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I don't even know what to feel anymore

(17 Posts)
DontCareBear Wed 10-Oct-18 08:23:55

Hi guys,

Does anybody else just feel numb about all of this now? I do, I think because I try not to think about any of it anymore. Pretend its not what I want and its not happening. Erase it from my thoughts - except for the involuntary snipets that attack me when I am sitting on the train on my way to work or when I get into bed at night and I cant stop myself from Googling metformin, pco, pcos, chances of success, how long, statistics, chances of failure. Apart from that I block it all out.

Until you hear that your sister is preg after her and her husband stopped using contraception for the first time. Im happy but Im sad. Im glad for her, I was the one that told her not to wait in case she had to go through this hell. So I am glad she took my advice but it is hard. I had a cry last night. But I told myself to snap out of it.

And now it is the morning after. I dont know what to feel anymore. It all seems so pointless. She was telling me about how she has to take folic acid and I said I have been taking it for 3 years. I wanted to scream but I didnt, I would never want her to feel like she cant talk to me and I want her to enjoy this journey that I may never experience.

Infertility. What a b****.

FingersXssd83 Wed 10-Oct-18 17:26:28

Agreed. It's utter shite.

I've not even stated my first round of IVF yet and I've had my fill. We've been trying for 18 months so nothing in comparison to some ladies on here.

Good and bad days come and go. Today's been a particularly rough one.

Try to be kind to yourself no matter how difficult it can be 💕

Guio Wed 10-Oct-18 17:39:13

Totally agree.after 2 years trying I am waiting for my IVF to start and I am freaking out... the only place where I get distracted is work but my colleagues bring sometimes the babies to the office and I can't look to them specially new borns.I had up and downs in the past but o l never felt this s* before

NV42 Thu 11-Oct-18 14:30:27

I agree so much. I am 42 and I am fully aware that I might not get pregnant even with IVF.

Not only am I overwhelmed finding the right clinic, concerned where I will find the money if the bill ends up much higher than originally estimated and so stressed that as I am 42 and I have lost any chance of becoming ever a mother... but on top of that I do curse myself for not having children when I was younger (I had foolishly an abortion at 35 from natural conception as I was not with the right partner).

We haven't even selected a clinic yet, my partner and we are not even living together yet as we live in different towns and has two kids from a previous relationship. He also does not share the same worries/stress as me as he already has kids.. So this journey also feels kind alone..

I cry inside me when I see him with his kids and he is not able to give me the emotional support I need for this journey and understand the urgency of it.

I cry when people bring babies at work, spending time with my friends and their children.. I love them to pieces but inside me I feel so alone and that I messed up my life and it is all my fault.

And I end up feeling so lost and stressed and tired and alone regardless how intelligent I am and I know that I should remain calm and happy that I have my health..

So sorry but I do feel like I am loosing it.. I am going to an IVF clinic tonight, at an open evening they have and I am so scared...maybe because I am going alone.

FingersXssd83 Thu 11-Oct-18 15:14:24

Gosh @NV42 we have similar stories.

We had an abortion from when we met 10 years ago and to have moved on and done everything 'right' with jobs, house, marriage etc and to now have unexplained infertility feels like karma catching up on us.

I didn't sleep last night in turmoil about starting IVF. I'm so scared it'll fail and I don't think I'm strong enough emotionally to get through it.

NV42 Thu 11-Oct-18 15:37:48

@FingersXssd83

I hear you and I wish you from the bottoms of my heart the best of luck.

Sometimes you need to close your eyes and just do it. And deep inside I feel that the emotional strength will come as long as we take small steps each time and set small goals, each goal being each single step of the IVF treatment.

Have you found a clinic and confirmed when you are starting? If not, make this your first goal and take it step by step. This is what I am trying to do..

Feel free to pm me if you want to talk throughout this journey... good luck...

DontCareBear Thu 11-Oct-18 22:22:03

Gosh look how many of us there are and we are only a fraction of the couples going through this!

I have had time to process now and feel more positive again. I suppose that is all we can do in our positions - hope that one day it will be our turn.

@NV42 and @FingersXssd83 - I hope you both get your happy ending and the IVF is successful. It is such a long and tough process even to get to this point. You are so strong to keep going - I also appreciate you sharing your stories so I and others dont feel so alone in all of this. We are giving Metformin 6 months before we consider IVF. We have to pay for it ourselves so it is a bit expensive so we have to exhaust all other options first.

@Guio same as above to you too. I hope IVF works for you and all the pain, patience (and impatience!) all pays off.

Thank you all for posting on this thread. Reading your posts provides some kind of sanity to something so utterly out of our control. We are in this together and we will soldier on.

