Page 2 | Advice with how to approach a colleague starting IVF

(32 Posts)
Martini123 Thu 25-Oct-18 19:39:06

Hi All,

First of all, I hope I am putting this topic in the right area.

Two years ago the person I manage lost her child to stillbirth and earlier this year experienced an ectopic pregnancy. Earlier this year I experienced a miscarriage and together we were being very much there for each other.

I am now pregnant again, just as my colleague has been told she will need to start IVF. She's very down and upset by this news but soon I'm going to have to tell her I'm pregnant again. I'm currently 7w 5d. I was about to tell her last week so that she could have some time to get used to the situation before other colleagues found out but I know how low she is feeling and I don't want to make her feel worse.

What would you do? Wait until 12 weeks so she still has time to get used to her own situation or tell her now so she has time to settle with our situation.

I really want to do what is best by her and remain sensitive to her situation - she's so lovely and deserves all the babies she wants. It's such a heartbreaking situation.

Any advice gratefully received. Xx

OP’s posts: |
Cherries101 Sat 27-Oct-18 13:06:01

Not eggs embryos

PhoebeMouse Sat 27-Oct-18 15:53:05

I agree that a kind text is a good idea. I experienced similar with a work colleague where we were both starting our journeys at fertility clinics at the same time and had arranged a lunch together to chat about things. Of course when the lunch came around she was pregnant, and told me as we sat down. The lunch was agony for me, especially as she explained how she was booking an 8 week scan because you can see a heartbeat then (when I had told her how I’d miscarried at 8 weeks not long before). And just talked about it for the whole lunch! I’m sure there’s no way you would be so insensitive from what you’ve said but no matter how kind she would’ve been I felt trapped on that lunch and just wanted it, and the whole work day, to end so I could be at home. She also kept following up with emails to ask how my clinic appointments were coming along and I didn’t feel like I could share what I was going through with her anymore. So my advice would be definitely the text and then just giving her space and letting her come to you when she wants to/needs to ask for time off for her appointments. It’s an awful time but also be kind to yourself - you deserve your happiness! And I hope her IVF is a success.

Crusoe Sun 28-Oct-18 14:09:23

Personally I would have hated to hear by text - was I so unapproachable that someone couldn’t tell me in person.
Twice colleagues of mine gently took me aside and told me their happy news. I cried both times but I’m so glad they told me in person not by a cold impersonal text.
It might make it easier for you but not necessarily the recipient.
I guess you know your friend best though.

Buenavista Wed 31-Oct-18 14:56:09

Original OP, I agree a text enables you to process the hurt first before being happy for someone else. I’d also share your worries about it’s early etc (maybe once you do talk) - it’s far easier to process and support someone else at the earlier stage than be hit with happy news post 12 wks

Martini123 Sun 04-Nov-18 16:26:08

Thank you everyone for all your words of wisdom, I've really agonised over this one as on one hand a text seemed impersonal but I also understand that it is also useful as a way to allow some feelings to be processed.

I have had a tricky week and have had two separate emergency scans due to bleeding and I really felt like I couldn't lie to my colleague about why I was off work so much so I had to text her in the end. She's been very supportive by text but I have yet to see her since as I'm still bleeding (and am terrified) but I've said to her that I also do not want to put any pressure on her to be a part of this experience with me and I'll be guided by her.

The scans say the baby is fine but I know bleeding is not normal and as my MMC was so recent, I'm now just trying to find ways not to worry completely.

Thank you all for your support xx

OP’s posts: |
Martini123 Wed 14-Nov-18 20:39:18

After all that, I thought I'd let you know that I found out I've miscarried again.

OP’s posts: |

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JeNeBaguetteRien Wed 14-Nov-18 21:19:07

Oh Martini very sorry to hear this sad news. Please look after yourself as best you can 💐

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