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Can you feel happy for friends who announce they’re pregnant?

(54 Posts)
Blankspace4 Sat 13-Oct-18 11:16:42

Well....just that really!

A couple of days ago a close friend announced in a group chat that she was 16 weeks pregnant. I don’t live locally so haven’t seen her in that time, so no reason to ‘suspect’ anything and has come as a complete shock.

I can’t feel happy for her but the guilt I feel feels toxic and horrible. Just adds to my feelings of helplessness and uselessness.

All but one of that group of friends now has a baby or is pregnant. I’m due to go away with them in a fortnights time and now don’t want to go. Help sad

honeyskye Sat 13-Oct-18 11:17:59

No. It made me feel like a horrible person but I felt resentful.

Tunnockssnowballs Sat 13-Oct-18 11:41:39

It’s a tricky one because I want to feel happy for them but I don’t. I’ve had to distance myself from friends with kids/pregnant friends and pregnant people in general. It’s the best thing for my metal health so I don’t feel bad about it. Unfortunately I have lost one friend during this time as she was just so insensitive and thoughtless and she totally lacked any empathy. Infertility is a horrible thing to go through so you have to do the best thing for you and if that means not going on a trip with these people then it might be the best. And also for your friendships in the future. Most people who haven’t been through infertility have no idea and usually say shitty things in my experience.

goodlordwhathappened Sat 13-Oct-18 11:43:45

No, I try to but it's hard. One 'friend' told me with a big grin on her face and said 'I don't want you to cry on me but...' she knew I had just mcarried that week. I am NC with her now. Not because of her pregnancy but because she was so delighted to tell me she completely disregarded my feelings.

goodlordwhathappened Sat 13-Oct-18 11:44:31

Sorry that sounds like she shouldn't be delighted obviously she should but it just felt like she got too much pleasure in telling me when she knew I had just lost mine x

Tunnockssnowballs Sat 13-Oct-18 11:49:55

@goodlordwhathappened that’s horrible she sounds so cruel

goodlordwhathappened Sat 13-Oct-18 11:55:38

@Tunnockssnowballs weirdly she has been through 2 mc herself so I thought she would have been the most understanding but nope! After she told me all she would talk about was baby and how awful the pregnancy was etc. I'm sure she is suffering but I don't need to know that. Anyway after weeks I stopped all contact. I just couldn't do it without feeling like a bitter cow.

Tunnockssnowballs Sat 13-Oct-18 12:09:14

@goodlordwhathappened to be honest it makes it even worse given what she’s been through! She must know how hurt that would make you. sorry you had to deal with that xx

goodlordwhathappened Sat 13-Oct-18 12:14:11

Ah that's life isn't it :-) we learn as we go through these things who we need to keep around us and who we need to let go :-) the last two years I have made my friendship group smaller but a hell of a lot more important :-)

Blankspace4 Sat 13-Oct-18 12:35:59

This friend hasn’t done anything wrong by announcing though, she’s left it about as late as she could have to announce, and definitely not in a braggy/insensitive way so I feel so guilty and vile that I can’t be happy for her.

goodlordwhathappened Sat 13-Oct-18 13:19:21

That's still understandable though. I think when people say they are pregnant my first thought is why not me? It's not fair. We are only human at the end of the day and when you are desperate to have something someone else getting it is always going to make you have a range of emotions xx

Guio Sat 13-Oct-18 13:54:01

I feel the same,my friend became pregnant very quickly after a year in a relationship and when she gave the news by message as she lives in a different country I didn't congratulate her,it took me 3 months and I avoided her in summer.it is sad we have to act like this but the idea of seeing her belly made me feel anxious...also have another friend in a relationship and I have lost contact with her as I am afraid that one day she will give me the news...is this normal?is the only friend I have left in my country and I really don't understand myself!!

Rebecca36 Sat 13-Oct-18 13:57:04

If they were happy to be pregnant I was happy too, why not?

