Wanting to donate eggs - advice wanted

(35 Posts)
Basperandmoo Mon 31-Dec-18 15:23:38

Hi all,

I’m after some advice and guidance (please, no harsh words required...).

Can you meet the recipient beforehand?

I have two healthy children and the bonus special edition of two healthy step children. We’ve decided that we don’t want any more children but egg donation is something that I’ve thought about a few times since the birth of my second child.

I’ve spent some time researching egg donation and have narrowed it down to one local clinic (whom I have a phone appointment with on Thursday). From what I’ve read, it’s an anonymous process. I’m happy with this but would also have the curiousity in wanting to meet the recipients.

Is it possible for someone/a couple to connect with me if I’m of a match to them?

I’d love to give the gift of parenthood to someone and would appreciate advice on the topic.

Thank you in advance.

OP’s posts: |
GG2233 Tue 15-Jan-19 01:25:35

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Fabaunt Sat 12-Jan-19 15:19:18

Thank you 💙💙

Basperandmoo Sat 12-Jan-19 15:07:45

@Fabaunt

I really appreciate your point of view. And yes, I have children of my own so it has crossed my mind. It is something I’d want to know about should my mother have done that.

I’ve just read your thread regarding your donation (I did scroll through all the comments but got a rough idea).

Firstly, I’m very deeply sorry to learn about the loss of your own child. My heart really does go out to you.

Whilst I agree with others that counselling seems like a good idea, I too have received counselling (difficult birth with first child left me with PTSD), I do agree with you in that it isn’t a magical cure. I feel that some of the best counselling comes from those around us and the contract that you signed is preventing you from accessing that benefit.

I think that the best thing that you can do is to approach a solicitor for some legal advice, taking with you a copy of the contract if you have it. Failing that, maybe the clinic that you attended my still have a copy.
They have not fulfilled their part within the agreement (payment etc). Although the law will differ between countries, some initial advice may help.
Although you were legally an adult when you signed the contract, I feel it’s unfair that you were denied the opportunity to discuss with anyone other than the couple and the medical professionals. You were still of a vulnerable age and given the opportunity of advice, you may not have chosen to go ahead. You were denied the support of friends and family, together with the counselling that was offered prior to the treatment.

In terms of telling the child created, I can fully understand you urge to tell her the truth, especially given the circumstances.
However, even at reaching 18, if you were to tell her then it would have an overbearing impact on her life. Remember how different you were at that same age.

Before taking things any further, have you considered approaching your cousin directly? Whilst she’s acted in an unfair way, she’s also been the one raising the child since birth and as such is technically the ‘mother’. If I were to have been a recipient, I’d be distraught if my relative told my child without discussing feelings with me beforehand. Again, if I were the child being told that my mother was in fact not my mother, I’d also be distraught.

I fully appreciate how you must be feeling and why you’ve been taken advantage of. I would aim to get some legal advice (relevant to the country that it took place in) together with some counselling so that you can speak freely about it all.

I really hope that you resolve the situation as best that you can.

OP’s posts: |
Fabaunt Sat 12-Jan-19 14:45:09

I think it’s harder because the child is contacting me and there is a bond, and essentially I can see the child and I can see myself in so much of her character and I can see my sibling and parts of both my parents. (She has my dads ears and my moms smile, just like me!) and then she’ll frown and she looks exactly like my aunt who is of no “relation” to her. But also, you’ll wonder so much about the life you’ve basically created. It’s no different to a man going out and blowing his load during a one night stand and leaving his flesh and blood to be raised and cared for by other people.

I am prone to weight gain, as my mom was and I really have to watch myself with that. This child’s mom isn’t, and while I donated the eggs her dad really controlled my diet and I felt horrible before I even donated the eggs that what If the baby was a girl, would he exercise the same control over her? Of course by then it was too late for me to back out.

What you also must consider is if you have other kids, how they would feel having a genetic sibling out in the world? Would you be freaked out they may end up meeting each other in a nightclub?

