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Is it just me that gets angry?

(47 Posts)
bob1985 Mon 29-Oct-18 13:09:04

Is it just me that gets really angry reading through the comments on articles re NHS provision of ivf and fertility treatment?

There just seem to be so many ignorant people out there. It's always the same (sometimes illogical ) comments.

For example:

1) It's all the woman's fault for leaving it too late. (Because there are no other issues that might make it difficult/impossible to conceive and male factor obviously doesn't play any kind of part)
2) just adopt (which is of course exactly the same as having biological children - also did you adopt? No, why not?)
3) you can't afford a kid if you can't afford ivf (don't even get me started on the over simplification going on here )
4) it's not natural (just plain ignorance)

I could go on......

Point is there should be fair (not unlimited) access on the nhs

thisisouryrfx18 Mon 29-Oct-18 13:54:22

@bob1985 infertility is turning me into an angry bitter and twisted person..i get angry with everything recently.

Sunshine19 Tue 30-Oct-18 08:34:29

No @bob1985 it’s not only you that gets angry. It’s swings and roundabouts most months for me! Not sure if that’s a mix of hormones too tho? I often get the “you better get a move on” when a pal or colleague announces pregnancy news 🙄 I get nipped at the ignorance of people (sometimes family) that think IVF will automatically fix me and all my unexplained infertility will be cured once and for all!
I think that unless they have someone go thru it or even themselves they just don’t get it 🤷🏼‍♀️ My sis had her wee boy a few weeks ago and when we all met up for breakfast last week kept going on about how her pal is raging she got pregnant after her man had the snip! Of course I lost it and it took a while and the penny dropped with her..yep! Bitter and Twisted deffo me to a T! One mention of a “mistake” or “we weren’t really trying” grinds ma gears!! 🤬
Meanwhile we’re all on here wondering when we’re going to be next 😩🤷🏼‍♀️ Xox

kikisparks Tue 30-Oct-18 08:47:50

I get so angry at these comments too! Yet alcohol or obesity or smoking related illnesses are covered (as I agree they should be) but they think something which is not the fault of the individual should not be covered? If you’ve “left it too late” you generally won’t get ivf as nhs ivf is usually limited or not available to women in their late 30s and 40s (and in any event many people have very valid reasons they can’t TTC earlier).

Also not offering ivf on nhs would likely increase levels of mental health problems because infertility is shown to have the same levels of trauma as a close bereavement.

And don’t get me started on “just adopt” angry

Cherries101 Tue 30-Oct-18 08:57:48

My sis kept saying why don’t I adopt until the day she accidentally said it in front of her daughter and son — all of a sudden neice piped up that I should adopt her because she hates mummy and loves me hmm

AliceScarlett Tue 30-Oct-18 10:58:33

I get angry too. I think we are justified in our feelings.

ODZFODZ Tue 30-Oct-18 11:12:57

The people who make these comments are utter arseholes with an inability to empathise. I have no idea why infertility, which is as much an illness than any other, is seen as 'fair game' in terms of people letting their mouths go.

thisisouryrfx18 Tue 30-Oct-18 13:38:23

Yous are all soo right unless youve been through it ppl just dnt get it. The whole putting your life on hold, trying to stay positive to only be kicked in the teeth time and time again! @kikisparks it is such a grieving process isnt it? Ive lost close family members and it is very painful but we re grieving for a life and a future that everyone else seems to take for granted. There are days i feel like i could honestly strangle ppl, i dont want to be this person but im just soo angry that i cant just have a simple life..everythings soo bloody complicated and about waiting waiting and more waiting!

thisisouryrfx18 Tue 30-Oct-18 13:39:16

Sorry rant over i do realise that i sound like a complete headcase😧

MaisyPops Tue 30-Oct-18 13:45:02

Thank you for this post.

The other one that irritates me is when people openly admit to not taking their pill properly or having unprotected sex and then say "oh it's such a surprise we're expecting!! We must just be super fertile".
No. You're not. You've knowingly had unprotected sex or chosen not to use contraception. Please stop acting like you have some magical fertility powers Susan.

bob1985 Tue 30-Oct-18 14:01:10

I think the one that gets to me the most is the 'just adopt' stance

Adoption is wonderful and I think people who do it are amazing. But you 100% need to be the right person/couple for it. It's so different and might not be the right path for everyone one.

