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How do you cope with giving up for DC2?

(15 Posts)
WeedyPigeon Mon 03-Sep-18 18:42:49

After 2.5 years of trying for DC2, we’ve decided to keep trying till the end of the year and then give up. How do you cope with it? How do you stop knowing when your FW is? How do you adjust to the idea that it isn’t going to happen? I’m 41 and have conceived twice. The first was ectopic and I lost a tube, and the second was my DC (3).

And although I know the comments might be well-meaning, I’d really appreciate if people didn’t say ‘as soon as you relax/give up trying, it’ll happen!’ because it won’t and pretending otherwise does not help.

Thanks and flowers to anyone going through similar.

WeedyPigeon Mon 03-Sep-18 20:50:07

Bump

Blankspace4 Mon 03-Sep-18 21:21:36

Hello @weedypigeon. Have you considered IVF, or undergone tests to find out the state of play with your fertility (and your partners?)

ReggieKrayDoYouKnowMyName Mon 03-Sep-18 21:25:15

Have you seen your GP? I think that you should before you write it off completely.

WeedyPigeon Mon 03-Sep-18 21:52:37

Thanks both for your responses!

We’ve been to the doctor. DP’s sperm is apparently fine and all that is apparently wrong with me (aside from my age) is that my thyroid was under active. I’ve been on Levo for a few months and I think it’s fairly stabilised now. I’ve also had a HyCoSy.

We aren’t going to have IVF. If we didn’t already have one DC I think we would, but it’s a bigger chuck of money than we can afford all at once, especially when the chance of success is so low. I’m just feeling so disheartened about the whole thing.

Nubbin Mon 03-Sep-18 21:53:09

I'm 38 - had dd at 30 - we've just accepted it isn't going to happen. And now with the age difference I am not super sure we want it to happen although we don't take precautions. Dd is a lovely girl with great friends and cousins and we can afford so much more for her - which hadn't been a consideration when younger but as she grows and we have amazing experiences with her which we would have to row back if we had a baby in the mix makes us wonder if it is worth it.

It was hard in years 2-6 now i think we have embraced having an only whole heartedly. This year she turned 8 we went diving - something we massively did pre pregnancy and now can do as a family as PADI will accept her. There are upsides to having just the one. My siblings have 2-6 so I see the difference it isn't better - just different.

If they had been super close in age - great - now a huge shift in how we live. It has taken some time though as dh is one of 3 and I am one of 4 so different to our own experiences. X

Mayhemmumma Mon 03-Sep-18 22:00:39

Slightly different but I've not been on contraception for over 4 years and no hint of baby number 3. (Im 34)

As the years have gone on I've decided I can't cope with the monthly wait for the inevitable and now I feel the age gap is getting too big and I'm finding life easier as my two get older, selfishly now I've begun to think it wasn't to be and maybe that's ok for me (My DH is gutted)

I also wouldn't pay for Ivf (would have for first) and am thankful for what I do have.

If you can convince yourself that it's ok and life will be good without DC2 I'd say give in but with control. I've just gone back on the pill which is a bit ridiculous as I can't get pregnant but it takes away the 'maybe this month'.

If your heart isn't in giving up you'll just have to battle on and keep hoping. Good luck

WeedyPigeon Mon 03-Sep-18 22:05:07

*chunk

Jenbot78 Mon 03-Sep-18 22:19:03

Weedypigeon have you considered the autoimmune side of your thyroid issues? I have Hashimotos. I was diagnosed with under active thyroid by GP but that is often a fraction of the story of what is really going on in your body. They aren’t interested in Hashimotos, just put you on Thyroxine and say you’re fine. Let me know if you want more info, I have a couple of links I can send.

WeedyPigeon Mon 03-Sep-18 23:23:51

Yes please *@Jenbot78*!