Hopefully we will all post something wonderful one day soon x

Runner31 Tue 16-Oct-18 17:38:20

I feel numb all the time. I've just had my first ivf cycle and had 2 weeks of total elation at being pregnant for the first ever time only to be told at my 7 weeks scan it's likely an empty sac and to expect a miscarriage. After 5 years of trying I desperately hoped this year would be our year but I started the year with a dermoid cyst on my left ovary which lost its function as a result. With the pain of the cyst, the operation to remove it and then ivf with the hormone side effects and stress I realised I've only felt normal for about 2 months this year. I feel like a walking marshmallow. Everything just bounces off me and I've become immune to fun and laughter. Social life has gone as I've decided it's no longer fun to be the only one not drinking which is going to be hell again at Christmas. Still, at least my liver and kidneys are healthier.

DontCareBear Tue 16-Oct-18 18:14:19

@Runner31 I am so sorry to hear that. I cannot imagine the disappointment, as like you previously, I have never had a positive pregnancy test either. Will you have a second round of IVF? Is it a common occurrence for there to be an empty sac? Fingers crossed that they got it wrong and you defy all odds (but at the same time I know how difficult it is to remain hopeful when faced with unrelenting disappointment sad). Yes infertility seems to infect all aspects of life - gym, holidays, family time, nights out. It is never the same as it was pre ttc and is always tinged with a muted feeling of hopelessness and envy. Everything just seems unfair. I have gotten to the stage where I just cant be bothered caring about it anymore. But we will still try, just in case one month we manage to get lucky.

I really hope that you feel better soon and manage to strike it lucky despite what the doctors say xxx

Runner31 Tue 16-Oct-18 18:30:47

Thank you so much for the kind words. I was always worried about ivf and the impact it would have on me but I wasnt expecting to feel this numb. I hate being all miserable about it but sometimes it gets the better of me.
I really want to get on to the next ivf cycle but the clinic have said it won't be till next February at the earliest because they're so busy. I think an empty sac is quite common, unfortunately because of the progesterone I've been taking with ivf I can't miscarry naturally. The clinic don't want me to stop it till after my next scan which will confirm everything. It's a horrible waiting game.

HRMC87 Fri 19-Oct-18 17:27:00

I feel you! We have been trying 4 years and I have 2 of my best friends walking around with big pregnant bellies complaining about how uncomfortable they are and one of my sisters is pregnant with twins, ‘a happy mistake’ she chuckles rolls eyes.

Sometimes I spend all evening in bed crying and some days I want to scream at people to shut up about their babies. It can be soul destroying and I honestly think I was happier when we stopped trying for 6 months to give myself an emotional break. Actually, that really worked but as soon as we started the fertility process again I was immediately stressed again.

The only thing that can sometimes make me feel better is to take a look at my life and to take a moment to feel happy about what I do have. I have a brilliant happy marriage, I have a lovely apartment, I have a job I enjoy and I have healthy happy nieces and nephews who I love to bits. Hopefully one day I can add to that by starting a family of my own but until then I’m going to cry in bed stuffing Krispy Kremes in my mouth...

DontCareBear Fri 19-Oct-18 18:10:21

Haha @HRMC87 you actually made me giggle with your krispie kreme comment grin How I would love to just stuff myself with krispie kremes right about now!

I have polycystic ovaries so am now trying the whole dairy, gluten, soy and sugar free diet plus 1500mg metformin. It is our last resort before having to seriously consider IVF.

I totally agree with you about feeling so much happier when you take a break from ttc and not thinking about it all. I have just booked 4 city breaks just because I am over it all. Im just going to eat right (so hard as all I can have is meat and vegetables sad) do exercise and not stress as much about it all if that is even possible.

This was the first month on metformin. AF i due on Sunday and I am getting the usual cramps so I know month 1 is out. 5 more months then we will see where we are.

2fingers22018 Thu 01-Nov-18 09:22:14

I know its been a few wks since anyone posted on here but some of your stories really hit home girls..@NV42 i feel like ive wasted my life too by waiting to long to have kids it is a blame game you play with urself but how were we meant to know its soooo frustrating!

Runner31 Thu 01-Nov-18 16:42:46

I feel the same @2fingers22018. But then sometimes I think if my husband and I had children previously, before we were truly ready or before our relationship had strengthened to the point it has I'm not sure we would have survived. It's a real test of your relationship going through a miscarriage and for us ivf.

2fingers22018 Thu 01-Nov-18 17:06:27

@Runner31 soo true me and my OH never argued before all this now we re barely even havin sex its took its toll😢

Guio Thu 01-Nov-18 17:54:40

Hello,I feel that my relationship is stronger now during IVF but I wonder if it is only the beginning as it my first.I hope it keeps strong as I have read so many bad stories about breakups.

2fingers22018 Thu 01-Nov-18 18:35:48

@Guio we had it rough for a while but we ve stopped arguin as much now but the sex life has been affected its takin away chance to be romantic

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