Also the money ones...so we are just meant to find however many thousands of pounds lying around to pay up front for treatment AND the normal costs of a baby/child. It also ignores the fact that costs of raising a child can be controlled/tailored to your circumstances- for example buying second hand, help from family with childcare etc etc.

kikisparks Tue 30-Oct-18 14:02:52

@thisisouryrfx18 not at all this should be a safe place to rant, we get it.

thisisouryrfx18 Tue 30-Oct-18 14:04:28

@bob1985 exactly i planned on when to start ttc and had a little nest egg for a pram cot etc not 10s of thousands do these ppl not realise ivf is at least£6000 a round im not rich!

thisisouryrfx18 Tue 30-Oct-18 14:09:27

@kikisparks i know i just feel like im losing my mind recently with all this crap. The bottom line is i guess we all naively thought it would just happen, everyone warns you about gettin pregnant no one warns u that it might not happen! ive had bad periods all my life typical nhs they dnt want to do tests to find out the cause just take the pill theres your solution

ODZFODZ Tue 30-Oct-18 14:16:11

The adoption thing is completely maddening. You see comments on message boards castigating people for having IVF when there are 'so many unwanted babies'. Why don't the people making the comments attempt to adopt then? It's such a personal thing for relative strangers to suggest/ask about too.

bob1985 Tue 30-Oct-18 14:24:17

I sometimes find myself laughing when I think about the number of years me and DH were so 'careful' about contraception as it 'wasn't the right time'. Ha! If only we knew....it's laugh or cry situation (sometimes cry)

thisisouryrfx18 Tue 30-Oct-18 14:35:23

@bob1985 i know! We had a condom burst one time n i was stressing out this was about10 yrs ago i thought im not ready pppfft if only i knew

thisisouryrfx18 Tue 30-Oct-18 14:38:34

I mentioned on another thread i might change my name to bitternbarren or 2fingers22018 that sums up how i feel atm..like u said if i dnt try n laugh i ll scream

mouse1234567 Tue 30-Oct-18 21:03:48

I had a friend who whilst telling me his wife was pregnant explained that it was “a bit bad as we didn’t know for a while and we were on holiday and she was drinking.” Obviously they had only just started ttc.

What a dream it would be to idly be enjoying your holidays getting drunk and not be counting your dpo every 5 minutes for test day. I feel like I haven’t had a proper drink in years!!

AniSL Fri 02-Nov-18 14:58:29

The comments about adopt as there are so many unwanted babies, FFS go tell them to stop having unwanted babies then.
The left it too late ones really pisses me off, I was told by my fertility consultant thay I shouldn't have left it so late until 34, well she could just go and do one, didn't bother looking at my notes and understand we had MFI and so sorry that I wanted to get married and buy and house so I could have a stable environment to raise a child!!!

2fingers22018 Fri 02-Nov-18 15:50:52

@AniSL Exactly i take the task of having a baby very serious i wasnt going to try until i was financially stable

Maroon85 Fri 02-Nov-18 17:42:13

The ignorance of some people astounds me.
A huge proportion of people who struggle to conceive at 35 would have done so at 25. I started TTC at 23 so people can go screw themselves with their "maybe you should have started trying earlier" comments!
I don't personally see anything wrong with asking if someone would be willing to consider adoption but telling them to "just adopt". Like it's even that easy anyway!!!
Actually, we wanted to adopt. We tried to before we ever underwent any fertility treatment but there aren't very many children needing adoption. That is a complete lie. Those that are needing homes are much older, sibling groups and have complex needs. We were young, had support and very flexible jobs and were willing to take those children but were still told it would be a flat no unless one of us gave up work full time.

2fingers22018 Fri 02-Nov-18 17:55:05

@Marron85 its very individual isnt it? i think i could adopt but as u said its not an easy process were they just say yes to everyone, tje thought of having your life under a microscope seems quite scary im a private person. Do you mind me asking what kind of questions do they ask? X

ClaryFray Fri 02-Nov-18 19:12:02

My mum's favourite lines to feed me '' be thankful for the one you've got'' whose now older and no longer needs me. Whose baby years are over.

Or her other stick to beat me with 'just get a dog"

I also had to leave the room today at work because the women were talking about their births with a pregnant lady due this month. I get so angry over everything now days. I hate who I'm turning into but I'm powerless to stop it.

Maroon85 Fri 02-Nov-18 19:47:23

@2fingers22018 we didn't get that far because they wouldn't take our application further if we'd both be working full time.
You're right it is very individual. Our friend adopted around the time we wanted to and they both work full time. But they live in a completely different area and although they do work, they could easily afford for one of them to give up work if necessary whereas we couldn't. And because they go through your finances in a lot of detail there's no way you can convince them you could afford it if you can't!

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