Jenbot78 Tue 04-Sep-18 17:48:41

Ok, so a good place to start is here:

www.webmd.com/women/hashimotos-thyroiditis-symptoms-causes-treatments#1

This talks about the inflammation in the body and fertility (a bit)

www.unexplainedinfertilityinfo.com/thyroid-disorders/

www.webmd.com/women/hashimotos-thyroiditis-symptoms-causes-treatments#1

This talks about infertility of people with Hashimotos:

www.hindawi.com/journals/ije/2014/982705/

Basically, the bottom line is that Hashimotos affects fertility as it causes inflammation in the body. No-one really fully understands the mechanisms around this fully, but many women have had success by changing their diet to remove things that cause inflammation such as sugar, gluten and dairy. I myself conceived with IVF and steroids having been in the "unexplained" category for three years. BUT I still think that if I had steroids without IVF I may have also conceived. We will never know...

The first thing you need to do is get your antithyroid antibodies tested. If they are out of range (need to check but I think over 60) then you have inflammation in your body. Mine were over 1500!! I did feel pretty crap even when I was medicated on thyroxine. Giving up gluten made a world of difference to me.

A word of warning: don't expect any help from GPs or endocrinologists on this! You may have to pay for the test privately although worth a shot asking the GP...

I follow a lot of groups/FB pages and Twitter feeds etc. on the subject, so please do get back to me if you want me to hook you up with them. GOOD LUCK!!!

hoping2018 Tue 04-Sep-18 21:34:25

Hi @WeedyPigeon

I also have hashimotos - we had ivf due to MFI and I'm currently 18/40 - we never had to look into immune factors and with respect to the pp I would be careful where you spend your money (especially if it's unsupported by the mainstream medical professionals)

One thing I would def say for thyroid in TTC though is your TSH must be <2.5. Lots of GPS code <5 as normal (which it is in the normal population) but if TTC it should be lower - apologies if you're already aware of this. Good luck

Jenbot78 Tue 04-Sep-18 22:28:58

Hiya, I definitely agree not all people with Hashimotos have immune fertility issues and I am in no way suggesting that OP should look into the treatment that I had. As you say there is a great deal of debate around this. Immune therapies are not supported by the NHS for good reason; they can’t endorse treatment that hasn’t had randomised controlled trials done. There is quite a good article here about this debate- it seems doctors are very divided on this!

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/society/2016/nov/12/can-mayonnaise-cure-infertility

What I am saying though is that Hashimotos can have an impact on women’s health; their hormones (many women with Hashimotos have oestrogen dominance so not producing enough progesterone) their adrenal system and other areas such as weight gain, fatigue etc. If OP is having issues in this area this might be a clue to dig a little deeper. Lifestyle changes can have a profound effect on women’s wellbeing and that includes fertility.

This is slightly off topic for OP who has stated that she doesn’t want IVF but I’ll share anyway: I had one failed IVF with the NHS. At age 37, I was told that I should try donor eggs even though I had an AMH of 23. In spite of my TSH being well within range for pregnancy I felt lousy; overweight, fatigued, IBS symptoms, bad PMT, low mood. I was repeatedly told by endocrinologists and GP that as my TSH was in normal range I should be fine. Once I overhauled my diet and lifestyle in line with what is suggested for people with autoimmune issues and in particular Hashimotos (again not scientifically evidence based but LOTS of anecdotal evidence) reduced stress and other things I felt fantastic.

We will never know whether I might have got pregnant without IVF after I had made those changes. As it was time was ticking on and we made a pragmatic decision to just get on with it.

I suppose all I’m saying to OP is to leave no stone unturned and to look deeper than what the GP says. There are many many patients who are still shocked and upset that they don’t get their symptoms taken seriously.

I am sorry if I got on my soapbox hoping ! I feel very passionate about all this as you probably gathered! I have spent a good few years immersing myself in the topic.

Jenbot78 Tue 04-Sep-18 22:31:30

Also hoping congrats on your pregnancy!

WeedyPigeon Thu 06-Sep-18 22:31:33

Thank you Jenbot! I’m going to have a proper look when I get the chance. Hashimoto’s had been mentioned to be by a friend so I’d like to look into it more.

And congratulations Hoping!

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