How do you cope when everyone around you is starting a family and your heart is breaking?

[MooFeatures]

Just that, really.

I don’t want to be “that friend” who pisses on the bonfire, and I’m really happy for their good news, but I don’t know how to cope.

I can’t see a way forward.

[squirrelnutkins1]

I'm in the same boat. I've not gone to a party tonight cus I don't want to be the only one there without a kid 💔💔💔
Don't have an answer, sorry!

[Rspu3]

Hugs op and everyone feeling like this it is the worst.
I sort of cope by avoiding certain people tbh, I don’t see in laws as much as they ask about kids everytime we see them. I’ve also deleted social media as every day I was seeing announcements. It is isolating but know that you are not alone even when it feels like you are. So many people secretly go through this and nobody would think it x

[Meownow9]

I really struggle with that too. However I've found it's helped a lot to be open with my friends and family about what we're going through - otherwise how can they be sensitive and supportive? Most of them have been really understanding since, and it just helps to take the pressure off or having to put on a front.

The pregnant/mother ones know I'm happy for them but that I find it hard if everyone's talking about it all the time, and that I don't want to be involved in baby activities, etc. Those who might have announcements in the future know not to tell us in person and put us on the spot, which stops us being so nervous at social events and things.

It's still hard though, and I tend to avoid people who don't know about what's going on and might suddenly make an announcement or start asking us annoying or inappropriate nosy questions! But by now most of our close friends and family know, so it's only 'outsiders' we have to worry about. Like my neighbour who's due next week, sigh.

Anyway, it's important to look yourself and protect your feelings. Remember you're the one going through this and none of it is your fault - you're perfectly entitled to feel upset or jealous, and if they're good friends they'll understand.

And as @Rspu3 says, you're not alone, as much as I know it really feels like it sometimes!

[Pleaseletitbeme]

I’ll be completely honest with you.
I’m very bitter. Like really ugly bitter.
On the outside I’m all sweet and nice but it’s only an act....
I can’t help it. I’m never nasty and always supportive to everyone who has had success.... but inside I have the bitterness of a thousand lemons.

[Neome]

I have an incredibly powerful memories of the heartbroken feeling you describe. It doesn't feel appropriate to tell my personal story on this thread but I couldn't pass by without sending a virtual hand squeeze to all affected. X

[smarty14]

Its so hard!
Feel like everyone on my fb is making announcements. Went to a party last night and babies everywhere
And a friend had twins a couple of wks ago and i am genuinely so happy for her as she and her partner were both told they weren't able to have kids then got preg with twins naturally
But i see babies everywhere and just want a baby so bad!

[Pinkroseuk]

Know exactly how u feel op. Friends told us today there due August - pregnant on first month then asked were we thinking of tryouts by soon. Didn't have the heart to say we had been for two years so said maybe next year :/ xz

[Honeyroar]

It heart breaking, you're right. I remember it well. I used to smile and congratulate on the outside, then go home and cry. It seemed to go on for years too, some of my friends had kids really late (one at 46, when I thought it was all over). I had two other friends that couldn't have children too, we used to talk about it to each other, get ourselves through tough times.

[Whatdoingmummy]

I'm in the same boat. In the 3 years we have been TTC 4 of my close friends have had babies & 1 have started and finished the adoption process. I love them all so much but I can be so bitter inside, I hate myself for it. I cry when I see people on FB announcing pregnancies too :( Its hell.
I have a colleague who started trying this month, she felt sick ONE MORNING & has banged on about maybe being pregnant, I wanted to scream "Fuck off" in her face so badly. TTC is delightful:(

[Ruthyroo81]

It's so difficult to deal with! On the outside I'm smiling and hugging my friends congratulating them, and on the inside I'm dying and can't wait to leave them in the happy state so I can go home and have a good scream and cry!

[RyvitaBrevis]

It's so tough, isn't it. I'm genuinely impressed with all you ladies who are putting on a good show! Good work! I would not win an Oscar for my current performance. The pregnant ladies of my acquaintances are all guilty and awkward around me despite my efforts, and they're not officially supposed to know about my fertility woes. In theory I don't want anyone to feel they can't celebrate something so massive and joyful around me but in practice I can't take much of it at all.

