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Egg donation

(78 Posts)
Fabaunt Fri 11-Jan-19 18:11:11

Hey just looking for other opinions here.
If a child is conceived from a donated egg, but carried by the intended mother, should the child be told the mother is not biologically related?

Italiangreyhound Fri 11-Jan-19 18:42:47

IMHO. Yes. These often come out. Hpebrr of you are not the mum it's not your pls e to tell anyone else about this.

Google Donor Conception Network for more info.

Fabaunt Fri 11-Jan-19 18:56:05

What if the child is biologically mine?

Heratnumber7 Fri 11-Jan-19 18:59:48

Is it your egg? Or a donated egg?

If it's your egg it's genetically yours. Not sure about biologically.

If it's a donated egg planted in you it isn't genetically yours. Again, not sure about biologically.

Italiangreyhound Fri 11-Jan-19 19:04:47

Fabaunt if you donated an egg via a clinic I assume they have procedures about that kind of thing. Although it''s best, IMHO, fotthe individual to know that is the responsibility of the parents to tell.

Is this a real life situation?

Is the person still a child?

Please be very careful if this is a real life situation. You might cause real upset and problems by sharing confidential information.

Perhaps I had better tell you why I answered your post.

I am not a professional in the fertility industry.

I am an ordinary mum who had treatment with donor eggs (once by altruistic donor and once by egg sharing fresh cycle, then a frozen cycle), all unsuccessful.

We have a birth dd and an adopted son.

Please do not do anything that could cause hurt to a child if you know something about their family situation. flowers

Italiangreyhound Fri 11-Jan-19 19:07:51

'What if the child is biologically mine?'

Do you mean you donated the egg or you carried the baby? In terms of a child I would say the legal parents have the right/responsibility to tell.

Lauren83 Fri 11-Jan-19 19:13:40

My baby is born from donor eggs, I'm not the intended mother I'm his mother, I'm grateful that someone donated the cells I needed to help with my partner bring him into the word, I will tell him about the amazing egg donor but she isn't his 'bio mum' she is the wonderful egg donor who helped us out

Fabaunt Fri 11-Jan-19 19:39:48

I donated the eggs when I was a teenager to family overseas who I feel took complete advantage of me. I was promised cash at the end of the treatment, which was never given to me. I was lied to, and told that her genes would be mixed in and the baby would be a part of all 3 of us. At 18, I didn’t know any better. I wasn’t allowed to tell anyone, I signed legal documents stating I could never disclose the procedure to anyone, including my parents.

For the first two years of the child’s life they wouldn’t share any photos or information with me but kept in touch with me constantly to see if there was anything going on with me/my family that they should know about.

When one of my parents was terminally ill, the child’s father (not my relation) flew here (13 hr flight) to “meet” my parent. His wife would have been related to my other parent and would know have known this parent. I felt so disgusted with myself that my parent was meeting this person and not knowing the true reason behind the meeting when my parent was so vulnerable. I know that the dad (the most reasonable one out of him and my cousin) wanted to meet my parent to get to know his child’s genetic grandparent because he told me while he had been drinking.

The child is a little older now (12) and I would never dream of telling the child while she was a child. But it’s haunting me. I keep my distance because it’s very hard to look at her, she is the mirror image of me and according to her father she has my personality and temperament. I may be being paranoid too but I feel she knows there’s a connection there. She does not pay much attention to her family around her, outside her nuclear family. She would not be close to aunts or uncles. Yet I have had to block her on FaceTime because she contacts me and calls me every single day. We are on totally different time zones, but she is fascinated. She is trying to learn my native language from online, extra curricular. She begs me to come visit, or to ask her parents if she can come visit me. She has talked about coming to visit to stay with me during the holidays, which I have not encouraged as I do not want her here. It is hard enough to look at a mirror image of yourself.

Her other family have totally noticed the similarities between us too but as I’m her moms cousin it’s chalked down to “oh wow you’re so alike aren’t you?” But except for skin tone and hair colour we look nothing alike.

They have no intention whatsoever of ever ever telling her. But they have totally infringed on my privacy, they’ve invaded my personal space within my family for their own interests. And the dad seems to be a little more understanding, as in, hell say how alike she is, when he was here he asked if he could keep a baby pic of me because he couldn’t believe how similar myself and his child was. Although the first two years they didn’t include me or tell me anything, the only two photos I saw of her was sent to me in secret by her dad.

