Donor egg, donor sperm

(33 Posts)
Bigdreams Mon 18-Feb-19 06:56:39

I'm single, infertile 37.
Is IVF donor egg, donor sperm a possibility for me on the nhs? I have a consultant app for my condition in July so will broach referral then but just wanted to do some research before then. The nhs site wasn't clear for solo people.

If anyone is doing this route can you talk me through the process.
I'm worried about the amount of time for appointments and feeling ill on the medications. I have a tough job which I'd need to keep to raise baby.

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mariethecat Mon 18-Feb-19 08:05:23

I don't think it is on the NHS as your have to have tried about 12 cycles of IUI before you are eligible.....

This might sound awful but I guess I've always wondered - wouldn't you worry about what effect this would have on a child - how they might feel never knowing either of their biological parents in a situation where you are using donor egg and sperm?

Good luck in your journey x

Bigdreams Mon 18-Feb-19 18:01:31

I guess I'm destined to be childless because I've been dealt shit cards. Hardly right is it?

Mariethecat - I would be their parent. Maybe that shouldn't count because I can't actually get pregnant naturally. Only people who are lucky should be parents then.

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todayiwin Mon 18-Feb-19 18:17:19

I don't think NHS would find this. Why don't you explore privately?

My friend did sperm donor at 42 and single. Never been happier.

I wish you luck thanks

For what it's worth to the PP I have a son who's father wants zero interest, never met him and he's 6. The questions have started about "where is my Daddy?" There are so many different "families" these days, I honestly don't think it matters, as long as a child is loved and wanted, who cares if they are not biological or have a mummy and daddy actively involved?

todayiwin Mon 18-Feb-19 18:17:35

Would fund not find!

HavelockVetinari Mon 18-Feb-19 18:19:37

Definitely not available on the NHS I'm afraid. Infertility is shit, I know, but the NHS can't fund everything. Infertility treatment for single people isn't a priority.

Bigdreams Mon 18-Feb-19 18:31:24

I feel like I'm being penalised for being single and for being infertile. How is that fair?

There is no way I could afford private treatment.

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IPokeBadgers Mon 18-Feb-19 18:35:48

Unfortunately life's not fair. And infertility is shit. You are not being penalised. It's a resources issue. It is utterly shit though.

Bigdreams Mon 18-Feb-19 18:36:40

But I am Badgers. Someone who wasn't single would be covered at my age.

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mariethecat Mon 18-Feb-19 18:42:06

Unfortunately the NHS can't fund everything and prioritise those who are medically in need - being single is not a medical condition - they're are lots of funding options these days for IVF and interest free loans and ivf is much cheaper abroad

Bigdreams Mon 18-Feb-19 18:55:17

I understand they can't find everything. I just hope no one else ever finds themself in my position as I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

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todayiwin Mon 18-Feb-19 19:15:56

What about adoption or fostering? You are not dismissed because you are single.

Bigdreams Mon 18-Feb-19 19:20:06

If I had a pound for every time someone said adopt or foster, I'd be rich. It's not the same thing at all.

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TaimaandRanyasBestFriend Mon 18-Feb-19 19:30:36

If I had a pound for every time someone said adopt or foster, I'd be rich. It's not the same thing at all.

But you're wanting a child that's not genetically yours anyway? Don't see why the NHS should fund this at all. SMH. Borrow money and have the treatment abroad.

DinoMamasaurus Mon 18-Feb-19 19:31:39

I honestly don’t know but there are a couple of news stories that come up for single person IVF on NHS. If your condition means you can’t fall pg even if you had a partner and also therefore couldn’t try IUI then ask, apply, question the decision and who makes the decision and have a good old go at making enough noise to get someone important to listen. If you are up for trying to fight that is - but try to keep all your other options in mind as clearly this would be the exception rather than the norm (indeed I think to suceed you would need to show exploration of other options). Resources are limited and sadly there is funding for everything for everyone but that being said if it’s happened before there’s some precedent and why not for you. Got nothing to lose by shaking the tree as hard as possible as it were.

JeNeBaguetteRien Mon 18-Feb-19 19:39:53

But you're wanting a child that's not genetically yours anyway? Don't see why the NHS should fund this at all. SMH. Borrow money and have the treatment abroad.

