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Waiting for your turn

(9 Posts)
IveGotAnElasticHeart Sat 06-Oct-18 00:13:36

How to make a baby in a few easy steps...

In the beginning it’s exciting. You’re both full of optimism and sex feels purposeful.
You talk about how wonderful it will be to see those two lines, you work out when your baby would arrive.

As time goes on, the pressure mounts. You snipe at each other, harboring secret fears about your own fertility. And his.
Sex is perfunctory and regulated. The fucking static smiley rules your lives.

Then comes a month where you have given up on symptom- spotting and knicker- checking. A late period. A positive test. In that 2 minute window, everything changes. You did it. You conceived. Relief, joy, planning. Then you bleed. Hope trickles away. People tell you at least it was early, at least you know you can get pregnant. You avoid people.

Grief, anger, confusion, blame, fear. You face the gauntlet of emotions. You feel alone. Every other woman in the world has what you do not.

But you’re determined. Whether it’s a biological urge, a stubborn streak or the deep emptiness of loss- something spurs you on to do it all again.

Months pass, it feels endless. The luteal phase becomes the most anticipated time of the month. The disappointment of your period and the effort of the fertile window behind you. Time to be hopeful once again. Schrödinger’s baby.

Finally- two lines, pregnant 1-2 weeks. It was all worth it after all. You live in a cocoon of excitement. A few weeks pass, you add appointments to the calendar. You dream.

You go for a scan. That dream dies. Hospital, pills, pads. You cry and seethe and bleed on the bathroom floor. Infection, retention, hospital, surgery. You leave empty. Leave to heal. And do it all again.

Your due dates come and go, people forget, think you should move on. Your friends have children that walk, talk, go to school, go to university.

You wait in the starting position. Never moving forward.

Ovulation tests, pregnancy tests, vitamins and sperm-friendly lubricants. Clearblue and fucking FRER- will bleed you dry.

1 week of bleeding and crying, 1 week of testing and fucking, 2 weeks of waiting and hoping. Repeat ad nauseam.

Waiting for your turn.

Dia12 Sun 07-Oct-18 00:15:15

Heatbreaking and so beautifully written. Wishing you success in your journey and a happy ending x

Runner31 Sun 07-Oct-18 07:24:56

So perfectly timed for me. Thank you.

IveGotAnElasticHeart Sun 07-Oct-18 10:14:23

Thank you x
May it all work out for each of us

Maximoo06 Sun 07-Oct-18 10:43:18

So raw and true just like this fucked up battle we face.

BlueSarah Sun 07-Oct-18 11:46:37

Well that just made me cry my eyes out. All too familiar x

IveGotAnElasticHeart Sun 07-Oct-18 17:15:19

thanks for us all.
It's such an isolating experience- feeling less than and resentful of others. Then hating yourself for that. It changes you.
As much as I would never wish this on anyone, it is a comfort not to be alone.

SandysMam Sun 07-Oct-18 17:20:18

Beautifully written flowers

twinkledag Sun 07-Oct-18 22:46:17

thanksthanksthanksthanks

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