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Wanting to donate eggs - advice wanted

(35 Posts)
Basperandmoo Mon 31-Dec-18 15:23:38

Hi all,

I’m after some advice and guidance (please, no harsh words required...).

Can you meet the recipient beforehand?

I have two healthy children and the bonus special edition of two healthy step children. We’ve decided that we don’t want any more children but egg donation is something that I’ve thought about a few times since the birth of my second child.

I’ve spent some time researching egg donation and have narrowed it down to one local clinic (whom I have a phone appointment with on Thursday). From what I’ve read, it’s an anonymous process. I’m happy with this but would also have the curiousity in wanting to meet the recipients.

Is it possible for someone/a couple to connect with me if I’m of a match to them?

I’d love to give the gift of parenthood to someone and would appreciate advice on the topic.

Thank you in advance.

Justwaitingforaline Mon 31-Dec-18 20:02:56

No, you cannot meet the recipient unless you are a known donor which means you find your own recipient, not through the clinic.

Any donor conceived child can request information on you when they turn 18. You can find out if any children were born from your donation, gender and year of birth.

HavelockVetinari Mon 31-Dec-18 20:04:55

Why do you want to meet them? To vet then? The clinic and the law do that for you, you're not allowed to make your own judgements.

To be thanked? Be assured whoever gets your eggs will be more grateful than they can ever, ever express in words.

FestiveNut Mon 31-Dec-18 20:15:56

Well, good on you, OP. Personally, I couldn't be doing with all the needles! And knowing I had a child out there, somewhere. It probably isn't easy, physically or emotionally, and it's very selfless of you, OP. I applaud you.

No advice, but good luck with everything, I hope 2019 goes well for you.

Basperandmoo Mon 31-Dec-18 20:16:39

As stated in my original post, I was not looking for offensive words. If you can’t be kind, please be quiet.

I wouldn’t want to ‘vet’ them and understand that the law is there for a reason.

I’m asking for advice from those that have been on the journey as I’d like to make educated decisions myself.
It is not a decision that I’m taking lightly and I assume that a recipient wouldn’t be either.

If I were to be a recipient then I’d have a strong curiosity regarding the donor.

Excuse my need to understand further, I’m merely trying to ascertain as much information as I can prior to embarking on the journey.

Good luck in whatever journey you’re on.

FestiveNut Mon 31-Dec-18 20:17:59

The clinic and the law do that for you

Does the clinic actually vet the prospective parents? I presumed it was simply a case of having the money.

Basperandmoo Mon 31-Dec-18 20:18:47

Thank you, I appreciate your reply.

I hope that I can give the gift of parenthood to someone else. It’s all I ever wanted growing up and I couldn’t imagine not being able to achieve something that I’d assumed was a given.

I hope that you have a wonderful 2019 also.

Basperandmoo Mon 31-Dec-18 20:21:54

In all honesty, I’m really not sure.

I believe that it’s a journey based on honesty, just like entering into a relationship. You can read facts and medical history but I think that to be in contact with the other party speaks more than any form that would be filled in.

FestiveNut Mon 31-Dec-18 20:35:15

I know what you mean. I would want to meet whoever I was entrusting my biological offspring to, if I were to ever go down that route. I don't think it's an unreasonable request in itself, it's just not catered for legally in this country by the sounds of it.

Basperandmoo Mon 31-Dec-18 20:37:14

My thoughts entirely.

Surely if the donor and the recipient were like minded then there wouldn’t be a problem in talking.

Lauren83 Mon 31-Dec-18 21:04:50

Like PP said you can try to find a known recipient then approach a clinic. If you are doing an unknown donation then the clinic will have screen her as they will you, both will have implications counselling and also the clinic will approach the GP for a welfare of the child assessment. For me I preferred an unknown donor but I know there are some women who prefer a known donor for various reason so I think you may find a recipient fairly easier.

FWIW to other PPs whilst it's an amazing thing that people want to donate eggs to help others I don't think the parents of donor conceived children view the donor as the parent of the child, I certainly don't think my son is anyone's son but mine.

1Wanda1 Tue 01-Jan-19 08:59:55

It's a great thing to do.

You have to be under 35. It's anonymous in this country.

Basperandmoo Tue 01-Jan-19 09:35:33

Very insightful reply and I really appreciate the view of someone who’s been through it, particularly a recipient.

I’m very happy to hear that it worked for you and that you reached your dream.

