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Colleague's miscarriage - possible trigger

3 replies

physicskate · 15/10/2018 12:54

Dear all,

I found so much solace on this board over the years, and so now I seek your advice. I started a new job this summer while in the early stages of (an IVF) pregnancy. I really like this new job and have been getting on well with the people I work with.

I really bonded with one colleague when she announced she was 8 weeks from an IVF pregnancy after several rounds. Her scan showed a heartbeat but was a few days behind. This was their last shot. We talked at length about how it was great she was still in with a chance and how I still feel like that, though I am now further on.

I've now been informed that she suffered a miscarriage over the weekend when she should have been nearly 10 weeks. I am now 19+3. I feel like shit. I know there is absolutely nothing I can say or do to make it better - but I am so worried that my growing bump will just set her off. I fear how my very presence will make her feel, hence why I feel (irrationally) guilty.

I've been in her shoes and I had to leave my job and not speak to the women who had the gall to get pregnant when I had my miscarriages.

Any advice now that the shoe is on the other foot?? I am so sorry if anything I have said is upsetting to anyone else... I'm kind of a mess...

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Justincase87 · 15/10/2018 13:24

I think the most important thing is to take her lead - remember how you have felt in these situations and recognise that whatever emotions she feels, and how she acts, will be aimed at the situation, not at you.

I found out I was pregnant in March, and we told people at 6 weeks (which in hindsight wasn't a great idea). Unbeknown to us, our dear friends were starting their second and thankfully successful IVF cycle at the same time as we told them. We then lost our baby at 12 weeks, they announced their pregnancy to us 8 weeks after we lost the baby (very sensitively etc), their due date was a month and a bit after ours, so they knew they were pregnant as we lost ours. Whilst I was really happy for her, I had to be really honest and tell her that I couldn't see her for a while, and because of her past experience of struggling to get pregnant she was so unbelievably understanding and that really helped. When I finally saw her, it was really nice to just be able to say "well this is a bit weird isn't it" and talk through how we were both feeling.

I think you need to be prepared for her to find it difficult, but don't pre-empt how she might feel too much. If you're in contact now I would send a message saying how sorry you are, and that you're here in whatever capacity she wants you to be there. I don't know what kind of work you do or how much contact you have with your colleague, but I would say that for me personally I feel ok being around my friend now, and can acknowledge her pregnancy, without having to discuss the intricacies. Let her ask you questions if she wants to and just be sensitive (we have another friend who likes to drop into conversation how easy her pregnancies were at any opportunity, and has absolutely zero thought to how her comments may make other people feel). I think the fact that you are worried shows that you care, and that you will deal with the situation a lot better than you think. Speaking to my friend made me realise that even though she's pregnant, she's been through so much to get there, and still can't accept that she's going to get a baby at the end of her pregnancy, and hopefully your friend will have that perspective and understanding of your experience too, even if she can't show that immediately.

It's ok to feel guilty - but you haven't done anything wrong and ultimately how people react to these situations is their choice too.

Sorry if this is a bit of a ramble, but I hope it helps somehow.

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Justincase87 · 15/10/2018 13:33

Sorry, I've just realised this is in infertility not miscarriage/loss - I recognise that my experience will be different having experienced a loss, rather than infertility.

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physicskate · 15/10/2018 13:54

It's about both, really. Now she and I have experienced both, but I am now (seemingly) successfully pregnant. My 20 week scan is a week on Monday...

If I were in her shoes I would probably want absolutely nothing to do to me... and I would avoid that other person as much as I possibly could. Should be mostly do-able.

I'm so upset for her and the pregnancy hormones don't help.