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Struggling coming to terms with needing help

(5 Posts)
worldwidewebuser Tue 29-Jan-19 07:33:23

DH and I will need IVF when the time comes.

I feel like I am in a state of grieving. It's going to be a long road I think.

I am trying my best to come to terms with it, but I am struggling. We ideally would love a large ish family. It's always been my dream. But I feel like I need to let this dream go. I need to think realistically, which means hoping for even just one child.

I'm also grieving that we will not be able to go down the natural route to conceiving. I get this "it's not fair" feeling. I just wish we could decide "ok we're ready now", and just crack on with it. But instead, it will a long and frustrating road, that may not even result in a child in the end.

Don't know what I'm looking for here, just felt like I needed to write it down for the first time.. I have not told any family or friends about our situation.

VenusStarr Tue 29-Jan-19 08:44:09

I'm so sorry you're in this situation @worldwidewebuser. I am in a similar situation at the moment, although we don't know if we need ivf but likely to need help to conceive. I really struggled, particularly over the last 3 months.

I've just started counselling and I think it helps to talk to someone unrelated. My sister knows a bit but she doesn't fully get it as she has children and sometimes doesn't say the right thing and has been unintentionally insensitive.

It really hurts. I've tried to focus on myself and have been walking everyday, giving myself some time. Its still there and it's not going away but I'm not as consumed as I was by it.

How you're feeling is normal (well it's similar to me) so you're not alone. I've been listening to podcasts like long road to baby and big fat negative and hearing other people's experiences, although different to mine has helped. There's good support on here too. I post a lot on here but also try to have times when I'm not thinking about it.

Sending best wishes x

worldwidewebuser Tue 29-Jan-19 10:51:04

@VenusStarr thank you for your lovely reply. thanks

Yeah I think counseling is a great idea. I think I will definitely be looking in to that in the near future.

I am just not ready to talk to family or friends about it yet. And I am struggling to even talk to DH about it, even though we usually talk about everything and he's amazing. It is just so heartbreaking really. We have obviously had a few conversations about it, but we both just get so upset, so it's hard to broach the subject sometimes.

Podcasts are a great idea, I'll give them a look!

I know what you mean about your sister not quite understanding. People close to me are at the stage now where they are TTC, and I get frustrated. I obviously want the best for them all, but it just hurts that they get the "easy" route. I know my feelings are irrational, and I try not to dwell on it.

Mol5 Tue 29-Jan-19 13:47:02

Hey OP.. i'm so sorry to hear how you're feeling which is all too familiar to all of us in this infertility thread I think.

My husband and I are now nearly 4 years in to TTC and received heartbreaking diagnosis along the way that we would need IVF. I fought it for this long desperate to conceive naturally but one day just found acceptance in a different route to motherhood and proceeded to treatment.

I too exactly felt how you did that I have been robbed of that chapter of my life, of the happy home pregnancy tests, of the exciting times and it was replaced with sterile, gloom and grief at "what if" "what could have been" and "what will never be".

However, if it's any consolation as the years have passed we have found some excitement and happiness in our non conventional route to parenthood. We are about to begin IVF which is a miracle in itself and also found our minds have opened to many other routes to parenthood which have helped us not feel so robbed.

Ultimately, although it hurts like hell now it will become your norm eventually and you will hopefully find happiness again in the other routes available to you whatever you may chose.

I always think to myself, when I eventually have my baby, I couldn't care less when/where/or how they got here and none of it will matter anymore x

worldwidewebuser Tue 29-Jan-19 15:08:50

@Mol5 what a lovely message, thank you! thanks

I really appreciate your comments about finding it your new normal, and finding happiness and excitement along the way!! It has really stood out to me, and i will try to adopt an approach like this over time as well thanks

My husband and I aren't starting any of the process yet, which I think might be a good thing really, as we get a bit more time to process our emotions. But it is hard to figure out when to actually start. As it's such a long process, I am wondering if we should be starting pretty soon! Again, it's frustrating not just being able to "start trying" at a moments notice. But, I am trying to accept this!

Thank you for sharing your story, and I wish you all the best in your journey!! smile it's so nice to hear from other people in this journey as well. I feel a little clueless and overwhelmed at the moment, but mumsnet is a great place to start winkthanks

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