Fostering and adoption are not about finding children for adults who want them. It's about finding adults or couples equipped to help children who may have had a traumatic start in life, possibly with additional needs and attachment issues.

That's why it's not necessarily a solution to infertility and it's quite hurtful to hear that proposed repeatedly.

OP if you do have a medical condition that precludes using your own eggs at all then make enquiries of your CCG.
If no fertility treatment is available perhaps some counselling might be funded to help you through.

I know fertility treatment is expensive, and can be prohibitively so.

Hope you can find a way forward. 💐

Bigdreams Mon 18-Feb-19 19:46:39

It's not about genetics. Genetics or not, adoption or fostering are COMPLETELY different to IVF.

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Bigdreams Mon 18-Feb-19 19:47:14

JeNeBaguetteRien Thank you.

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todayiwin Mon 18-Feb-19 19:50:55

I do get that OP, it was just a suggestion. I do understand, had I not fallen pregnant the way I did I would 100% gone down the IVF path as a single person.

How old are you?

Bigdreams Mon 18-Feb-19 19:55:28

I'm 37

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MyDcAreMarvel Mon 18-Feb-19 19:58:55

Why do you need donor eggs, how do you know you are infertile?

Bigdreams Mon 18-Feb-19 20:02:36

Because I know Marvel. I'd rather not go into my medical conditions.

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WhatNow40 Mon 18-Feb-19 20:14:02

OP - if you were single but without fertility issues, how would you plan to conceive? would you need donor sperm and IVF anyway? It's tough, but this is the hand you've been dealt. Perhaps if you met someone and were in a relationship for more than 12 months, then I can't see why you wouldn't be eligible for NHS funding. Provided you were still under 40. Check your local policy as it varies.

I have infertility, and have also become sick to death of the whole foster/adopt thing. It's not the booby prize or safety net for those who want to be parents. Becoming a foster parent is very different to adopting even.

Knowing you will be a single parent, needing to continue full time work after may leave, is not a barrier to adoption. But it's a bloody big problem, and would rule you out for many different children who would need more support. If they have signs of
attachment disorder and so on, you need to be able to flex to their needs. If you know it's not right for you, then that's great.

Don't let other peoples ignorance bully you in to feeling dismissive of this route to becoming a parent. You've investigated it, thought it through and decided it's not for you. Better that then break down a placement because it's not working out.

I hope you manage to find a way through this. thanks

AniSL Mon 18-Feb-19 20:16:10

How the eff does a man who has just recently had a sex change to become a man, get a sperm donor and IVF funded treatment to become a mother! Yet a single woman who is unable to conceive can't?

OP infertility is crap and if you have love to give a child that is not biologically yours well then all to you. You dont have to have a biological child to be a mother. The fact is you will be carrying him or her for 9 months and giving them your heart and soul. DH and I had a convo after he was told 0% chance of a biological child, he said it didn't matter, the child would be his anyway.

Bigdreams Mon 18-Feb-19 20:16:56

Something I wrote a few weeks ago:

My world is a very different world to yours.
You chose your children's names out at 8 years old and actually got to use them or at least giggle at how ludicrous they once were. I just get told adopt or foster, they'd be a lucky child. Except I'm not a lucky person. Other people get to experience the rush of excitement or nervousness at a pregnancy test. I've never even held that little piece of plastic that could change my world. My world is small and gets smaller as friends with children seek other friends with children. I pass baby clothes in the shops that I can't buy. Adopt or foster they keep saying. It's not that simple I say. That path is not straightforward. I've seen the effect on children who have been through that system, I've taught them and witnessed what damage it can cause. I'd be damaged by the process. I feel damaged anyway. This world is designed for couples and families. This world isn't designed for me. I try to explain how I feel and everyone just seems to have an answer. Just adopt they say, as if it's that easy. A thousand times I've heard that, a thousand times I've cried afterwards. I just want people to see this situation is cruel. I'm single and I feel like that is treated like a contagious illness by society, to be avoided at all costs. Infertility tops off my singledom. No hope in this world for me. Friendships dwindle as they all become mothers and mother and baby groups outweigh old friendships. I'm never asked to things with children because heaven forbid a childless person could actually enjoy time with a child. My world, my future and my life is small. Just adopt they say day after day after day.

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