I didn’t think much of it until I had my own angel born sleeping and the fact I have someone out there living walking breathing while looking exactly like me, and not being allowed talk about it or tell anyone about it, and being older and wiser and knowing they didn’t fulfil anything of their side of things, they took complete advantage of me in their desperation to have a child. Her own family don’t even know.

I feel awful blanking the child because she tries so hard to stay in contact and stay in touch. There is a weird bond there and I don’t want it to develop or escalate until she understands the truth. I often wonder can she see so much of herself in me. She looks nothing like her mom dad or other sibling.

I would never tell her as a child but I cannot keep this secret forever. I believe she has the right to know who she isZ

Lauren83 Fri 11-Jan-19 20:09:33

I honestly wouldn't know where to even begin to advise you on how to deal with this but I am so so sorry you have been put in this position I can imagine it's very hard for you thanks

Italiangreyhound Fri 11-Jan-19 20:46:11

Fabaunt you poor woman, how difficult.

In your shoes I would seek some counselling.

In your shoes I would tell the girl when she is an adult. Or I would ensure she found out. This is my personal opinion and ehat I would do.

As far as the friendship now, you are right it is tough. I would also try and keep her at at a length and only really try ad build a relationship when she is an adult.

Just for the record our son is adopted (I lnowotis not the same as donor eggs) and we have been told honesty, age appropriate, is always best.

The donor conception network

www.dcnetwork.org/

Might be able to advise you but it is a UK thing ad of this happened overseas they would not necessarily know about laws in another country.

I a so sorry about your loss of your baby.

flowers

Fabaunt Fri 11-Jan-19 20:50:20

Thank you ladies flowers I just don’t have anyone else to ask because nobody can know

Awittyusernameishardtofind Fri 11-Jan-19 21:57:36

Firstly I’m sorry for your loss. I think you need to see someone about how you’re feeling that can give you professionaladvice and support.

Secondly, If the girls trying so hard to connect with you do you not think she may have figured it out? If she’s asking questions her family need to discuss things with her. I get that it’s frustrating but it’s not your place to tell her. You may have been young and mislead as to your reward when giving your egg but you still did it knowing that they were going to raise her as their own. I’m not sure how you thought that the baby would be a genetic mix of all three of you..The fact that you feel cheated is a separate issue to this little girls feelings and her welfare. Talk to the dad if he’s the reasonable one. Make him aware that the daughter has questions. As for the cash you were promised, did this happen in the uk? Because it’s illegal to pay for egg donation here

Fabaunt Fri 11-Jan-19 22:26:40

No it didn’t happen in the UK. She asked me to come work in her country for the summer, and I did. My parents were under the assumption her husband was giving me a job. There was no job. They paid for my meals and let me stay at their house but the money at the end of the treatment was supposed to be for my “work”, inconvenience, the fact I couldn’t enjoy my holiday as I was taking fertility meds. I can’t truely describe the situation. I lived with them in their tiny apartment despite other family members asking me to come visit and stay with them. Her husband controlled my diet, what I ate and drank, for 6 weeks. I do not eat beef but was given steaks to eat to keep my iron up. He would take the skin off chicken before I could eat it. I was given raspberry tea after raspberry tea despite being so warm in a country much warmer than the UK. I had to wear long sleeved tops so as other family wouldn’t see bruises on my arms for having my bloods done.

The mother was very upset about needing eggs, and she made it quite clear that they would be taking dna from her so that the baby would be a part of all of us. There wasn’t the same access to the internet then as there was now. I was very young, very naive. The clinic they used recommended a phsyciatric evaluation which they were both very concerned I wouldn’t pass but they got that swayed. I didn’t have to do it.

I am just so angry they completely blindsided me, took advantage of me, lied to me, manipulated me and then infringed on my parents privacy just so he could meet his child’s blood relative.

They cannot expect to have so much control or knowledge about my health and about my life.

The child deserves to know the truth, I don’t think she knows already but there is absolutely no denying she is besotted with me to the point I’ve had to block her because she is so needy with me. On occasions I have answered her FaceTime she just wants to watch tv with me. She calls me all the time, New Years, Christmas, birthdays, the weekends and she doesn’t understand that it’s a different time or I’m out with my friends. She keeps calling and calling.

