the praying for a BFP. The last few months of not trying has felt like a weight lifted.

We've had looong talks and I thought we were on the same page. Apparently not. The thought of going through it again feels like I've got bricks in my stomach. Plus a lot of emotional eating means that I also now need to lose 4 stone before we could do ICSI again. I'd need to lose that within the next 6 months for us to be able to do it (it's can't just be straight forward ICSI due to genetic issues so there's a age and weight limit on the treatment we need).

But I feel I need to do this for him. But it fills me with dread.

I don't even know why I'm posting. I don't know what I want to hear. I just feel like I need to talk about it. I've got good friends but they've all got kids so can't understand. I don't know what to do. I feel like if I say no I'm a totally selfish cow. To be clear he is putting NO pressure on me. He just wanted to know if how I feel is absolute.

FingersXssd83 Fri 05-Apr-19 19:36:59

I get what you mean. I'm mid way through our third cycle and feel like I don't want to do it anymore. It's making my life extremely miserable.

My DH sees us doing up to 6 cycles OE and then going onto DE. Cant think of anything worse but I can see me chasing a BFP and going again of this one fails.

Maybe you need another long chat to see where you end up.

Good luck whatever you decide xx

FingersXssd83 Fri 05-Apr-19 19:37:12

Although I haven't been through half of what you have, I get what you mean. I'm mid way through our third cycle and feel like I don't want to do it anymore. It's making my life extremely miserable.

My DH sees us doing up to 6 cycles OE and then going onto DE. I can't think of anything worse but I can see me chasing a BFP and going again of this one fails.

Maybe you need another long chat to see where you end up.

Good luck whatever you decide xx

FingersXssd83 Fri 05-Apr-19 19:37:46

Sorry don't know why my post came through twice 😊

keepingspiritsup Fri 05-Apr-19 19:38:34

It's so hard to know when enough is enough - especially as you've started to make peace with your decision but he obviously hasn't.
I'm assuming he was with you every step of the way during your losses? Or does he just not "get it" - how emotionally Physically hormonally decimating it is as the woman who has to bear the brunt of fertility treatments and subsequent losses?
I've had a near fatal ruptured ectopic too and afterwards I was so close to saying no more but in the end the thought that this next cycle may be the one that works consumes me. We ll stop when the money runs out (which is enough for 3 full cycles)

Sounds bad but is there a trade off? do one more round but he needs to organise a holiday somewhere you've always dreamed of going for afterwards to recover whatever the outcome? x

keepingspiritsup Fri 05-Apr-19 19:43:33

@FingersXssd83
Do you think you're partner would feel differently if it was donor sperm you might have to use?? I often get the sense that there are a lot more donor egg couples than donor sperm as it's usually the man who doesn't like the idea of having child who isn't biologically related to them?

elasticfantastic Fri 05-Apr-19 21:31:05

He's totally been with me through all of it, he is a brilliant husband, but I think no matter how much he wants to, he'll never understand the constant analysing of your body you do as a woman TTC . Every twinge and pain around the abdomen.. what does it mean? Am I ovulating? Is that implantation? Am I miscarrying? It's sooo draining.

Runner31 Sat 06-Apr-19 08:38:54

I get what you're saying. After 4 years of ttc and then a dermoid cyst which gave me pregnancy symptoms for 6 months and destroyed one of my ovaries I really didn't even want to start ivf. I had made peace that a biological family wasn't in my stars and wanted to pursue foster or adoption. My husband wanted to try IVF so I went along with it. I've hated almost every minute of it. The excitement and hope at the beginning made the crash back to reality after the first miscarriage so much worse. The second cycle ended with BFP only to be negatives 5 days later (the clinic believes there was some implantation). I'm done and thankfully, on the whole, DH gets it. My reason for posting is that I could feel myself starting to blame my husband for how I was feeling on the second cycle and I think if we continued it would jeopardise our relationship. We still have two frozen embryos but they were poor quality and neither of us have any hope for them. I don't think mentally or physically I can do it again but I know he would like to. However, he can seem a difference in me when we aren't doing IVF and so understands the toll it's taking on me. In fact he was the one who noticed a downward change in me when we received our letter from the clinic about starting our second cycle. Maybe you both need more time to talk things through?

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