I think when you donate your eggs, you’re basically giving your dna away, it’s not harmless. It isn’t the best thing to do. You don’t need to carry and birth a child to feel a huge connection. I felt so upset when my cousin shut me out while pregnant, and for the first two years of the child’s life. I would not do it again if I could have a do over and I would never recommend someone else do it.

Basperandmoo Sat 12-Jan-19 14:31:33

@Fabaunt I’m so sorry to hear that you regret it. Do you feel this way because it was a known donor or do you think you’d have felt this way regardless?

I’ve spoken with a woman at the clinic, who has sent me some further information. I have the full support of my partner (which helps) but I’m still undecided and therefore don’t want to rush into it.

I guess that it’s quite hard to know how you’ll feel until you’ve done it.

OP’s posts: |
Fabaunt Sat 12-Jan-19 12:57:22

I have an ongoing thread open just below this one if you want to read it x

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RedPandaFluff Sat 12-Jan-19 12:54:14

@Fabaunt - I had IVF treatment using donor eggs and I would be devastated if my donor felt this way. Sadly none of the cycles worked for me but I am so eternally grateful to the donors who gave me a chance at parenthood.

Donating eggs to a family member is such an amazing, altruistic thing to do, as it's usually out of love and care for the family member rather than money. I'm very curious to know why it was a terrible decision for you? If it's opening old wounds please don't feel the need to respond.

Fabaunt Sat 12-Jan-19 10:48:03

No, I donated to a family member who was infertile and it was the worst decision I ever made.

RedPandaFluff Sat 12-Jan-19 07:09:01

Hi @Fabaunt - it sounds as if you really regret your decision, which must be awful for you. Did you donate eggs in return for free/reduced price IVF?

Fabaunt Sat 12-Jan-19 00:39:41

I donated eggs and to be honest I wouldn’t recommend you do it. Especially if you’re having reservations about wanting to meet the recipients beforehand. They are your eggs, and your genetic material. Way too precious to discard.

Basperandmoo Tue 01-Jan-19 20:40:34

@HappyHedgehog247 @PaintBySticker

Thank you for taking the time to reply, I really do appreciate the view of a recipient!

I feel exactly as you both say. There’s definitely a curiousity there and questions of heritage etc.

Until I speak with the clinic, I assume that it is all anonymous unless you approach the clinic with a known donor already in place.

OP’s posts: |
PaintBySticker Tue 01-Jan-19 18:23:09

I understand the desire to meet. We have a child conceived with the help of an egg donor I would have liked to meet them, not to ‘vet them’ (as per comment above) but to get to know a bit more about them. This wasn’t allowed but I did ask to pass on messages about how grateful we were. Our donor didn’t leave any additional information about herself and I wish she had so that’s something you could do OP.

HappyHedgehog247 Tue 01-Jan-19 11:46:19

It’s a wonderful thing you are doing. We are in the process of planning for treatment with a donor egg having had three failed rounds of IVF which they think is due to my eggs. UK clinics only offer eggs which are anonymous until the child is 18, but in some of the clinics you can get more information than others about the donor including a pen portrait or message from the donor. I would have loved a known donor so I could explain to the child more about their biological heritage. I think the clinic will pass a letter but it has to be anonymous through a clinic as this is the HFEA law.

Basperandmoo Tue 01-Jan-19 11:37:21

@ItsLikeRainOnYourWeddingDay

Thank you smile

Happy New Year.

OP’s posts: |
Basperandmoo Tue 01-Jan-19 11:36:30

@ReaganSomerset

Thank you! I will definitely be having a read of that today.

OP’s posts: |
ItsLikeRainOnYourWeddingDay Tue 01-Jan-19 11:14:02

Can't advise but want to say what a wonderful thing you are willing to do.

ReaganSomerset Tue 01-Jan-19 11:12:05

This website may help :

www.weareeggdonors.com

There's also a Facebook group.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 Tue 01-Jan-19 11:00:02

How old are you?

