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Failed ivf feeling lost

(15 Posts)
herewegoagain18 Tue 13-Mar-18 07:45:42

I have written my own post as the threads i have found for failed ivf seem to be for ladies with multiple failures so didnt want to offend anyone or it to feel an insult posting with my feelings after one attempt.

I have just had my first round of ivf (funded for one cycle by the NHS) after being diagonised with unexplained infertility last year. No known factors on either side. Both 32 .

Started to not try but not prevent in 2012 then had laprascopy to diagnose mild endometriosis (although told this would not affect fertility) and a futher keyhole surgery. Resumed ttc in 2014 fell pregnant after 3 months much to my shock which ended in very early miscarriage (5+1 so classed as chemical pregnancy).
Ttc since with no luck.

The ivf cycle went better than we could of hoped with 6 fertilised eggs out of 8 collected and very little side affects. Had 2 embryos transferd and rest left to grow, 3 made it to early blastocyst/blastocyst stage. Sadly non suitable to freeze. However we had to count our blessings that we had got this far with basically no blips.

Started to bleed last week and just knew it was over, hubby held out hope until official test day yesterday. Confirmed with negative.

Hubby very quiet now hes accepted the cycle failed. Hes not talking about his thoughts or feelings on it ,just shutting off from it.

His family were aware and very supportive but overly excited and convinced this round would work (which worried me as I'm aware first rounds are generally expected to fail). Think it built him up and now he's had a big fall.

If im honest as much as I know the chances of success on the first go are low I still let myself get my hopes up. Now I just feel so heartbroken.

Have supportive friends and family but they have not been through ivf themselves or even have fertility struggles so dont really know how to support me or what to say. The few on my side that knew also thought this would work .

They have all said things like "keep trying naturally", "you never know your miracle might be round the corner" or talking about next steps. Or next time will be different.
They think because of our ages and the fact that I got pregnant once before its bound to all work out .

I don't want to talk about next steps right now. I just want to lick my wounds and come to terms with the fact that, although it doesn't mean we won't be successful in the future, for now the hopes I had for this turn are gone. all that time mostly emotionally invested in this has amounted to nothing .

Just feel so empty and hollow right now.
Thanks for reading if you got this far.

hopingforutopia1 Tue 13-Mar-18 08:03:31

Hi herewegoagain
I can echo everything you've just said. We've just had our first unsuccessful round of ICSI and ploughed a lot of emotion, time, effort and finances into it. It too came to nothing. I never expected it to hit me so hard. I've had losses/deaths in the past but this is something far different. For me, nearly 42, I feel that I should possibly make peace with not having children. Its not something I want but I'm just past it now.

thanksto you on your journey.

Juststrugglingabit Tue 13-Mar-18 12:52:36

I understand how you feel, our first round failed too. It really does not matter how many rounds you have tried, you will always get your hopes up and then feel devastated if things don't work out. You were not wrong to get your hopes up - why on earth would any of us go through all this if we didn't hope to get pregnant? Hard to hear right now, but the hope is what will keep you going when you try again.

You are wise to give yourself some time to heal and you'll know when the time is right to have another go. We went for it very quickly in the end because that felt right to us. Some people give it a few months. Either way is fine.

As an aside, I get so exhausted with all the 'oh it might happen naturally' stuff and I think you should feel free to tell people that while you appreciate their positivity, it's not helpful to you.

bjonesreborn Tue 13-Mar-18 14:16:05

Hi hope I could have written your post this time last year. Unexplained infertility. 1st round of ivf went exactly to plan, had 2 put back in. Got to 9dp5dt and that was it. None to freeze.
As just said only you will know when the time is right to have another go, if that is what you choose. I was adamant when it failed last year I would never go through it again.
However 1 year on, i’ve Changed clinics and I am currently down regging with a view to starting stims next week. Bizarely my predicted ET is to be a year to the day since my last one.
Just look after yourself and your OH and try not to listen to the do-gooders with their constant waffle about “relaxing, not thinking about it, not being stressed, I had a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend rubbish “ x

bjonesreborn Tue 13-Mar-18 14:41:07

Sorry why I said hope I have no idea - was meant to be to herewegoagain

herewegoagain18 Tue 13-Mar-18 14:53:41

Hi Hopingforutopia1

Thankyou for your reply. I did see your post and did consider adding a reply, was unsure as I appreciate at 42 your coming at this from a bit of a different place to me flowers

I am so sorry for you that your cycle failed it is just so heartbreaking isn't it my heart goes out to you. I too am shocked at how hard it's hit. I knew it wouldn't feel good if It failed. But this is awful. I feel devastated.

