IVF - did you tell people you were doing it?

(30 Posts)
DontCareBear Fri 18-Jan-19 00:03:35

Hi all,

Hope everyone is well and moving along nicely at whatever stages you are at, as there are so many!

My husband and I have decided we will start IVF this year. I just don't know who to tell though. I feel a bit out of order not telling my mum and my husband's parents that we are going for it. But at the same time, I dont want them to be continously asking how it is all going and putting pressure on us announcing whether it worked or not. I never wanted it to be like this, family waiting around and expecting an announcement. It was meant to be a lovely surprise announcement.

I feel so angry that I dont get to enjoy those small pleasures that come with falling pregnant naturally and nobody knowing you were trying all this time. I feel like if I tell people I am really kissing goodbye to the last opportunity to announce a surprise pregnancy and enjoy breaking the good news to people in the way that it always should have been announced.

Anyway, I am probably ranting and this makes no sense but did you guys tell your immediate families or kept it between yourselves until you knew whether the first cycle worked or not?

Did you regret telling people if you did? Dis you regret not telling people if you didnt?

I should also say that another reason I dont want to tell my mum in particular is because she always takes bad news really badly and can add more stress to a situation. This will play on her mind all the time, especially since my older sis is now 5 months pregnant after not even trying (she is a lucky first time we stopped using contraception type). I am assuming it is not a good idea to have IVF treatment with people around you that create more stress? Does stress effect chances of success?

So what do you all think?

Thanks and sorry for the long post!

OP’s posts: |
Nixwix Fri 18-Jan-19 00:51:50

I started IVF in early Jan and decided to not tell anyone about it. I had months ago introduced the idea to my in laws and parents but didn't talk about it after. I was so tempted to tell my mum or my best friend but we decided it was for our own mental peace that we we were better off not telling anyone and going through this process as a couple, without the questions or the added pressure of keeping anyone informed. For all I know, it could be all a fail and I'll feel worse for raising hopes if that makes sense. And I am really glad we did that. It's given us a lot more clarity about this process and taken that pressure off meeting expectations!

It's a difficult choice but whatever you do make sure you put yourself first smile

physicskate Fri 18-Jan-19 02:55:44

I had no more fucks to give about what other people thought. If they asked what I was up to or whatever, I was (brutally) honest. I don't regret it. It's a taboo subject and barriers needed breaking. It's not like I was embarrassed,..

It would have been more difficult had it not worked. But I was never specific about when it was happening, just that we were preparing for it. It happened to miraculously work for us first time. But I'd wanted people to know why I was a shell of a person and a wreck of a human being for the year or so before... but I'm generally a pretty open person and I would have needed some support if the cycle had failed (which I was fully expecting it to).

fabulous01 Fri 18-Jan-19 03:30:58

6 x ivf
Close family knew we were doing it but not details
No one at work knew
Good luck with your journey. I have 4 year old miracle twins. Be kind to yourself as it isn't an easy route x

Crazyeyes3 Fri 18-Jan-19 05:56:25

We didn’t tell anyone apart from my best friend and a couple of my work colleagues. I am very close to my mum so it was hard not to but I couldn’t have dealt with the added pressure.
It worked 1st time and I am now 18 weeks and I have been very open with people about needing to have IVF. I still got to tell my mum as a surprise announcement and there were a lot of tears from both of us.
I wish you all the best. It really is a tough thing to go through so take care of each other x

AniSL Fri 18-Jan-19 06:56:16

I only told my best friend, who happens to work with me, she knew what I was going through so kept an eye on me at work. I also told my SIL who was at the beginning massively supportive but then came the constant questions and hurry up and do it moments, dont regret telling her as I wanted someone in the family understanding why I couldn't do certain stuff. My DH just went and told every person he could which really effed me off as I felt sort of violated and am still pissed off to this day. The peoole he told also told their brothers/sisters and kids! No words to describe how pissed off it made me and ultimately caused me more stress - a bih no no in IVF

Hopeful16 Fri 18-Jan-19 07:12:16

I have 2 IVF babies (2y and 7weeks) from one fresh and one frozen cycles.

The first time we told both sets of parents and our best friends as our lifestyle changed a bit with regards drinking and having to be "at home" for injections at the same time every evening, etc. My parents asked lots about the process but his parents didn't ask anything- it was a bit like the elephant in the room.

The second time we only told my parents and probably wouldn't have done that if we hadn't needed childcare for appointments. We were convinced that we couldn't be lucky enough to have a second so didn't really want to share - but we were.

Now I'll talk to anyone about it really- think it needs talking about more. People are quite often surprised but then curious to ask lots of questions- which I always answer honestly.

