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Awkward questions / comments from people when you're going through infertility

(16 Posts)
orangefolly Thu 07-Feb-19 18:00:53

I'm 37, currently between IVF rounds and recently had a second miscarriage. I'm feeling a bit tender and worried about my prospects for having a baby. Just went for a smear test, and she brightly said, "oh I didn't check your age. Are you still having periods?"

I died inside a bit and told her about my miscarriage when she was asking about LMP. She goes on to cheerfully tell me that she knows a woman who was 54 and had a baby, so I'll probably be fine.

Way to make me feel ancient! Since my MC I've had a terrible breakout of spots. And now I can add 'looks menopausal' to the list! Can you console me with similar tales of insensitivity from HCPs / people who should know better?

IndianaMoleWoman Thu 07-Feb-19 18:05:28

It took us two years to conceive, then I miscarried at 12 weeks. Eight weeks later, on my birthday, I had just about pulled myself together when I got an angry phone call from a midwife asking why I’d not attended my 20 week scan. She didn’t even apologise when I told her why and just said she’s take me off their list and put the phone down.

LillyLeaf Thu 07-Feb-19 18:10:09

My close friend tries to make me feel better about TTC & IVF by saying 'you'll be fine, you haven't been trying that long'. I been trying when she was trying, when she was pregnant and when her baby is 7 months old...I'm still trying. No, no time at all.

CCS83 Thu 07-Feb-19 20:02:40

I’ve had so many insensitive comments I can’t remember them all!
I just had EC last week following our first round of IVF (after 3 miscarriages and a near fatal ruptured ectopic) my sister messaged me in the evening to say she hadn’t been in touch because she had had a “nightmare” couple of weeks because she has a stomach bug wow cos that’s so much harder than going through IVF and OHSS 😬

ChildlessPodcaster Fri 08-Feb-19 08:31:52

Hi ladies- I have been through six years of infertility and miscarriages and I have heard it all! From “you just need to be more positive and picture the sperm meeting the egg!” To “are you sure you wanted it badly enough?” And of course the pain of hearing others are having happy and successful pregnancies! If folks haven’t been through it themselves, they just won’t understand how painful their comments can be. Hang in there. You aren’t alone!

melissa1215 Fri 08-Feb-19 10:36:59

"Oh, thought you were meant to be the healthy one" by a former friend when my first round of ivf failed

"It's just nature" not really insensitive but not something I'd want to hear when I'm doing everything I possibly can

FingersXssd83 Fri 08-Feb-19 18:13:27

While opening my heart about what I'd been going through and balling my eyes out, my mum said 'oh well, you an always buy a baby from China'.

Haven't seen much of her since.

sandytoes84 Sat 09-Feb-19 12:20:48

7 years so I’ve pretty much heard it all but one that really surprised me (and I know this comes from a place of kindness, but still) is sister/friends offering to be a surrogate! Which would make absolutely no difference in my situation anyway, but they seem to want to be the saviour!

AnneLovesGilbert Sat 09-Feb-19 12:27:00

As I was being wheeled out of theatre after an MVA for a MMC at 12 weeks and was bawling, the nurse asked me if I had any children. I said no, we were trying and I’d literally just lost one. She said “oh dear, you can try again, what are your plans for Christmas?!” I put the sheet over my face and sobbed quietly. Otherwise I’ve been pretty lucky with lovely empathetic care but that was a bit rough.

toomanypillows Sat 09-Feb-19 12:32:17

We spent 10 years TTC. The amount of people who feel qualified to comment is staggering isn't it? I remember being particularly hurt by DH's cousin telling me it was nature's way of telling me I was meant to be a parent. Thanks!
She had four children. Same person a few years later, on her son's birthday, spent ages telling me about how special it was for mothers to celebrate their kids birthdays because it is an anniversary for the mum too. This was when we had just had a second failed round of IVF. I don't really see her much any more.

There were millions, but those two stung.

We countered the "why don't you just adopt" suggestions by actually adopting 😂😂
Best thing ever

toomanypillows Sat 09-Feb-19 12:33:19

DH's cousin telling me I WASN'T* meant to be a parent. Not was!! 🙄

MissConductUS Sat 09-Feb-19 12:33:48

My worst incident when I was TTC with fertility drugs had to do with a nosy old cow woman at my church who keep spreading rumors that I was pregnant when I wasn't. This naturally lead to loads of people congratulating me on my non-existent pregnancy, which was a lovely thing to deal with.

2fingers22018 Sun 17-Feb-19 13:20:04

Sometimes its what ppl dnt say that hurts the most not asking how ur copin etc just acting as if nothings happening. I understand its awkward but i genuinely dont think they realise its the 1st thing you think bout in the morning and your last thought at nite.

MrsC18 Sun 17-Feb-19 13:37:50

Had extra bloods this week at the clinic to look at implantation issues. HCA shouts across the waiting room to a colleague that I'm a difficult bleeder and for the miscarriage bloods so could she do it. I'm fortunate enough to have never had a miscarriage, just 3 consecutive failure of treatment but was mortified and having that info broadcast.

I think this stuff is just routine for them, and it's forgotten that we're just people having an awful time trying to achieve what others do by accident

2fingers22018 Sun 17-Feb-19 13:58:32

@MrsC18 i hope you complained about them thats a total breach of patient confidentiallity. Ive never had a nurse/doctor say anything bad but i really dont like my consultant shes very abrupt and uncaring i think shes became very out of touch with peoples emotions.

Scottish80 Sun 17-Feb-19 22:40:59

Oh dear! Some of those comments I’ve heard myself 🤦🏼‍♀️

The most gutting one to date was from my sister who has recently had a wee boy and using her maternity leave to be an expert on fertility thanks to watching This Morning..”you know your probably just not having enough sex. The fertility expert on This Morning said like your situation (unexplained infertility) is because couples only have sex when they think they are ovulating so it sounds like your doing it at the wrong time” she said one Sunday afternoon at mums while all 3 of my sisters and their older kids were sitting on their phones.
Then she later said “IVF is exciting, Least you have a chance at Twinnies!” Yes..20 fucking percent of any hope of pregnancy would make anyone excited 🙄

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