Somebody on this board said infertility is a grief that gets worse over time not better. Wise words.

My heart and thoughts are with you flowersflowersflowers xxxx

herewegoagain18 Tue 13-Mar-18 15:18:33

That's OK bjonesreborn I understood it was for me . Thankyou for your kind post .
It's a horrible blow isn't it?

It was almost to the letter yours and my cycle. Only difference i had a day 3 transfer . Started to bleed also at 9 days past transfer. It came as a shock as I wasn't expecting it. I thought I would test and depending on the result the bleed would come once I stopped prostegene.

I'm really pleased you felt able to to do another round after some time away to regroup. That is really bizzare about the transfer date!

And yes I have already heard about a friend of a friend who had failed ivf then went on to have 3 naturally. It's wonderful that happened for them but theres nothing to say that will be the outcome for me. I know its meant well but its just so tiring.

Thankyou again and I really wish you every success with moving onto stims and your next cycle star xxx

herewegoagain18 Tue 13-Mar-18 15:21:54

I meant to add in post I'm sorry you find yourself in this boat too flowersflowersflowers xxx

herewegoagain18 Tue 13-Mar-18 15:59:53

Hi Juststrugglingabit

You are completely right it's natural to hope and it wouldn't make sense to invest so much into something without a possible worthwhile outcome. I think i just allowed myself to pin too much on this one try. Maybe with experience i will know better for next time. But who's to say I probably would feel the same either way as you pointed out, we will still hope regardless of the cycle number.

I'm glad you felt ready to go for it soon after, as maybe leaving it too long would leave room for doubt or anxiety (that would probably be my issue given the choice).

As an aside, I get so exhausted with all the 'oh it might happen naturally' stuff and I think you should feel free to tell people that while you appreciate their positivity, it's not helpful to you

Your bang on I think I'm just to concerned with offending people or them feeling I am throwing there support back at them. As they are well meaning. But you are right will need to start voicing my thoughts a bit more. Self preservation.

Thankyou for replying. it isn't clear from your post if you had success or not but I wish you luck in whatever you do flowers flowersflowers

To update the nurse from the hospital called to follow up about my negative result and was very kind and sympathetic . She did ask if i wanted to book an appointment with the doctor to discuss this cycle. I said at a later stage it may be helpful at the moment i don't feel discussing what went wrong will be helpful.

She went on to say would i want to come in for discussion for the next round and i explained i wasnt in the position for the immediate future to self fund .As she was unaware i was just funded for one cycle (there are other people refferd there whos ccg funds 3 cycles) she was confused as to why i would need to self fund. So having to say the words this was my only funded round was painful and felt final so it set me off sad

She's putting me forward for counselling which shouldn't be too long a wait and the appointment with Dr will be in a couple of months



hopingforutopia1 Tue 13-Mar-18 19:20:43

herewegoagain really sorry to hear its been confirmed. Many flowers. It sounds like your clinic is far better than mine. The nurse just phoned and said that it was a negative. She didn't even offer a follow up consultation and counselling has never been mentioned throughout all of this. I really did expect more of this clinic. We spent ages searching for one that seemed to have the best, more natural approach but no, we were very wrong. We have just felt like part of a fertility production line.

I seem to have a more positive mind today. It may be the drugs wearing off? I went to a Zita West seminar last night which was insightful. Some of it was obvious sales patter but there was loads of useful nutrition/well being information. Again, it made my first cycle clinic look extremely terrible. I bit a do-gooder friend's head off yesterday for saying "chin up" etc. Only people going through this really do understand. Today, I apologised, as did she. I quite like hearing the positive stories but only when I'm in a positive frame of mind IYSWIM. OH and I have booked a week's break and will be spending time switched off, eating well, doing yoga, talking and of course DTD wink. My appetite went haywire after hearing the bad news on Friday so am now trying to get back on track with my IVF regime.