Try to stay relaxed but don't worry too much- we had a bit of stress during our second cycle as our little girl was quite poorly but it was fine and didn't effect my chances.

Fingers crossed for you.

highheelsandheadheldhigh Fri 18-Jan-19 07:20:18

I'm in the throws of it now - heading to transfer. I told my mum and sis as they are both medics. Plus I needed the support as was extremely stressed (external pressure) and nearly stopped. They only talk about it when I bring it up, it's good to know they are there for me if needed.
Haven't told work, mans world and I was gunning to get a promotion and I didn't want that to be a factor (which has now happened) I'm lucky that I can sometimes go 'missing' and not have to explain myself ....

highheelsandheadheldhigh Fri 18-Jan-19 07:21:17

Btw - good luck and what ever you decide will be right for you !

fabulous01 Fri 18-Jan-19 07:40:19

I should have said I tell people that my twins were ivf and I have been asked for advice lots of times
Make sure you get support. I found fertility friends website invaluable with Rhys and research
Good luck to you and other posters who are currently in their journey

DontCareBear Fri 18-Jan-19 08:49:43

Thanks so much everyone! I think, for peace of mind and my own sanity, we will keep it between ourselves and only tell after we find out if it worked or not (fingers crossed we are one of those super lucky people that it works first time for! But I know the odds are against us so I am going in with my eyes wide open).

I will definitely check out the websites mentioned too.

Just so I know what I am letting myself in for - what is the worst part about the IVF process? Do you get hormonal? Is it painful? Can you travel while on treatment? As I wont be telling work either, is it easy enough to hide when on the job?

I confess I know NOTHING about the process and agree there needs to be more awareness out there and after our journey (whichever way it goes) I am dedinitely going to tell as many people as possible about it all!

Thanks again all smile

OP’s posts: |
CornishMaid1 Fri 18-Jan-19 08:56:57

Both sets of parents and siblings know, but that we have been trying for 5 years and at one point some were told to stop the 'can't wait to be a grandmother hint hint' talk.

My mum needed to know as she is doing the injections for me. I don't regret telling them now, but I think I will after as I am expecting to start asking after for any announcement and if it doesn't work I don't want to have to deal with that.

At work, my secretary knows but she is the only one (and that is so that she keep appointments away from clinic times/cover for me if I slip out) as I don't want everyone else to know. However, she has already been through it all so gets the wish to keep it quiet and to not ask every 5 minutes.

Hopeful16 Fri 18-Jan-19 09:15:15

I told work because of appointments for scans throughout the process but if you have flexible working hours you could get away with not telling.

Didn't find that I got hormonal at all but it does mess with your head. The "surgical" parts of egg collection and implanting were ok. The 2 week wait afterwards was difficult as you spend all of the time symptom spotting and as we all know the symptoms are very similar to getting your period!!!

Be kind to yourself. Keep talking to your partner and remember to keep your relationship well.

sallysparrow157 Fri 18-Jan-19 09:16:46

I’ve not told my parents as they sound very similar to your mum, OP! My other half has told his though as they are a bit more chilled! I have told my best friend and 3 of my work colleagues, two because they are really good friends and one because she has been through it too so was nice to have someone who knew how it feels (though she is now on mat leave with her 2nd baby who was a surprise ‘let’s do a pregnancy test before starting IVF again’!)

I had a fresh cycle which failed and am starting a cycle with frozen embryos at the moment. The worst part for me is the unpredictability of when I need to do things - I have a job which means being home late at short notice, not being able to just pop out for a scan etc and needing to arrange shift swaps to get leave - so I’ve had to inject at work a few times and call in favours at very short notice (hence it being really helpful that a few people at work know). I definitely wouldn’t book any holidays/time away as even when they give you a treatment protocol, your tracking scans may mean things move forwards or backwards a few days.
The injections didn’t hurt at all but I was really uncomfortable in the days leading up to egg collection and very sore for a couple of days afterwards. I’ve been pleasantly surprised about how little the hormones have affected me emotionally, but the process itself is stressful

Good luck!!

sallysparrow157 Fri 18-Jan-19 09:18:50

I had i think 48 follicles, and 20 eggs collected (they were concerned about hyper stimulation but all was ok in the end) which is probably why I was so sore!

