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IVF - 3 ectopics 1 miscarriage- do I keep fighting?

(9 Posts)
KimmyB1986 Fri 21-Dec-18 23:10:00

Hi. This is first time I have openly spoke about my troubles to anyone other then my family and friends. Myself and my husband have been going through IVF for 8 years now. I have PCOS and do not ovulate or have periods so IVF was our only option. We have had 7 failed attempts resulting in 3 ectopics (2 ruptured tubes) so both have now been removed and then this week I miscarried. Each time I go through IVF I end up in hospital either with OHSS or ruptured tubes or this time a miscarriage. Each time it's scary dramatic and heartbreaking. We have no children. Our life's have been shattered again. Now I know ppl will tell me I'm young I have time on my hands (blah blah blah) however I don't and can't hear that. Our lives revolve around each other and wanting so desperately in becoming parents. I look at my husband and see the hurt and want in his eyes. I want him to become a dad and I already feel like a mum but with no child to mother. We still have 5 embryos left and I know it's far too soon to make a decision if we will try again. However I don't know how much more heartache I can take. I am strong and so is my husband it only hits me how much we have been through when the consultant/nurses/docs read my notes and look at me with sadness and say how do I keep going I've been through so much...we've tried counselling however they can't give me what I want which is a baby. We have spoken about adopting or even a surrogate however looking into surrogacy is a mine field and to be fair so adopting. I feel I can't give up just yet on carrying our own baby however I also feel I'm going insane by trying the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome. I'm not even sure what my question is apart from would you carry on? Would you keep trying? Or would you simply call it a day and look at another alternative?

kikisparks Sat 22-Dec-18 08:44:14

I’m so sorry sad a single miscarriage is heartbreaking but to go through what you have- you are a very brave, strong person.

Nobody here can tell you whether to keep going. That is the hardest question and one I’m not sure how I’ll answer if the first 3 Ivfs don’t work, as I don’t know if we’d afford a 4th (I’m still to be put on the waiting list for number 1). I think it’s just a continuing process of thinking about it and discussing with your husband.

I liked the Netflix documentary “one more shot” but if you’re feeling raw it will be a tough watch, it might help to see others go through the same kind of difficulties or it might just be upsetting. They show people who created their families in different ways and it made me feel optimistic at the time, as I’d do anything, but my husband has since ruled out any option other than a baby that is genetically ours. It may be a good idea to have some gentle discussions with your husband about this and see what page you are both on.

user877377 Sat 22-Dec-18 09:05:23

I'm sorry I can't give advice for this post but I really wish you the best OP. I would like to think I would give it another go in your position - but without going through what you have I just don't know. Can the doctors/nurses give you any direction, likelihood of IVF working etc?

What does your partner think? Wishing you all the best OP 💐

kikisparks Sat 22-Dec-18 09:47:09

Only other thing that has helped me is can you maybe have a holiday or do something lovely and child free and try and just get some couple time to focus on yourselves/ each other, even get a wee cottage in the U.K. and snuggle by the fire drinking hot drinks, reading books and going for walks? Or whatever appeals to you. I appreciate financially that might not be on the cards after paying for ivf though.

Botanica Sat 22-Dec-18 11:10:18

@Kimmy please also feel free to join us on a thread we created for those of us with multiple failures, still considering our futures.

3 or more failed IVF cycles? http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/infertility/3449684-3-or-more-failed-ivf-cycles

losingfaith Tue 25-Dec-18 11:44:16

Hi @KimmyB1986, so sorry for your losses.

I also have pcos and have been trying for many years. I'm 39 now and don't really have time on my hands.

I only get pregnant with assistance and am currently miscarrying (9 weeks, ivf pregnancy). Previous losses were conceived via clomid at 20 weeks, followers and an ectopic also resulting in emergency surgery.

I've been questioning whether to keep trying as I feel like I'm bashing my head against a brick wall and torturing myself so I know how you feel. My husband is also desperate to become a father and after a really crappy year thought we were going to end on a high (ha).

Only you know what will work for you. We've talked at length and think we will try again, but when we go back we're going to explore the possibility of preimplantation genetic screening. I know it won't improve chances of conceiving, but it may (we need to explore this) help with prospects IF we get pregnant - our clinic's stats for people in my age group that do this compared to those that don't are much better.

Take your time. Good luck.

twinkledag Tue 25-Dec-18 12:50:53

I'm so sorry to read your news @losingfaith

Blondeshavemorefun Thu 27-Dec-18 18:48:38

You have had a very rough deal

I may have this wrong but if no tubes then assume you can't have another atopic? So if you get preg then more chance that embryo if implants then hopefully be a viable pregnancy

Sorry if I got facts wrong

Only you can decide - you had 7 cycles and 4 successful as in implanted

Tho sadly not successful to be a baby

Sorry for your losses

So if I were you and had 5 embryos left I would def have some more fet

Yes it's awful when fails sad broke our hearts but the thought of ivf being successful and me being a mum was better then not trying again iyswim

FWIW I had 5 attempts at ivf - 3 fresh and 2 fet

The 5th was the only time I've ever got preg in 10yrs ttc

Dd is now 21mths

If the 5th had failed we have 3 embryos left and would have tried all 3 x

KimmyB1986 Thu 27-Dec-18 20:06:10

Thank you for everyone's messages I really wish the best for everyone. Life can be so unfair and so cruel at times. I think it's still so raw for us to make a decision. I know I'm petrified of it failing again or it being a positive but then it being an miscarriage or ectopic again. Unfortunately even with no tubes you can still have ectopic pregnancy in the stumps. I have 1cm stumps. I think 8 years of failed transfers any hopes and dreams have been shattered. this one has seriously knocked me back . My husband is extremely supportive and will stand by me and support me with what ever we decide. I wish we didn't get so attached to everyone embryo but then I guess that a way of hope for the future. X

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