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Anyone thought about leaving their partner because of infertility??

(15 Posts)
NRW39 Wed 27-Mar-19 12:01:21

I feel terrible even starting this thread, but it's something that is on my mind.

IVF has taken over my life. It's all consuming and leaves you unhappy, yearning and some days miserable.

So, I've not long completed my 2nd cycle. Which resulted in a negative result. I started spotting 2 days before test day, and the spotting turned into bleeding thereafter.

The 1st cycle was a success in terms of getting a positive result, but that ended in a miscarriage at 6 weeks.

I'm turning 40 in a couple of months and I'm just all over the place. This 'thread' I've started may be the result of alot of hormones swirling around my body but I have to release this thought and feeling even if i don't say it out loud.

I'm so confused...

I would really appreciate some responses.

Thanks

GenericHamster Wed 27-Mar-19 12:04:47

Why do you want to leave your partner?

The toll of IVF has made you question your marriage?
You're infertile and want your partner to have children?
One or both of you is infertile/subfertile and your partner is being pushy re. IVF?
Your partner is infertile and you still want the chance to have children?

Infertility is the worst. IVF is awful. If you want to stop you can at any time.

Pinktruffle Wed 27-Mar-19 12:16:40

I know I have told my husband to leave me... I am the one with fertility issues and he deserves to be a dad. He said no. We are continuing to try.
Infertility takes a real toll on relationships. As Generic Hamster said, why do you want to leave him/her? I think answering that question is your starting point

DaisyMay25 Wed 27-Mar-19 12:25:09

@NRW39 I'm so sorry you feel this way.
I have actually had the same thought, I know it's not a nice thought to have. I actually told him as well, because after finding out we need ICSI because of his results he wanted to talk about it before I had processed it.. we've been try for two years and had a miscarriage 18 months ago.
I told him that I don't want it to be just himself and myself for the rest of our lives, he might be happy with that but I wouldn't.
I know a lot of people won't agree with my thoughts on that.

Have you had any counselling OP? I think it might help you sort through things you're feeling

Have you discussed options other than IVF like adoption?

I'm sorry you're going through all of this thanks

NRW39 Wed 27-Mar-19 12:48:34

Thanks for your response ladies.

I don't necessary want to leave him. It is just something that I have thought about.

@GeneticHamster
I want children. We both want children.He already has a child (conceived through IVF years ago) It's sometimes quite hard to watch them together.

He has the fertility issue.

We're self funded and the money we've put into this already is unreal.

We're a strong couple and we've already got through 2 cycles. It's just very hard. With each cycle you become more defeated and less hopeful.

@DaisyMay25
Adoption is not something I want to do. I want the experience of carrying a child, as well as being a mother.

I had counselling after the miscarriage and I am on the waiting list for counselling in connection to my recent unsuccessful cycle

kayakingmum Wed 27-Mar-19 12:53:22

Have you discussed the idea of using a sperm donor?

Viviene Wed 27-Mar-19 12:56:52

I was just typing 'sperm donor' so as pp said - I would consider that instead.

GenericHamster Wed 27-Mar-19 13:33:37

I've been through IVF, OP. Only three times and I had fortunate outcomes, but I do know how awful it is. YANBU to ask yourself difficult questions to take steps to make yourself happier.

I would third the suggestion of a sperm donor. If your partner isn't interested that would leave me with further questions, if I were you.

Sympathies!

crazyfools Wed 27-Mar-19 19:08:13

Did you know of his infertility issues before you got together? If so it's a bit harsh to now be thinking of leaving him?
Also there is no guarantees that it's just his male factor causing your lack of ivf success (it worked before for him right?) - your age could also be a factor and imagine how you would feel if he was thinking about leaving you and if he was thinking he might have more success with a nubile 20 something? You'd be devastated and rightly so
Infertility is hard for everyone and he's probably already feeling so guilty and would be gutted to think you are feeling like this x

NRW39 Thu 28-Mar-19 07:22:42

Wow @crazyfools. That was blunt! - that is by no means a criticism. I did ask for responses, so thank you!

Your message was hard to read this morning and it has definitely made me think.