I've donated eggs. I did it for altruistic reasons maybe they gave them to a duchess or maybe they gave them to a crack whore. Maybe it didn't even work. I'll probably never know nor do I want to.

Basperandmoo Tue 01-Jan-19 10:56:08

I’m sorry that it didn’t work but I’m a believer in fate. Like you say, live in hope...

It’s funny that you should mention that as it had crossed my mind too, there’s a lot of money being paid out but not to the donor! Although it’s not about money to me, I’d do it without payment, I don’t think it’s right to make such huge amounts of money from situations such as this. However, I guess it’s the same with many lines of work when you break down the profit margins.

I’ve narrowed it down to one clinic so far based on their reviews on the HFEA website along with their birth rate being above the national average.

I hope that you still manage to realise your dream. X

OP’s posts: |
Basperandmoo Tue 01-Jan-19 10:47:17

I think you’re completely right. I think that it’s such a personal choice that it’s not one size fits all. For you, anonymous works and for others it’s different. There’s no right or wrong.

Being a parent is much more than just the genes. It’s something that I understand even more since becoming a step-parent and a change of life’s plan is not something that you are prepared for.

I’ve discovered Pride Angel and it’s interesting. I think that Thursday will hold further answers for me once I’ve spoken to the clinic.

OP’s posts: |
RedPandaFluff Tue 01-Jan-19 10:43:34

@Basperandmoo what an amazing thing you are doing - I had a really early menopause and needed donor egg IVF as a result, and I will be eternally grateful to the three donors who shared their eggs with me. Sadly none of the three cycles worked for me but I live in hope . . .

As PPs have said, you won't be able to meet your recipient but any children born as a result of your egg donation will be able to contact you when they turn 18. And you can find out if any children are born, I believe.

What I would say is, be careful which clinic you donate your eggs to. In some clinics, donors get paid around £750 to cover expenses, but the clinics charge recipients of donor eggs thousands of pounds and so profit hugely. One round of donor egg IVF for me is £12k - thousands more than a "normal" cycle using own eggs. I can't help but resent the fact that a kind woman like you who is altruistically donating eggs to help infertile women is basically a massive pound sign for the clinic!

Lauren83 Tue 01-Jan-19 10:25:37

Thanks so much, it was actually the 3rd donor that worked for me, the first 2 were in the UK so ID release at 18 and the one that worked was abroad so fully anon. I feel hugely hugely grateful to all the donors and bought them all gifts and wrote thank you cards and received a letter in return which reassured me she sounded a lovely person but for me anon appealed as I didn't want to look at my child and see the donor in him so I preferred to have never seen her, I will make sure he grows up knowing about the amazing women that helped us.

For me all I requested was brunette but I know others like to match on all physical characteristics plus education/occupation where possible but I guess it comes down to where you sit with the whole nature vs nurture

If you are looking to get in touch with a potential recip there's a site called pride angel where donors can be matched with recipients although be warned theres a fair amount of time wasters on there

Basperandmoo Tue 01-Jan-19 09:35:33

Very insightful reply and I really appreciate the view of someone who’s been through it, particularly a recipient.

I’m very happy to hear that it worked for you and that you reached your dream.

OP’s posts: |
1Wanda1 Tue 01-Jan-19 08:59:55

It's a great thing to do.

You have to be under 35. It's anonymous in this country.

Lauren83 Mon 31-Dec-18 21:04:50

Like PP said you can try to find a known recipient then approach a clinic. If you are doing an unknown donation then the clinic will have screen her as they will you, both will have implications counselling and also the clinic will approach the GP for a welfare of the child assessment. For me I preferred an unknown donor but I know there are some women who prefer a known donor for various reason so I think you may find a recipient fairly easier.

FWIW to other PPs whilst it's an amazing thing that people want to donate eggs to help others I don't think the parents of donor conceived children view the donor as the parent of the child, I certainly don't think my son is anyone's son but mine.

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