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Is it normal to be going through this with no hope?

(15 Posts)
DontCareBear Mon 11-Feb-19 21:54:07

Hi guys,

Not a sad post (well not really sad anyway!) but I just wanted to know if anybody went into their first IVF cycle with no hope? I normally see people are still optimistic as it is the first cycle and maybe they will be that lucky couple that conceive first time around. But I dont feel like this. I have kind of accepted my life is most likely not going to involve children of my own and if it does happen then it will be a lucky surprise. I am about to spend about 4K on IVF and I dont even feel hopeful that it will work. I almost feel relieved to be in the last stages of trying so I can get my life back after the whole thing (so basically assuming IVF will fail (twice as thats the most we can afford). Does anybody else feel this way? I feel a bit bad as I feel like I am going into this with the wrong attitude but I cant help it. I dont do well with disappointment so I have kinda made myself believe this is it now. confused

squirrelnutkins1 Mon 11-Feb-19 22:46:02

Didn't want to read and run. We're not quite at ivf yet (may well be in the next few months) but I do know what the no hope and 'it'll never happen' feels like.
I was thinking this morning I'd just like a magic sign to tell me if I'll ever have kids and if the answers no I could try and move on with my life.
On the other hand, I don't want this whole process to be totally miserable.
So hard isn't it.
Big hugs and positive thoughts coming your way xxx

ValentineFizz Mon 11-Feb-19 22:53:23

In all honesty I felt a bit like this going into 1st cycle and it was negative, however I felt more positive (quietly confident?) going into 2nd cycle and it worked - DC is asleep upstairs just now. I think I was looking at it as needing to get the first cycle out of the way, so I was almost relieved when it was. I went through the process and it all felt very transactional. Second time I felt mostly the same but for some reason just slightly more optimistic. Good luck to you OP flowers

RyvitaBrevis Mon 11-Feb-19 23:16:49

Yes, I just had this conversation with my OH on the weekend . . . . it feels a bit wrong to have this attitude as you say. For me it feels like we're almost going through the motions of IVF so that in the future we can say we tried everything. But maybe it's a sensible way of dealing with the fact that the odds are not amazing. It has to be healthy to be starting to accept that things have not turned out as planned!

I'm putting my hope in the idea that whatever happens, I can have a good, full life with meaning and value and can be a blessing to others in various ways. And I'm trying not to feel like I'm killing time before moving on. But it's hard.

Anyway, hang in there and don't feel bad about trying to stay off the emotional rollercoaster as much as possible! xx

Crazyeyes3 Tue 12-Feb-19 06:00:21

After 3 years of trying I had become very negative to the idea that we would ever become parents.
I was very matter of fact through my first cycle and was preparing myself for having to find the money for more treatment. It worked first time and I was so shocked when I got a bfp. I had even tested early without my dh knowing so I could practice what to say when I told him it was negative.
I am now 22 weeks and still in quite a bit of disbelief that it is happening.
I wish you all the best and it just goes to show that having a positive attitude has jack all to do with it working or not.

Dreamsofnr2 Tue 12-Feb-19 07:34:03

I'm very much the same - the last few years has completely taken away what should be such a special time trying for a baby but we've had 3 miscarriages and a near fatal ectopic. I feel like I've been cheated in that whenever I get a BFP I feel terror and can't allow myself to be excited as it always ends in such disappointment.
Like you sometimes I feel like doing IVF is just to say that we tried everything. But I'm more scared of the day that we say no more and try and move on with our lives x

FancyPantsMcGhee Tue 12-Feb-19 07:37:44

Yes it is normal. I had no hope that it would work at all. It was a self-protection mechanism. If I didn't have hope, it couldn't be dashed. I had had hope every month for 4 years beforehand. I couldn't take any more hoping. I was almost looking forward to closing the door on that chapter of my life, knowing I had tried everything.

