How do I deal with this inane jealousy with pregnant friend?

(37 Posts)
ashleyharriet33 Tue 08-Jan-19 13:21:07

I have been trying for 3 years for a baby
I'm now 33.
My best friend has a 8 year old and told me in October she was going to start trying for another.
Yesterday she called and said "I've got a little baba in the oven ,I'm 5 weeks."
And I just thought to myself of course you do ..why wouldn't you,click your fingers and pregnant.
I'm sick to my stomach with sadness /jealous
I want a family but it will never happen,what have I done wrong?
I'm going to have to end the friendship because I can't stand it.
I'm sorry that is such a mopey nasty post but I'm sick of it .

OP’s posts: |
User974246832 Tue 08-Jan-19 15:14:25

I know exactly how you feel
I’ve watched my undeserving bil abandon one child and then move onto a new gf and she was pregnant within 6 months of them knowing each other. Sickens me.
I’ve been ttc for 6 years and nothing. We are now in the process of tests and hopefully ivf as I’ve struggled the past 2 years. I know it’s harder than it seems but try not to push your friend away. I did this and I stopped talking my in laws ( they don’t we are ttc) I avoided them until Christmas and I’d been dreading seeing her full term but it wasn’t as bad a second I thought it would be. I always think to myself we will have our baby one day. You could talk to your friend and let her know your finding it hard. Have you been to the doctors ? X

KatnissMellark Tue 08-Jan-19 15:21:55

If you end your friendships with everyone who gets pregnant, you'll end up very lonely.

It's so so hard and I'm sorry you're in so much pain but it doesn't sound like your friend has done anything wrong at all. Try not to punish her for your bad luck.

Have you sought any treatment?

granolacrayons Tue 08-Jan-19 15:22:08

So sorry you are feeling like this. I am going through something similar. My BIL's girlfriend got pregnant accidentally, 6 months into their relationship, while I keep on miscarrying. When I was told the news it was like a punch to the stomach. Does she know you have been TTC?

ashleyharriet33 Tue 08-Jan-19 18:09:22

She says stupid things like
"Your lucky you have no kids.none of this stress"
Clearly doesn't think that or she wouldn't of tried for another.
I've had bloods done plus scans which show I ovulate monthly and the scan looked ok but I think I have endometriosis and I'm waiting for a lap.
I'm convinced that's going to show blocked tubes or some damage

OP’s posts: |
ashleyharriet33 Tue 08-Jan-19 18:10:02

Yeah she knows I want a baby.

OP’s posts: |
Snoz Tue 08-Jan-19 18:11:22

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ashleyharriet33 Tue 08-Jan-19 18:12:54

@Snoz do you have kids?

OP’s posts: |
meatbag Tue 08-Jan-19 18:15:16

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Huffleypuff Tue 08-Jan-19 18:17:38

Hi ashley. I know how you’re feeling. I found myself even hating random strangers who were pregnant when I couldn’t conceive. I didn’t want to be bitter but my heart felt broken and I couldn’t deal with things rationally.

You don’t really want to push away everyone you know who gets pregnant, can you try explaining to your friend how he’s youre finding things. Maybe she will be a little more sensitive (the faux complaining comments are one of the worst, I know!)

Snoz Tue 08-Jan-19 18:19:34

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

WhoKnewBeefStew Tue 08-Jan-19 18:25:20

So sorry you’re going through this OP. It’s horrendous isn’t it. This happened with me and my BF. I bit my tongue and grinned and bear it, but it was so difficult. I’m glad I did tho, as I ended up adopting and she was brilliant and so supportive during the whole process.

Nellabella Tue 08-Jan-19 18:25:53

I think you have to tell her you're finding it difficult, how do you think she would take it? Does she say those stupid comments because she doesn't know what to say or is she a bit of an idiot? At your age you haven't missed the boat yet- you have time and I say that after years of infertility, I finally had a baby as a much older mum.