Tunnockssnowballs Sat 13-Oct-18 14:18:56

Rebecca36 it’s great that you are able to do that. No possible for everyone though and it’s nothing to feel ashamed about. Infertility often causes major mental health issues.

sandytoes84 Sat 13-Oct-18 18:44:35

My friend circle has decreased over the years because of this. The friends I realise are the closest are those who gave a sensitive heads up before announcing.

Some people who know our situation get a little nervous. My sister incredibly insensitively told me about her unplanned by sending a pic of her positive test!

I have found it gets easier over the months/years. My advice would be to accept that feeling happy for others can feel incredibly sad for yourself. Also, look at the bigger picture - would you swap your whole life for theirs just to be pregnant? Chances are you wouldn’t want their oh, house, relatives, job etc.

And don’t feel bad about feeling bad - every emotion is valid and you have the right to feel pissed off at the unfairness of it all!

sal1987 Sat 13-Oct-18 21:07:10

I completely understand your pain and feeling not able to congratulate.

My friend announced she was pregnant in a group chat and another one already warning me another announcement is on its way, I'm already trying to think of the response to not sound too heartbroken In my own life but happy for them!! It helps having amazing friends who support and understand the bfn and the pain it brings each month!!

I have been through so much heartache over the past year with bfn, this app has really helped me to understand I'm not on my own and there are always people to support you even though they don't even know anything about you!!!

You're not alone and your feelings are not uncommon!!

Botanica Mon 15-Oct-18 00:14:31

It's a horrible feeling isn't it, even when you want to be happy for people.

You do need to put your own mental health and well-being first though and if you need to create some space to protect yourself, do it and don't feel bad.

Like a few of the posters above, I also lost my best friend this year because of this, and we are now NC.

I was miscarrying my baby and she selfishly texted me whilst it was happening, knowing the state I was in, to tell me she was 17 weeks gone. Despite labouring and in pain, I went into shock and lost consciousness. I cannot forgive what she did.

If people cannot afford you the sensitivity you need, you are better off without them in your lives.

Dia12 Mon 15-Oct-18 09:20:50

Where the hell do I go to avoid the incessant news of meghan Markle’s pregnancy 🙈
gosh, they must have tried for all of 5 minutes!! I’m the same age and have been struggling 3 years.

I feel awful reacting this way but I really just want to scream WHAT THE F**K!!!!!!!!!!! 😭

Tunnockssnowballs Mon 15-Oct-18 09:48:13

Oh god Megan Markle is pregnant? Urgh typical.

snifflesnifflesnore Mon 15-Oct-18 09:50:03

No I feel nothing but resentment and fucked off at own body.

LASH38 Mon 15-Oct-18 10:08:25

I think the problem is that you feel happy for others but sad for yourself. Infertility is an all consuming, devastating roller coaster of hope and despair, those affected have to be kind to themselves.

I hope this reads with the intention that I mean it to:

I’m currently pregnant after almost a decade of IVF and miscarriages, I’ve had the feelings above and in some ways still do.

I surprised myself this morning with the royal news by feeling a twinge of resentment that it was (I assume) so easy for them and the dread of wall to wall coverage. It’s horrible, but then my experiences have been too and I am o my human.

LASH38 Mon 15-Oct-18 10:10:25

Sorry that so long, what I’m trying to say is, be kind to yourselves.

OP - I wouldn’t go on that holiday. I would have a contagious illness that I wouldn’t want to spread. It’s not nice but even with the most sensitive of friends (which in the main my friends have been), I just wouldn’t do it to myself. I don’t think I would now actually.

Guio Mon 15-Oct-18 10:11:00

I just can't believe it!they got married in April how is it possible?I feel sad 😖

Tunnockssnowballs Mon 15-Oct-18 10:26:40

LASH38 Thanks and congratulations. Any ivf tips? I’m due to start in the new year.

Guio It’s made me sad too

Tunnockssnowballs Mon 15-Oct-18 10:27:05

Oh and they got married in May 😫

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