Lala503 Tue 12-Feb-19 07:59:39

I felt that way too. I remember when one of the girls working on reception at the clinic said very matter of factly (halfway through my first/only cycle) "Well if everything goes to plan, you'll be having the baby next May".

Ridiculous as it sounds, that shocked me as I hadn't even gone there in my head. In my mind all these blood tests and injections were just something to go through- my punishment if you like, for not being able to get pregnant.

Looking back I think it is self preservation. And despite my negativity- it worked grin

DontCareBear Tue 12-Feb-19 08:20:32

Thanks everyone - it is good to know I am not the only one feeling like this. It has also been a bit of a tough day yesterday as a friend of mine and his fiance just welcomed a baby boy into the world yesterday and a couple of hours later my sis sent me a 3D scan of her baby (she is about 6 months now). I admit I felt a bit sorry for myself but was actually glad that my first thoughts for them was just how lucky they are rather than the usual "I dont want to know" anf jealousy. Maybe I am really turning a corner? I cant talk to my husband about these feelings either as he is in a much better place and is feeling extremely optimistic about IVF. He , like some many others that havent really looked into it, thinks the chances of success are much higher than they really are.

Congratulations @Lala503 @Crazyeyes3 @ ValentineFizz - I am so happy it worked out for you guys and all the crap we have to go through was worth it!

@Squirrelnutkins1 hi and thanks for replying to one of my posts again! Sometimes I feel like I am just moaning about the same things over and over again so thanks for putting up with me haha! Also hope you manage to avoid the next step and get lucky in the next few months!

@RyvitaBrevis @FancyPantsMcGhee @Dreamsofnr2 thanks for your replies too. Hopefully it will work for us no hoper negative nancies too grin

physicskate Tue 12-Feb-19 08:50:11

I had a three cycle plan - what I was going to do differently and where each cycle was going to be. And then we would stop, rent out the house and travel for a year. I was actually quite looking forward to travelling. Well, first cycle worked, so no travelling for us. I'm still pretty shocked that my daughter is due in just over three weeks. Never in a million years did I think it would work. It was a practice for he next two rounds....

You're normal to have these feelings.

RyvitaBrevis Tue 12-Feb-19 08:58:42

Thanks @DontCareBear! grin

DontCareBear Tue 12-Feb-19 12:23:02

Thanks @physicskate - glad to hear it worked out for you! Only time will tell with the rest of us I suppose wink

sillysmiles Tue 12-Feb-19 15:54:31

I think it perfectly normal to protect yourself and your emotions by expecting the worst.

EarlGreyT Tue 12-Feb-19 19:21:06

I don’t know if it is normal, but this is very much how I felt. It makes you feel even more alone and isolated though.

I think the most alone I felt in the process was when I went on a popular fertility website (of which the second word is friends!) and everyone in there seemed to be so positive and optimistic which worlds apart from how I felt. I remember being quite upset by the thought that people who I thought would understand actually sounded like they were a million miles from where I was. I didn’t think I could post anything about this anywhere either as I didn’t want to piss on everyone else’s chips when they were all so full of hope. It’s also one of the reasons I have never joined a cycle buddies thread as I was absolutely convinced that everyone else would have success and that would make me feel even more hopeless.

I don’t know what the answer is and don’t think there is anything anyone can say to make you feel better, but you’re definitely not alone.

Hevz2121 Tue 12-Feb-19 19:31:47

I don’t think you have any control over feeling dis hearted about this situation do you? Why would you feel optimistic when the first round failed I think it’s completely normal chick I’ve watched my sister go through it and the process is hardly appealing aha it was terrible on her body and it too failed which made her loose hope and stop trying which is a shame so if you have the motivation to put yourself through again after that then doing a good job at motivating yourself for what you want hunny! Go you! I went through fertility treatment and whimped out of the ivf purely because of the process haha so don’t worry about feeling pessimistic because your definitely brave in my book if nothing else ! Good luck x

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