Also as hard as it is you have to try and stop yourself getting bitter, I used to purposefully 'change the subject' in my own head when I started thinking those thoughts- I hope that's not patronising but I think it's advice from one who knows x

ashleyharriet33 Tue 08-Jan-19 18:32:03

@Nellabella no not at all,it's helpful.
I'm just trying to focus on the lap and I've read after a lap sometimes you can be more fertile (you can live and hope I guess (

OP’s posts: |
Nellabella Tue 08-Jan-19 18:34:08

Yes I had blocked tubes which I hadn't known about and they said that to me too- is IVF an option? It wasn't for me as I was over the top age

BirthdayKake Tue 08-Jan-19 18:58:39

Sorry to hear this. Here is my advice, which of course you don't have to take!

I am pregnant with my fifth baby. All five were conceived within a month of trying. I am very very grateful for that.

BUT. That is probably the ONLY thing that goes right for me in life! The father of my children decided to fuck off a few weeks after the fourth baby was born. I have horrendous morning sickness, and once had to terminate a planned pregnancy because it was so bad. I have no family sad well, I do, but I don't speak to any of them, as they made my life hell for years. I often go into periods of anxiety and depression.

My point is that you never know what else people are suffering and it may not be as it seems.

PurpleDaisies Tue 08-Jan-19 19:05:00

Why why why would you post that here kate? It’s infertility. I’m genuinely sorry for your troubles but that’s a seriously insensitive comment.

PurpleDaisies Tue 08-Jan-19 19:05:37

I would give my right arm to have horrendous morning sickness.

rainbowsss Tue 08-Jan-19 19:12:07

@BirthdayKake seriously! Jesus could you be any more insensitive. Wow.

OP I'm really sorry and I understand how difficult that must be. Your friend doesn't sound very sensitive at all. I don't really know how to get over the jealously. When I had a MMC and my friend was pregnant and due the same month I would have been I ended up not really speaking to her for a long while. It wasn't hard as we weren't that close and I essentially just blocked her on Facebook (but not so she could tell.) Took me a long time to get over and even now certain things I still struggle with. Recently she posted something about January birthdays being difficult and that was when my LO would have been born. Sending a big hug x

BirthdayKake Tue 08-Jan-19 19:13:38

Sorry. Probably not thinking straight. Found my cat dead on the road this morning. Apologies xx

BirthdayKake Tue 08-Jan-19 19:14:49

Also didn't realise that this was the Infertility board.

Rainbows yes I could be more insensitive, but obviously I'm not going to be...

Lottapianos Tue 08-Jan-19 19:19:45

'I'm sick to my stomach with sadness /jealous '

Oh OP, I hear you. It's utter total shit. You're not mopey or nasty or anything else horrible. It's totally understandable that you feel the way you do. I was SO angry and so sad when my friend was pregnant. I absolutely hated seeing her and could happily have slapped her face many times. No advice for you but loads of hugs and sympathy

LadyGAgain Tue 08-Jan-19 19:27:30

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I have supported many friends through the same. They all now have a family (nothing to do with me obvs!) by whatever means and their strength and determination is humbling.
Please don't cut your friend off. It's not her fault she conceived quickly - it's the luck of the draw and she shared her news as she loves you. I'm sure her insensitive comments about how lucky you are blah blah are her nervous response to knowing she has the one thing you want and she's trying to play it down?
I wish you very TTC success this year thanks

RedPandaFluff Tue 08-Jan-19 19:37:44

Hi @ashleyharriet33 - I know how you feel, I've been TTC for years and have had three failed cycles of IVF. My two closest friends got pregnant at the same time and it was so hard to deal with - I'm so jealous of them, and do find myself getting easily frustrated with the drama queen of the pair who keeps moaning about pregnancy! My sister's new baby is due five weeks after my chemical pregnancy would have been due and I have to act strong around her. It's extremely difficult to not take it personally but you can't - it's not fair to expect everyone else to tiptoe round you, and as PPs have said, you'll end up very lonely if you push everyone away.

Fake it. Be as happy as you can for them. It will burn, but that's life.

cannonball8726 Tue 08-Jan-19 23:01:50

Sorry OP, it's really shit. I shut myself off from friends with babies as I just couldn't cope with it. It isn't the best way of dealing with things - it can be horribly isolating - but it allowed some self preservation.

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