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Was I right to be upset?

(16 Posts)
NoNotheresnolyrics Mon 18-Jun-18 08:56:06

I think I’ve become bitter.

Been TTC for 3 years with a ruptured ectopic in between. I know three years isn’t long compared to some but it’s still a bit shit.

Just come back off holiday we’re I saw a heavily pregnant lady with a toddler and a baby in a pram. She was sharing a cigarette with her partner which upset me but I brushed it off, then she took a grinder out of her bag and proceeded to grind up some cannabis and roll a joint and smoke it. (I was in a country we’re its decriminalised). I got really upset and left (we were on a beach). My husband came after me furious and said that Im bitter and mean and should mind my own business. He’s right I know, I need to sort myself out.

I just got upset this morning reading a wedding invite were it said that their day was all about children and “bringing children to the wedding was mandatory ( If you have them!)” which made me cry. I feel like everyone’s trying to make me feel bad for having a defective body and for not being part of the parenting club! I know that’s not true though as people are just getting on with thier lives.

I need to be happy again and stop being so sad 😞

NoNotheresnolyrics Mon 18-Jun-18 09:12:31

Sorry for the obvious moan, but I have no one I can talk to in real life about this x

Fee6 Mon 18-Jun-18 11:03:15

Sorry you are struggling to deal with it all. I hope you can find someone to talk with.

WinkysTeatowel Mon 18-Jun-18 11:07:19

No need to apologise for feeling sad. I think it's perfectly reasonable to feel frustrated if you think someone is 'spoiling' something you would love to have the chance to cherish. However, you have to try to live and let live, whilst clearly those parents were irresponsible it's not related to your situation, just breathe and move on.

Fingers crossed for you thanks

RB68 Mon 18-Jun-18 11:10:41

I think your DH was mean and unreasonable. I think you overreacted somewhat. Leaving is different to storming off. I understand your discomfort but you just need to leave or remove yourself and not make a bit deal out of it.

As to the wedding invite - nothing was aimed at you - it does sound as if you are at the end of your tether with this and 3 yrs is along time. It might be worth asking if any counselling is available - at least you will have a willing and sympathetic ear as DH doesn't appear to fit that role just now

auntyflonono Mon 18-Jun-18 11:10:53

Your husband was wrong to be furious, you are not bitter or mean, you are trying to cope with something difficult.

NoNotheresnolyrics Mon 18-Jun-18 11:34:33

@Fee6 thank you x

@WinkysTeatowel thank you, you are completely right, I need to live and let live. I think that’s what my other half meant in his own way. I’m just making myself bitter x

RB68 I did over react, I couldn’t enjoy my time on the beach after seeing it (they were sat next to us) but really it’s none of my business what other people do, it just made me feel sad that I’m trying to be super healthy and my body doesn’t work and she gets to smoke drugs and is obviously fertile. I suppose I was jealous.i know the wedding invite wasn’t aimed at me and was really lovely, I wish I could be happy or others.

@auntyflonono thank you for your reply I wish I could cope better, I’m turning into a horrible person xx

Harveyrabbit76 Mon 18-Jun-18 16:17:34

Hi,

I know what you are going through. I tried for 4 years and had 3 failed IVF cycles and was told I had a very low chance of ever conceiving (less than 5%) because I hardly had any eggs left. Unless you have been through it, its hard to understand how much the process consumes you. The not drinking coffee or booze, trying to do everything conducive to conceiving but it not working. Its then a real slap in the face when you realise that other people just fall pregnant no matter what and you just feel a failure. I don't think you over reacted, the anger you felt is part frustration I imagine. Just keep going, do something that makes you happy and try and forget a bit.
Just a glimmer of hope, I decided to just get on with my life and decided to approach an egg donor. Shortly afterwards I became naturally pregnant with my daughter and I am pregnant again at 42. I had pretty much come to terms with it not happening to me and I was drinking coffee and booze like no-one's business. I know it won't happen for everyone but you never know. Best of luck xxx

NoNotheresnolyrics Mon 18-Jun-18 16:48:46

@Harveyrabbit76 thank you for your kind words, it’s lovely to hear your positive story. 😊💐

star1980 Mon 18-Jun-18 16:54:38

I second the suggestion of counselling. I know what it’s like - I tried for 2.5yrs with a cancelled ivf cycle. There comes a time when you reach the end of your tether and you can’t enjoy life at all without feeling all consumed and tbh (for me at least) bitter. I reached a point where I couldn’t even pretend to myself that I felt happy for friends at their pregnancies but sad for me - I wasn’t happy for them at all, just envious and angry and inconsolable. My partner and I decided to go for separate counselling at the same time and it really helped to talk it through with someone else. I also started opening up to friends who weee going through similar and that helped me keep a lid on things at other times.

To answer your question, I actually think your reaction was normal to both the woman on the beach and the wedding invite. Your dh is just trying to cope in his own way and is struggling, but I don’t think he should have had a go at you. This is why we went for counselling as we were dealing with things slightly differently and would end up bringing each other down.

flowers for you. It is beyond shit.

NoNotheresnolyrics Thu 21-Jun-18 08:22:49

Thank you for all your replies 💐

physicskate Thu 21-Jun-18 09:42:21

All of your feelings are valid. You're allowed to feel whatever you feel!!! However, if your feelings aren't helping you, or are making you (and you marriage?) suffer, counselling might help you sort through the jumble in your head a bit and help you understand your emotions a bit better...

Hugs. It is shit.

beenandgoneandbackagain Thu 21-Jun-18 09:46:39

Just a YY to what physicskate said.

Your feelings are valid, and however you need to process this is the right way. Many of us have been there. I have my miracle after 10 years and 3 lots of IVF, but I still remember the hurt, the pain, the not being able to walk past the baby aisle at the supermarket without crying. It's horrible and doubles the pain when you see uncaring parents.

I hope you get your miracle one day.

NoNotheresnolyrics Thu 21-Jun-18 13:26:52

Thanks both, great advice.

@physicskate I’ve followed your story over the past year (I’m a bit of a lurker and habitual mumsnet quitter/rejoiner) I hope all goes well with your IVF xxx

physicskate Thu 21-Jun-18 13:35:12

Aw thanks. I hope you're ok at the moment. It really does suck...

NoNotheresnolyrics Thu 21-Jun-18 14:18:52

physicskate feeling better thanksI’m in the tww so feeling a bit more optimistic 😊 I’ll be off to the doctors if it doesn’t work this month, I’ve put that off for long enough I think x

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