Egg donation

(78 Posts)
Fabaunt Fri 11-Jan-19 18:11:11

Hey just looking for other opinions here.
If a child is conceived from a donated egg, but carried by the intended mother, should the child be told the mother is not biologically related?

OP’s posts: |
GG2233 Tue 15-Jan-19 01:25:13

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Italiangreyhound Sun 13-Jan-19 15:11:43

I hope you find peace.

Fabaunt Sun 13-Jan-19 13:41:40

Just to update the situation I spoke to my parent last night. They’re horrified. And very upset. We will be seeking legal advice tomorrow and seeing what can be done as when we read back over the contract it states my age as 21, not 18.

OP’s posts: |
Fabaunt Sat 12-Jan-19 17:32:45

I really liked the quote telling the truth should never be a secret. Maybe I’ll finally find peace telling the truth

OP’s posts: |
lucy2204 Sat 12-Jan-19 17:28:09

I didn't mean now actually,Purple smileI was agreeing the child needs to know. (Y).... itd be crazy telling the little girl now. But she's bound to come asking questions when she's older,

Italiangreyhound Sat 12-Jan-19 16:02:42

PurpleDaisies

"There was a big clue where I started my post “Lucy”."

Sorry Purple I thought that Lucy just mean to tell the child at some point and I you thought it meant now. If it means now then I would agree with you Purple.

Apologies. blush

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Italiangreyhound Sat 12-Jan-19 14:14:36

Lucy said to tell her. Not when.

PurpleDaisies Sat 12-Jan-19 14:13:09

There was a big clue where I started my post “Lucy”.

PurpleDaisies Sat 12-Jan-19 14:11:37

I wasn’t responding to the op italian.

Italiangreyhound Sat 12-Jan-19 13:57:01

Fabaunt great plan.

The patents made the mistakes and are responsible for this hurt of the OP and potential future hurt of the child.

The truth should never be a secret.

Whatever happens the girl will be better off eventually knowing.

I've read of people who found out they are adopted after the adopted parent died (yes it's not adoption I know) and the hurt they felt having not known the truth.

All this about donor eggs and the best thing being to tell was well known about 12 years ago. I started my (unsuccessful) treatment about 9 years ago after reading extensively about this.

Good luck OP. Spend the next few years looking forward positively. flowers

Italiangreyhound Sat 12-Jan-19 13:48:02

PurpleDaisies

"...do you honestly think that’s in the 12 year old girl’s best interest?"

The OP has said repeatedly she would not tell until the girl is can adult. Of course it is in her best interests to know the truth.

Italiangreyhound Sat 12-Jan-19 13:41:02

heard about the genes

Awittyusernameishardtofind Sat 12-Jan-19 13:37:15

I’m not being horrible. I’m giving you an opinion, which is why you say you started this thread. But you’ve been resolute since the off that you were going to tell this girl at 18. People have offered their opinions as to why they think it’s not your place to do so. You have ignored them. You were only seeking validation that what you’re planning is the right thing to do.

I hope the next six years brings you all of the happiness in the world and that you find peace and come to terms with what happened to you. And that whatever happens that the girl and her family are safe and happy.

Italiangreyhound Sat 12-Jan-19 13:24:09

Cantdoright1 I too jratd about the genes being switched on so the mum's body affects the embryo.

Cantdoright1 I have said repeatedly I personally think it should be the parents telling. Your biological make up does affect you. Of you do not see that I can't be bothered to explain it. Normally, if people grow up knowing the truth it doesn't negatively impact.

OneForTheRoadThen Sat 12-Jan-19 12:41:17

I think that's a good plan @Fabaunt and I wish you the best. I'm also really sorry you lost your daughter thanks

I agree with you that children from donor eggs should be told but many people who have used them don't. There's a frequent poster on these forums who is quite open about not telling her child so your post may have hit home with some people which could explain some of the responses you've had xx

Fabaunt Sat 12-Jan-19 12:34:02

Awittyusername, why are you being so horrible? It is recommended that children used from donor eggs be told before the age of 5. Telling a young adult that her mother needed help to have her is in no way comparable to taking advantage of her, lying to her and practically stealing her genetic material. It is her parents responsibility to tell her, I do not dispute this, however they are unwilling. They had their minds made up about that before ever even having my eggs. There is a little girl in the midst of all this who has no idea who she actually is. It is her parents actions that have damaged both of us.

For now, I am going to share what happened to me with my parent, and take their advice on how to proceed. I will also have counseling. When she is 18, I will hopefully be in a better place to share her secret with her and pass on health concerns she may need to know in the future. If she wants to maintain a friendship with me then I would be so happy, and hopefully she will get to know her new cousins if I am lucky enough to have children by then. If she doesn’t want anything to do with me, I respect that but at least she can make an informed decision

OP’s posts: |
Awittyusernameishardtofind Sat 12-Jan-19 12:22:50

What happened to you when you were 18 is still eating you up 12 years later. You say you were ‘Little more than a child myself’ why do you see yourself as a young Naive child but expect this girl to be mature enough to handle a bombshell like this (assuming her parents haven’t told her) If you’re not careful you’re going to mess this girl up at 18 and leave her as bitter and angry as you are

Fabaunt Sat 12-Jan-19 12:19:12

Thank you 💙💙

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Eatmycheese Sat 12-Jan-19 12:13:02

I’m glad I didn’t upset or offend you with what I wrote.
It takes a strong person to seek help and to deal with things: and your experiences are complex and longitudinal. I wish you well and I hope that you find some answers as well as a happy future. flowers

Fabaunt Sat 12-Jan-19 12:10:27

I think you’re right, in order for me to start to deal with this and get over it, it needs to stop being my secret. I can’t cope with it. I have made the decision to tell my parent, and address it in counseling

OP’s posts: |
Eatmycheese Sat 12-Jan-19 11:40:07

Well with the greatest of respect, if your telling her is six years away then you need to stop doing this to yourself right now.

This will make you ill and very very unhappy, more than you are already. As others have urged you, I will to in that you ought to put your life and your need to heal first and seek some sustained support and time to focus on yourself.

A lot can happen in six years. That you will have no knowledge or control over.

Fabaunt Sat 12-Jan-19 11:34:11

Did you miss the part where I said I would never tell her while she’s a child?

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Eatmycheese Sat 12-Jan-19 11:31:06

You are juxtaposing your experience with her parents, your medical details and your feelings onto her and her young life.

You need some professional help to deal with your mindset, your anger and your feelings. All of which are entirely understandable but as PP have said, telling this girl in such a manner will change none of that. It seems likely that her parents will use you doing this as an opportunity to paint you as vengeful and unstable. She is a minor and they are her parents.

Think very carefully. Please.

PurpleDaisies Sat 12-Jan-19 11:30:36

lucy do you honestly think that’s in the 12 year old girl’s best interest?

lucy2204 Sat 12-Jan-19 11:03:05

I'd tell her,
so sorry your having to go through this 💗

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