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How to approach this?

(15 Posts)
sirmione16 Fri 16-Nov-18 21:27:13

I'm due any day now, and when LO is born (obviously not right away but after a few weeks or whatever) I plan on taking him in to my place of work. One of the women there has been struggling with IVF, she had been whilst I was pregnant, never shown any hostility towards me or anything, we're very civil to each other and good work colleagues.

But I know, from when I mc before, that seeing a newborn if your state of mind isn't right can bloody hurt emotionally. And I respect her and wouldn't want to make her feel uncomfortable or upset her... I mean, she may be fine and coo over him but in my mind it's a risk of hurting her... I'm only going off my personal journey - I've never gone through IVF but have been drained from years of trying, tests and mc. At one point I would've been a wreck if a friend had come in "showing off" her newborn /:

So here's where I need the advice.. is that unreasonable? Is that something I'm right to be considering? Should I avoid taking the baby in if I know she's working or is that mean to her and look bad (like I'm avoiding her or something)? Should I text and ask her if she would like to be there? If so how do I phrase that?

I am not tip toeing around her, not alienating her or making this out to be a big deal. I hope this post doesn't come across wrong...

I just respect her, I know how I felt before, and my whole point is that I don't want to upset her or make her uncomfortable so... i need to know others opinions of what they would've preferred happen in this situation.

Thank you in advance

physicskate Fri 16-Nov-18 21:29:04

Maybe send an email to everyone saying when you're coming round and she can excuse herself if she needs to.

sirmione16 Fri 16-Nov-18 21:30:50

@physicskate I work in a situation this isn't feasible... don't want to disclose too much but she couldn't not be around.. /:

Saltisford Fri 16-Nov-18 22:02:44

At my work, this has happened recently and I like to keep myself out of the way when it does. I won’t show I’m ‘hostile’ if I’m put in that position but at work I see it as a release and something to focus on other than fertility and babies doing their rounds does bring it to the forefront...

RedPandaFluff Fri 16-Nov-18 22:18:50

That's really considerate of you, @sirmione16. I have a lot in common with your colleague/friend but as much as this kind of situation hurts, I also feel that I need to be a good friend and not detract from the new mum's happiness.

I'm with Psychicskate and think you should send her a personal message saying when you're calling in and then it's her decision as to whether to make her excuses or be there.

Dudewheresmybaby Fri 16-Nov-18 22:26:23

This happened to me a few times at work - they told me or someone else when they were coming in by text and then I just put a fake meeting in my diary and made my excuses. I was really thankful I knew in advance. It's very nice of you to be so considerate smile

Donnas146 Sat 17-Nov-18 00:05:36

You sound so kind and considerate to think of someone else’s feelings like that at such a happy time in your life. If it were me i would probably ask her in person and see if she is ok with this and let her know I really do understand the pain it brings and just let her make the choice, if it’s too hard for her I’d try to schedule when she’s not in just by you asking her will
Probably make it feel less daunting and painful for her x

Lauren83 Sat 17-Nov-18 04:39:26

It's lovely of you to consider her feelings, I battled infertility for 9 years and had countless failed IVFs and MCs and didn't struggle around babies luckily so you don't know if she does so I really wouldn't email saying I understanding if you don't want to be there etc, I myself would find that really patronising, that's just my opinion BTW maybe some might appreciate an email like that.
I'm sure she can excuse herself or keep busy if she needs to, she will see babies everywhere she goes I would just not try to pass her the baby or anything. Good luck with the birth

Jent13c Sat 17-Nov-18 04:46:34

I personally didn't struggle with seeing babies. If I was friends with the mum I was happy to see them and how they were getting on and meet their new baby. I quite like babies and that was why I wanted one so badly! Also, I'd had 6 or so months knowing this baby was coming, there was no surprise. I think it's a completely normal thing to go into your work with your baby and unfortunately you may end up upsetting her more trying to spare her feelings as you dont really know what she is feeling, it's such a personal thing. If she really was struggling she could easy quickly say high then nip off to toilet/ or have an urgent task needing completed.

flumpybear Sat 17-Nov-18 05:39:00

I'd also send a personal message. People want to be treated differently, some don't want to engage, others, like me, didn't want to feel I was being side lined in case it hurt my feelings, best thing is to be open and up front in a nice, inclusive way but be prepared she may just say TBNT, and that's ok

Persipan Sat 17-Nov-18 06:26:45

I'd suggest you a) give advance warning of when you'll be visiting and b) if its at all possible, bring the baby to some space that isn't right in the middle of the work space. (Like, if there's a cafe or break room or some other out-of-the-way corner, go there, and then people can pop to see you.)

I think that for a few reasons. Firstly, as you clearly already know, it can be tough for people having fertility problems to be around babies. That's not universal - for me personally, I generally love them and will take any opportunity to hang out with a passing baby - but it does happen, and it can fluctuate (for example, if someone's just had a cycle fail, or had difficult news, they may be feeling more sensitive).

Secondly, just because you know about her situation, doesn't mean you know about everyone's. No one, literally no one in my workplace knows about my IVF or my miscarriages. It would probably not cross anyone's mind to think babies might be a sensitive thing for me. And yet, I've got all that stuff going on. To use your own example, when you were struggling to conceive, would people at work have known about that? Possibly you chose to confide in colleagues, but many people will have experienced difficulties which you may know nothing about. Over the course of my own fertility experiences I've come to the view that it's best to assume that babies could be a bittersweet topic for anybody, not just people I specifically know are currently having problems, and to proceed accordingly.

And then thirdly, just on a purely practical note, a baby in the middle of a workplace is a massive distraction and even if everyone is super-happy to see them in a general sense, it may be less than ideal to have one there, sometimes. (My last few days at work have been an epic hellscape and however much I like babies it just would have been really awkward for someone to come to the office with one).

So yeah. That's my general philosophy of baby visits to work. Congratulations and best wishes to you!

sirmione16 Sat 17-Nov-18 10:30:47

Thank you all so much for the replies.

I will definitely take the advice - give notice that I'll be in, and pop myself in a quiet corner somewhere. I do hope to breastfeed so could use this as the reason for staying out the way.

@Persipan great point about not knowing others situations, I hadn't even considered the fact others may be going through it silently. Even more reason now that I'll keep a "low profile" as such and just be there if people want to come say hi and have a cuddle.

shortgreengiraffe Sat 17-Nov-18 19:09:00

I wish others were as considerate as you, OP.

AliceScarlett Sat 17-Nov-18 19:11:26

So kind of you. I'm swamped by baby talk at work, it drives me to distraction.

sirmione16 Sun 18-Nov-18 23:00:54

@AliceScarlett bless you sad can be so hard. And then when you don't participate in the baby talk it makes you worried people are judging you or as if you're coming across rude but in truth it just hurts to talk about all that /:

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