We can either give up or carry on. Right now I think I will carry on.

hopingforutopia1 Tue 13-Mar-18 19:25:08

I stumbled across this today:

Its based on HFEA data from 1999 to 2009 so the way I'm seeing it due to advances in IVF technology the stats may have improved. Personally I've grown tired of all the different stats bandied around, especially for my age group. This too gave me a little hope as the stats on here seem better than the majority I have seen. I don't know whether it will help you guys...

bjonesreborn Wed 14-Mar-18 11:40:35

Hi here and everyone else (sorry on my phone and keep losing track)
I remember being so disappointed that my follow up appt was ages away after the failed cycle. Was it helpful - in all honesty, no not at all, they couldn’t tell me exactly why it had failed but gave me a few reasons. No shit Sherlock, I worked them out myself! We are also self funded, and were for the first too - only because I was 6 months over the nhs cut off, which is a whole different story that makes me angry. As an aside I didn’t go for counselling, although the clinic did offer it, I just felt it wasn’t for me.
Changing clinic was the best move I made, I could never go back to the city where my first clinic was let alone the clinic. It wasn’t necessarily anything they did wrong that was all in my head.
This round may not work either, who knows, but I Have done things a bit differently in order to try and make a difference. I’m not sure what we will do if it fails as we certainly can’t afford another round, but hopefully we won’t get to that point!
Anyway to all of you ladies, whatever you decide to do and when you decide to do t is completely your choice. And (this is how I feel) as much as I love my real life friends and value their advice, if they haven’t been through ivf they just don’t get it.

herewegoagain18 Thu 15-Mar-18 23:22:29

Hi Ladies
Sorry for the delay in coming back to the thread

Hi bjonesreborn

That's OK and that must have been very frustrating to have that long wait just to be told,basically, what you already knew confused

That is very very tough that you didn't get the first round funded . I feel guilty when I have written on here or other threads 'only' getting the one round as I am so greatfull for just the one as some ccgs do not fund any or there are strict restrictions or cut off points. I knew we could not afford to self fund so it was golddust. But also meant even more put into this round working.

I'm glad you felt changing clinics was a positive move if that helped to take away any associations. Let's hope with that and the changes you have made this will be your round I'm keeping everything crossed for you smile

And your right regarding friends not having gone though ivf they just don't get

herewegoagain18 Fri 16-Mar-18 00:04:32

Hi hopingforutopia1

How are you coping today hope your ok?

I dont think i was clear with earlier post. I tested at home was given otd date and sent an email (couldn't face a phone call sad ). The nurse called to follow up with me after my email. She asked about the counselling after I broke down in tears on the phone blush

I'm so sorry you have had such a disappointing experience with the clinic and felt like just another number at the clinic. The hormones/drugs are horrible for dealing with already really difficult emotions .

I did read a couple of Zita west's books covering a fertility diet and do admire her approach and techniques.

I'm really pleased to hear you feel more positive and you will carry on and hopefully with looking into some other clinics you find another more suitable and will feel confident and happy going forward.

As an aside i think would have difficulty too with someone ,however well meaning, saying "chin up" and keeping from getting irritated. It's a very flippant thing to say in regards to a failed cycle. Glad you both resolved it though and moved forward .

The link is actually really helpful , usually I don't find statistics very helpful if not in a positive mindset. That's a tool tailored to your own circumstances so feels a little more reachable ,Thankyou flowers

hopingforutopia1 Fri 16-Mar-18 09:53:45

I'm not too bad herewego. Follow up consultation was yesterday. I was armed with a 3 page list of questions which were all answered. The good news is that all seemed great with me considering my age. The bad news is it looks like the issue is OH's sperm. They had improved since his SA but still aren't great. The embryos were okay until day 3 when the sperm seemed to "take over". All we can do is carry on being super healthy and try again soon. Definitely opting for a different clinic. A no point in all of this has counselling been mentioned to me. Maybe I appear to be too together and they think I don't need it? This is probably the worst thing I've ever been through.

I loved the stats. I'm a bit of a data geek. As said there are far too many fertility/infertility stats out there that will send you on a downward spiral. The stats on that site are great as you can adjust according to your situation.

How are you holding up? Take each day as it comes. Grieve, cry, let it all out. It will pass and you will be able to move on. flowers

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