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Avoiding in laws

(11 Posts)
Donnas146 Wed 14-Nov-18 22:46:40

Hi I’ve been ttc for 7 years ( my hubby has severe male infertility)
This is going to sound like I’m being irrational but I can’t help it.
So my mil and his step father always asked when we were going to have kids and told me I’m getting old (I’m 27 ffs) It never used to bother me so much but this past year it has really got t me ever since my sil (hubbys brother gf) announced her pregnancy ever since then I can’t be around them at all. I’ve seen them a few times and feel like I’m having an anxiety attack as I can’t stand to hear anything about her or her pregnancy ( I’ve never liked her due to issues before all this) plus she got pregnant out of attention which again is off topic. I know Christmas is coming up and I have to see them it’s even started to affect mine and dh relationship as he thinks I don’t like them. In a way I do love his family I’ve known them a long time and they are apart of my dh but I just can’t stand the questions or nasty comments they make ( there very immature and harsh in there comments) I feel like also seeing sil pregnant as she is due soon is going to really upset me as even seeing pregnant people I don’t k ow does knock me down these days I feel like I’m going crazy any advice to stop feeling like this and just be normal again

Bananacloud Thu 15-Nov-18 10:34:37

I’m so sorry you’re gone through this. Have you considered other options, like ivf? I mean if you have then I’m sorry but you shouldn’t t let people make you feel like that. Maybe save for a holiday or something else that would mean you have something to look forward to xx

Bananacloud Thu 15-Nov-18 10:35:19

*going 🙄

Donnas146 Thu 15-Nov-18 10:55:15

Hi @Bananacloud
Yes we’re going to need ivf we have just been referred for further testing at the hospital. I’m trying to think to myself we are now doing something about it and kind of got the ball rolling after all the years trying and I’m trying to relax but I can’t becuase honestly I’m so jealous that they have something we just can’t seem to. I know millions of people are pregnant and have babies every day it’s just being around them two I can’t stand it. I’m worried they will notice if I’m upset or anxious as I don’t want them to now something is up as his family don’t now anything about it and we wouldn’t want them to as there horrible x

Rachelover40 Thu 15-Nov-18 11:05:58

Tell your family to butt out. This is entirely your business and it is wrong for anyone else to make a deal out of you not having children. Speak plainly but politely, it's not something you are prepared to discuss. People are tactless, they just don't think before opening their mouths.

You're only 27 for goodness sake. Hope you have a happy life regardless of whether or not you have children. flowers

30birthdayholiday Thu 15-Nov-18 12:06:00

You maybe don't want to do this, but have you thought of just telling them you are TTC and that it's a sensitive subject so could they please stop asking? Maybe briefly explain the difficulties? And that you are finding your SIL pregnancy difficult so you might not be your normal self for a while.

30birthdayholiday Thu 15-Nov-18 12:06:48

Oh sorry, just saw your update. That's a horrible situation for you to be in, I'm sorry.

Donnas146 Thu 15-Nov-18 19:25:42

It’s not so much the fact that she’s pregnant as I would be being irrational lots of my friends are pregnant at the moment and my cousins wife who is in her late 40s just had her 7th! Accident of course 🙄but I’ve been fine with them I can face them ( I do feel a bit down after) it’s I find I can’t actually face my husbands family at all and I’ve avoided them for ages and they’ve already asked why I don’t see them anymore as before I was quite close to mil. It’s the comments and nastiness of his brothers that gets me down they will make comments such as we can’t have kids or my husbands got none and laugh about it and ever since then I haven’t been able to face them my husband doesn’t seem bothered by the comments ( think deep down he is) I don’t know why I can’t face them I feel too anxious in case they say something again and I will fall apart or get angry

Donnas146 Thu 15-Nov-18 19:27:22

Just wanted to add I was close to mil I spoke to her most days before but she made a comment and that’s why I can’t face her either anymore she said (at a family gathering) sil is her favourite now as she’s giving me grandkids and everyone laughed I don’t actually really care as I now how immature and childish she sounds she’s nearly 60 ffs who says things like that? But it does hurt that I can’t conceive when they say things like that

HRMC87 Tue 20-Nov-18 16:21:14

I completely understand. We have been TTC for 4 years and just got married so we are asked all the time by both sides of my family when we will have children. All of my siblings and step siblings have at least 2 children each and fall pregnant very easily or without even trying. My step sister just had twins and had the audacity to complain all the way through her pregnancy to me about having 2 children to take care of instead of 1 and it broke my heart. I have avoided meeting them yet and have made excuses at every opportunity. I have also distanced myself from a friend who also had fertility issues but did conceive but I can’t stand hearing about her little boy. My very close family know about my infertility but my in-laws don’t and the rest of my family don’t and I don’t want to tell them because 1) I don’t want their pity 2) I don’t want them to tell me to ‘relax and forget about it and it will happen and 3) I just don’t like talking about it full stop. I also don’t want them to say ‘why didn’t you just tell us’ because I will want to say ‘because it’s none of your husiness’ My husbands mum kept asking all the time and because I struggle to talk about it he had a chat with her and explained and asked her not to ask anymore and she hasn’t but I can tell she wants to ask questions. I find it really insensitive when people ask about when I will have children, why don’t they think to themselves ‘maybe they can’t have children’ or ‘maybe they have made a life choice not to have children’.

But maybe, as my husband did to his mum for me, he could just take them to one side and explain and say that you don’t mean to be distant and you don’t want to talk about it but this is why and you hope they understand and they more than likely will even if it doesn’t feel like it on our end.

Donnas146 Wed 21-Nov-18 16:06:54

Hi ladies Thankyou so much for your replies
Me and oh had a row the other night as I am finding it all too much and getting very deeply depressed about it all. Coming up to the 7 year mark is horrible and I’m finding it really hard to even be around my own family now. I’ve got a counselling session next week so going to give that a go as I’m finding nothing is taking my mind of it anymore. We’ve got a meal to go to with Ohs family in December and I’m anxious now as it is but I know if I don’t go I’ll probsbly never be able t face them again and I think it’s causing strain in our relationship as it is. Thanks for your advice about telling them but there really not the people I’d want to know about it they will only make fun and I can’t handle it I love my oh I don’t know how he came from such an ugly hearted family! X

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