Her other sibling will say hi but isn’t interested in chats. Her mom rarely speaks to me and her dad would speak to me a bit. But he seems to want to talk about me being like her, or her being like me. Whereas the mother completely ignores the fact the donation ever happened, like the agreement was supposed to be. He compares our features, our hair, our noses, our toes. He tells me all the things she likes that we share interests in. I was once talking about an arguement I had with my boyfriend at the time and mentioned my temper and he said “I know your temper so Well! I live with it every day.”

I believe everyone deserves to know who they are and where they come from. It would not be so hard if she didn’t look exactly like me. I look at her and it’s like looking into my soul. I feel wretched. It wouldn’t be so bad if she didn’t seem to like me so much, If there was no connection, but there is. That little girl is 50% me and I don’t owe them anything. I will not ruin her childhood but I think once she is old enough I will tell her exactly who she is.

Awittyusernameishardtofind Fri 11-Jan-19 22:43:02

im sorry you were deceived but it’s not your place to tell her. Adult or child you aren’t her mother. Her mother is the person who loves her and who raised her. and however poorly you’ve been treated by her mother you can’t let how you feel about the past effect this girl. It’s her parents place to tell her. No matter what your opinion on the matter is.

Fabaunt Fri 11-Jan-19 22:44:22

They have until she’s 18.

Awittyusernameishardtofind Fri 11-Jan-19 22:47:10

That little girl is not 50% yours. You may have been naive but you were an adult you made the decision to help her and you always knew that your cousin was going to raise her. The internet may not have been around but if you had reservations you should have spoken to the clinic about them and made sure you knew what you were getting in to.
I’m sorry I know you’re dealing with the loss of your own little one but that’s a separate issue and one I think you need to get some help with.

Fabaunt Fri 11-Jan-19 22:51:11

I did have counseling following her death, but to be honest I don’t think the loss of a child is something counseling can fix. The child is biologically 50% me, and just as much mine as she is her father. You cannot manipulate and lie to convince someone to give over their genetic material just to fulfil your own desires of having a family.

My donation, their action, we are all responsible for creating another life. She deserves to know who she is, it is so wrong to lie to a person about who she is. I don’t owe them anything.

Fabaunt Fri 11-Jan-19 22:53:37

And you’re saying I was an adult at 18 responsible for making my own decisions which is fair enough. But surely this girl at 18 should surely be responsible for making an informed choice of who she wants in her life, and to know who she is? Like I said I would never say it to her as a child

Awittyusernameishardtofind Fri 11-Jan-19 22:54:14

Well it sounds like you’d already made your mind up. Enjoy ruining this girls life out of revenge against her parents. I’m sure that will give you the closure you need on the matter

Fabaunt Fri 11-Jan-19 23:00:19

I would never ruin her life. Do you mean to tell me you wouldn’t want to know if one of your parents wasn’t really your biological parent? I would. I would want to know. She clearly wants some sort of friendship or relationship from me and I can’t do that when she doesn’t truely understand what she’s dealing with. I would never wish her harm, or tell her from a vendetta but she is my blood and I am her blood and she deserves to know.

Awittyusernameishardtofind Fri 11-Jan-19 23:05:26

Whether she ‘deserves to know’ or not is by the by. You’re not her parent. It’s not your place to tell her.
And being biologically related to someone doesn’t make them a parent. A parent is the person who raises you, loves you and puts you before their own selfish needs.
Would I want to know is one quiestion. Would it matter is the more important one.

Fabaunt Fri 11-Jan-19 23:08:58

I don’t want to take her moms place. I don’t expect her to see me as a mom but I want an honest relationship with her when she is old enough to understand. I don’t have any wish to break up her family. But I’m not willing to live a lie myself anymore. It’s eaten me up

Fabaunt Fri 11-Jan-19 23:11:05

You could argue they didn’t put her before their own selfish needs. They lied and manipulated a young girl to fulfil their own selfish needs and they are refusing to tell her who she really is because her mother can’t get beyond her own feelings of needing an egg donation so they would rather lie to her about who she is than admit they needed help to have her

Awittyusernameishardtofind Fri 11-Jan-19 23:14:22

If you don’t want to break her family up then you need to respect their wishes.
If your finding it hard then speak to her parents about it. They may well plan to tell her themselves when she’s older but again. It’s down to her parents to do it. Not to you.

Awittyusernameishardtofind Fri 11-Jan-19 23:21:33

What do you mean by ‘who she really is’? Finding out that your mum needed someone else’s eggs to get pregnant doesn’t change a thing about her.

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