AniSL Fri 18-Jan-19 11:48:25

OP dont worry too much about symptoms, you will read some people have had some horrific side effects, it scared the shit out of me. For me, I had no side effects in the first cycle but they only retrieved 4 eggs which didnt survive until day 5 despite being top quality at day 3. My 2nd cycle they upped the Gonal, the first day I had a mad headache but drank gatorade and it was gone, no side effects whatsoever, injecting was simple too. I didnt get hormonal or bloat either until trigger shot (but not by much). Our clinic is in Greece so we obviously travelled for ours. Just had my FET yesterday and am feeling fine. EC was fine too, actually went shopping after. You see some will have none and some will suffer. Hopefully you will be fine too.
I am a relatively chilled out person but was uber pissed when I found out my SIL (DH sister)told her kids and his aunt told her sisters and brothers, I went nuts to the point I refused to go for FET. We have told no one we are doing FET

Osirus Fri 18-Jan-19 17:20:52

I told one person, a friend who was also doing IVF.

Most people (including most family) still don’t know, and our child is now 2 1/2!

DontCareBear Fri 18-Jan-19 19:12:07

Thanks guys - I suppose it is just one big waiting game then to see what symptoms/side effects you get as with everything TTC it can affect anyone in any number of ways. Yay for us all being unique ha!

@Sallysparrow157 it can be tough when parents are quite emotional! I feel like I never tell my mum anything because I just cant be bothered to have to deal with the added stress! Oh well, we have survived this far so I guess this works for us wink

Gosh so many people are on this journey! Good luck to everyone - I hope it works for those that are still trying flowersgrin

OP’s posts: |
cannonball8726 Sat 19-Jan-19 11:16:23

We just told a couple of my close friends and a couple of my husband's close friends. That worked for us. Our parents would have been really anxious if they had known and I think telling others would have created more pressure for us. It's a very individual thing though - we got a lot of support from each other and the small number of friends we told were really brilliant.

Podemos Sat 19-Jan-19 11:36:55

I told my family and friends. My parents were staying with me while I had my meds in the fridge so had to tell. I told friends because I really like a drink and as soon as I went out not drinking they'd have assumed that I was pregnant, which I would have found quite upsetting.

I did find it hard that everyone knew once we started having embryo transfers as 'normally' it'd be your choice when to tell your news. After a few failed transfers we managed to keep our BFP to our self for 10 weeks by being very vague on things and a few lies about not having had our latest transfer.

Being able to talk about it openly with friends though, I did find useful. And found that it really gave us all the opportunity to open up and talk about fertility issues- miscarriages, worries about partners not being ready to ttc but time running out, etc. Friends were genuinely interested to learn about the process and the science which most don't really understand if they've not been through it.

Mol5 Sat 19-Jan-19 11:52:43

We have decided to go ahead with IVF this year too and expect to begin in May (time frame decided by NHS funding).

I am incredibly close with my parents so they know, but my in-laws don't. They are not the comforting type but I wanted my mum and dad to know for their emotional support.

No one at work knows but we have mentioned it briefly when appropriate to close friends - i.e when the children conversation comes up. We found that actually it's nice to then know that people are more thoughtful of their pregnancy chats and "when are you planning on kids" questions and the conversations are less secretive/awkward. I probably wouldn't tell anyone specific timings though to avoid the "did it work" afterwards.

MochaToGo Sun 20-Jan-19 20:37:38

IVF process: I am pretty pathetic in that I hate needles and get every side effect going, to any drug I take. So I was dreading it, pictured myself passing out at work or looking 9 months pregnant with the bloating. In reality I felt fine throughout, no side effects at all and had even more energy than normal. Injections were fine (needle is tiny), egg collection was painless - tiny bit sore afterwards but felt normal again within a few hours. Everyone's different and I know I was lucky but I think it is important to say that sometimes (usually?) it's really not too bad.

Re work, I didn't want to tell them either, but also didn't want to lie. So said I needed to have some medical appointments and that some would be at short notice, but reassured them that it wasn't anything life threatening. I then tried to book scans/appointments etc in the morning before work, or in my lunch hour. The only day I needed off was the egg collection day, which I said was minor day surgery.

Good luck! flowers

DameSylvieKrin Mon 21-Jan-19 03:05:17

We didn’t tell anyone — I had the idea that if it didn’t work, I wanted to let people think we were childless by choice.
I would suggest not telling others the specifics as the 2ww is hard enough without someone else asking how it went.

DontCareBear Mon 21-Jan-19 09:11:23

Thanks everyone smile Yes we have decided we wont tell anyone this first round but if we need another we will tell.

Fingers crossed for all of us on this journey! X

OP’s posts: |
worldwidewebuser Tue 29-Jan-19 15:36:19

I wish you all the best on your journey.

Personally, I would like to eventually be able to open up to family / friends about needing IVF, but not tell anyone when we were actually doing it.

Join the discussion

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet

Already have a Mumsnet account? Log in