I started the thread, because I wanted to know if anyone had similar thoughts. I would hate to even say this to my partner. I know he loves me very much, and he does feel sh*t about the situation.

Our plan is try again anyway, I've just been feeling really defeated after having 2 cycles, with different results.

Appreciate you flipping things round...

I absolutely feel differently after reading your message.

GetOffTheRoof Thu 28-Mar-19 07:35:52

My DH is infertile (all of his sperm are immotile). He tried to make me leave him when he found out as he felt he was a disappointment to me. I decided soon after I wanted to spend my life with him with or without children.

We decided not to do IVF, for a multitude of reasons, and looked into donor conception and every other form of getting me pregnant we could think of. I admit I've been devastated at not having that opportunity either. It's taken me years to reconcile to it. I'm 38 btw.

We are several years down the line now and going through adoption. My brother adopted my nephew a few years ago, and we met so many amazing children through their friends from the adoption groups as well, it started to change our minds. The final straw was meeting two beautiful wee girls with their foster family who were being split up because no-one wanted to adopt a sibling pair. It broke my heart, and we applied to an adoption agency that day.

There is no such thing as "just adopt", and it's not supposed to be second best, as if a shop had sold out of your preferred brand of soup. People proffering it as an alternative no doubt mean well, but it's always another kick on the way down. I absolutely understand it.

From my perspective, after several years of sadness this is now giving me hope. I've missed out of pregnancy, but may not miss out on motherhood.

I wish you very well for IVF, its gruelling. I really hope you get a BFP and that things go well. If, sadly, things don't pan out, you need to decide whether you can live without your DH, children, the pregnancy experience or motherhood. I totally understand. flowers

crazyfools Thu 28-Mar-19 08:19:13

@NRW39 sorry if my response seemed blunt i just get so frustrated with a lot of replies on Mumsnet which just seem to write men off - giving advice like get a sperm donor isn't helpful to you or your partner. (Plus from what I've seen men are less likely to want to raise "another mans" child than if it was the other way around and you used donor eggs and his sperm)

I experienced MFI with my DH and I had to question what I would do with my future and I'm also a similar age to you - we've had multiple miscarriages and an ectopic (which was obviously my body letting me down and not his) and never once has he questioned whether my part to play in infertility meant we should try and find more biologically suitable partners. We both approach it that we re in this together otherwise it will never work. You meet someone you fall in love and it shouldn't be conditional on whether children come along or not unless they promised to give you children and then wilfully changed their mind x

StarlightIntheNight Thu 28-Mar-19 11:13:23

Have you thought of donor sperm? If its just your husbands sperm, that is the issue, you could use donor sperm and try it with out doing the IVF? This is less costly and not as difficult as IVF (with all he hormones etc). Also, if it were the other way and I knew a couple, who had donor eggs. So the wife carried the babies (they had twins!) and they used the husbands sperm. She was a little older at 43 and she needed the donor eggs. The twins are now 8 smile

Mistymeow Thu 28-Mar-19 12:07:08

I totally sympathise. We have MFI and I’ve just had my second mmc whilst waiting for ivf. Although I haven’t yet gone through IVF I understand the grief of not having that much longed for baby, and knowing you are putting yourself through a lot of heartache for your partner. I knew about my partner’s condition as soon as we got together, so I’ve had a long time to get used to the idea of struggling to conceive (although the miscarriages completely floored me). For myself, I couldn’t get my head around a sperm donor. I would struggle with the idea that the child was mine and not his, and feel really guilty. My love for him is more than my need for my own biological family, but this is a feeling that grew from the fact I knew of his infertility so early. I haven’t thought about adoption yet but I am considering it, but this is a completely personal choice. The feeling I get from your post is you need some help in working through your feelings, and it’s great you are going to get counselling. I know you are 40 so there is a time pressure there but have you considered taking a few months off and spend time with your partner to recover? It is a really good sign that you conceived, and I know it’s hard to focus on the positives right now but it’s something I’m clinging onto and it gives me hope that we will have our baby one day.

NRW39 Thu 28-Mar-19 16:40:21

Thanks for all your comments and sharing your thoughts with me. It's raised a lot and helped alot too.

Best of luck to everyone on their journeys x

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