Lauren83 Tue 01-Jan-19 10:25:37

Thanks so much, it was actually the 3rd donor that worked for me, the first 2 were in the UK so ID release at 18 and the one that worked was abroad so fully anon. I feel hugely hugely grateful to all the donors and bought them all gifts and wrote thank you cards and received a letter in return which reassured me she sounded a lovely person but for me anon appealed as I didn't want to look at my child and see the donor in him so I preferred to have never seen her, I will make sure he grows up knowing about the amazing women that helped us.

For me all I requested was brunette but I know others like to match on all physical characteristics plus education/occupation where possible but I guess it comes down to where you sit with the whole nature vs nurture

If you are looking to get in touch with a potential recip there's a site called pride angel where donors can be matched with recipients although be warned theres a fair amount of time wasters on there

RedPandaFluff Tue 01-Jan-19 10:43:34

@Basperandmoo what an amazing thing you are doing - I had a really early menopause and needed donor egg IVF as a result, and I will be eternally grateful to the three donors who shared their eggs with me. Sadly none of the three cycles worked for me but I live in hope . . .

As PPs have said, you won't be able to meet your recipient but any children born as a result of your egg donation will be able to contact you when they turn 18. And you can find out if any children are born, I believe.

What I would say is, be careful which clinic you donate your eggs to. In some clinics, donors get paid around £750 to cover expenses, but the clinics charge recipients of donor eggs thousands of pounds and so profit hugely. One round of donor egg IVF for me is £12k - thousands more than a "normal" cycle using own eggs. I can't help but resent the fact that a kind woman like you who is altruistically donating eggs to help infertile women is basically a massive pound sign for the clinic!

Basperandmoo Tue 01-Jan-19 10:47:17

I think you’re completely right. I think that it’s such a personal choice that it’s not one size fits all. For you, anonymous works and for others it’s different. There’s no right or wrong.

Being a parent is much more than just the genes. It’s something that I understand even more since becoming a step-parent and a change of life’s plan is not something that you are prepared for.

I’ve discovered Pride Angel and it’s interesting. I think that Thursday will hold further answers for me once I’ve spoken to the clinic.

Basperandmoo Tue 01-Jan-19 10:56:08

I’m sorry that it didn’t work but I’m a believer in fate. Like you say, live in hope...

It’s funny that you should mention that as it had crossed my mind too, there’s a lot of money being paid out but not to the donor! Although it’s not about money to me, I’d do it without payment, I don’t think it’s right to make such huge amounts of money from situations such as this. However, I guess it’s the same with many lines of work when you break down the profit margins.

I’ve narrowed it down to one clinic so far based on their reviews on the HFEA website along with their birth rate being above the national average.

I hope that you still manage to realise your dream. X

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 Tue 01-Jan-19 11:00:02

How old are you?

I've donated eggs. I did it for altruistic reasons maybe they gave them to a duchess or maybe they gave them to a crack whore. Maybe it didn't even work. I'll probably never know nor do I want to.

ReaganSomerset Tue 01-Jan-19 11:12:05

This website may help :

www.weareeggdonors.com

There's also a Facebook group.

ItsLikeRainOnYourWeddingDay Tue 01-Jan-19 11:14:02

Can't advise but want to say what a wonderful thing you are willing to do.

Basperandmoo Tue 01-Jan-19 11:36:30

@ReaganSomerset

Thank you! I will definitely be having a read of that today.

Basperandmoo Tue 01-Jan-19 11:37:21

@ItsLikeRainOnYourWeddingDay

Thank you smile

Happy New Year.

HappyHedgehog247 Tue 01-Jan-19 11:46:19

It’s a wonderful thing you are doing. We are in the process of planning for treatment with a donor egg having had three failed rounds of IVF which they think is due to my eggs. UK clinics only offer eggs which are anonymous until the child is 18, but in some of the clinics you can get more information than others about the donor including a pen portrait or message from the donor. I would have loved a known donor so I could explain to the child more about their biological heritage. I think the clinic will pass a letter but it has to be anonymous through a clinic as this is the HFEA law.

PaintBySticker Tue 01-Jan-19 18:23:09

I understand the desire to meet. We have a child conceived with the help of an egg donor I would have liked to meet them, not to ‘vet them’ (as per comment above) but to get to know a bit more about them. This wasn’t allowed but I did ask to pass on messages about how grateful we were. Our donor didn’t leave any additional information about herself and I wish she had so that’s something you could do OP.

Basperandmoo Tue 01-Jan-19 20:40:34

@HappyHedgehog247 @PaintBySticker

Thank you for taking the time to reply, I really do appreciate the view of a recipient!

I feel exactly as you both say. There’s definitely a curiousity there and questions of heritage etc.

Until I speak with the clinic, I assume that it is all anonymous unless you approach the clinic with a known donor already in place.

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