Adorable well-behaved children are the worst for the pangs, and I seem to be seeing them everywhere. Where are all the tearaways?

[smarty14]

@RyvitaBrevis i totally get you there is babies everywhere i go!!!
Doesn't help my job is in childcare also!!

[ellesbellesxxx]

Sending

I remember it all too well... so many times thinking when will it be our turn? Why not me? Not so much closefamily and friends as I genuinely love their children and I knew their own journeys but work was the worst for being baby bombed!
Don’t even start me on baby showers... even now I hate them!

[RoxyP]

It's so comforting to know other people feel like this, I thought I was just a bitter weirdo. My best friend is 6 months pregnant, it hurts so much when I see pics of her with her bump. Iv got to go to her baby shower soon and no idea how I'm going to cope, does anyone have any advice?

[Kitty2017]

Such a relief to feel I'm not alone in having these feelings!
Being jealous and bitter are traits I thought were horrendous before, now after TTC for 2 years it's a regular occurrence!
Unfortunately I avoid baby showers and have removed myself from social media to try and stop unnecessary hurt to myself!

Can be extremely isolating, I've coped by staying close to a few friends who know everything and am lucky enough to have 3 sisters who never judge if I'm having a bad day!!

Love to you all xx

[squirrelnutkins1]

I've made my excuses not to attend a friends shower next week. Feel guilty but I just can't face it 😕

[WFTisgoingoninmyhead]

Oh OP, I remember this feeling so well. I would firstly make sure I was open and honest about my struggles and your real friends will be far more sensitive and understanding. Don’t avoid poeple with babies or baby talk and ask your friends to never exclude you but to understand if you are just not feeling it at that time. Trust me when I say it will happen for you and use this time to work out what sort of a parent you want to be (and what sort you don’t!) You won’t be able to help being judgmental of others parenting skills, but keep that to yourself. Relax in your TTC journey, I hope it happens sooner rather than later.💐

[PurpleDaisies]

Trust me when I say it will happen for you

You can’t possibly know that. It’s a totally unhelpful thing to say.

Relax in your TTC journey

[PurpleDaisies]

I’ve got to go to her baby shower soon and no idea how I'm going to cope, does anyone have any advice?

I’d cone down with a vomiting bug and send a card/lovely present instead. There’s nothing wrong with looking after yourself in those situations. Since she’s your best friend, you could explain that it’s too difficult and she should understand.

[Anaesthetist83]

I have deleted social media. I’ve also excused myself from some baby showers (don’t feel guilty - you have to do what is right for you). I have told quite a few people that we are struggling and I think this helped

[RoxyP]

Thank you @PurpleDaisies your right, I was going to go and try and be strong but it's just torturing myself! And yes social medial deleted def the way forward!

[squirrelnutkins1]

Trust me when I say it will happen for you

You can’t possibly know that. It’s a totally unhelpful thing to say.

Relax in your TTC journey



These replies 👍🏻. The poster was probably trying to be helpful and kind but you don't know that it will happen and relaxing isn't the magic potion!!!

[JeNeBaguetteRien]

@WTFisgoingoninmyhead it might not happen for some of us. And being told to relax is up there with the most patronising infertility bingo advice.
I'm sure it's not your intention but those phrases really jar.

To others struggling, do what works for you. Avoid baby showers, unfollow or hide people on social media (especially 3 months after their fucking weddings!!)

I tend not to talk to people about infertility except for some fabulous friends I met here. Tbh I can't take the pity and the platitudes from some people! Or the 'just adopt'.
I do a very good job of hiding my feelings around bumps but it takes a lot of effort, then let it all out at home, alone or with DH.
To all of you feeling this way. 💐

[Pinktruffle]

I am so bitter with other people's pregnancies that I've actually surprised myself, I thought I was better than that, turns out I'm not.