Aibu not to tell my mum about tests for infertility ?

[Rlkeating93]

Hi so I’ve recently started my journey for testing for myself and partners infertility, we have been trying for 3 years with no success.

Had my first gp appointment back in December who ordered the usual tests, bloods, swaps, pelvic scan and also semen test for other half, now I haven’t told my mum in much detail about what is going on, she knows I’ve been at the hospital today but doesn’t know why, she rang me earlier asking how today went and told her it was fine but I wouldn’t divulge any more information as I don’t like talking about the problems me and my partner are having around trying to start a family and feel that it is none of her business and find it quite a private matter however a close friend of mine who knows what’s going on has already told my mum of the situation and my mum is playing dumb and waiting for me to tell her exactly what’s going on etc.

She got upset on the phone and said that I only go to her when I need something which isn’t true, she’s upset with me but I feel like she is just being too nosey and trying to get more information from me when she already kind of knows what’s happening.

AIBU to not just tell her exactly and upfront ?

[Rlkeating93]

.

[Rlkeating93]

Hi so I’ve recently started my journey for testing for myself and partners infertility, we have been trying for 3 years with no success.

Had my first gp appointment back in December who ordered the usual tests, bloods, swaps, pelvic scan and also semen test for other half, now I haven’t told my mum in much detail about what is going on, she knows I’ve been at the hospital today but doesn’t know why, she rang me earlier asking how today went and told her it was fine but I wouldn’t divulge any more information as I don’t like talking about the problems me and my partner are having around trying to start a family and feel that it is none of her business and find it quite a private matter however a close friend of mine who knows what’s going on has already told my mum of the situation and my mum is playing dumb and waiting for me to tell her exactly what’s going on etc.

She got upset on the phone and said that I only go to her when I need something which isn’t true, she’s upset with me but I feel like she is just being too nosey and trying to get more information from me when she already kind of knows what’s happening.

AIBU to not just tell her exactly and upfront ?

[Margomyhero]

Everyone is different.

I keep all medical issues to myself otherwise DM gets over involved. Prefer to just get on with it

Other people though like to share.

[NewSense]

I didn't tell my mum either. Totally nobody else's business. Tell who you want to tell. The fact that your mum knows a bit complicated it, but that doesn't mean she deserves for you to tell her everything. Just say that you appreciate her concern, but you're fine and dealing with things your own way and that if there is ever anything that you want to discuss with her then you will. She should back off if she cares more about you than about her own need to be nosey.

[Dozer]

Sorry you’re going through this. It was awful of the mutual friend/family member to break your confidence.

Yanbu not to want to discuss details but perhaps better not to mention appointments at all as it invites Qs.

If you have a good relationship with your mum you could simply say you are going through fertility problems but don’t wish to discuss it.

[HelloGabriel]

I completely understand and in hindsight probably wouldn't have told my Mum - she knows every detail of what's wrong with me and yet still comes out with shit like 'maybe if you relax it'll happen?'

[Rlkeating93]

She’s just text me there saying I’m sad that I feel you can’t talk to me and I’m your mum but I just feel it’s a private matter between myself and my partner and don’t want people getting involved, it’s not that I want to keep things from her but it’s a difficult time as it is without family being involved and knowing every detail, family eh 😂

[WasDoingFine]

I'd be so pissed off with my "friend"

[Rlkeating93]

I was off work with depression, so called “friend” came by and said ohh there’s nothing wrong with you you haven’t got depression, just have a baby and have time off work that way ! other half pipes up “she’s depressed because we’re struggling for years to have a baby” and then cue phone call from my mother the next day asking when I’m going to see her to talk !

[katieferg81]

We've been TTC for 5 years and have told neither set of parents of our struggles or various medical appts. I can barely deal with my own disappointment let alone their potential disappointment and besides which is none of their business ( and I say that as part of close families ). A handful of my friends and work colleagues know but thats it and they don't know every detail and if one of them broke my confidence and told my mum I'd be seriously pissed off and reconsidering the friendship.
Given your mum has had half a story and is likely worried about you I'd be inclined to tell her that you're having some investigation / tests but you're not ready to discuss and would like your privacy respecting. My mum would huff at this but then quickly get over it and leave me alone.
Good luck

[Winenight]

Agree with PP- your friend had no business telling your mum about about your personal matters!

You are not under any obligation to share this with anyone else- infertility is a hugely personal matter. We didn't tell anyone during the process of IVF, just the outcome when we finally got a BFP. However if your mum has half of the story already perhaps just tell her you are having some investigations and you will update her when there is news to tell. Hopefully she will respect your privacy.

I'm sorry that you are going through this- infertility is really tough and I wish you all the best on your journey.

[Dolwar]

We are going through the initial tests. I haven't even mentioned to my mum that we are TTC and have been for over 12 months.

[Worriedscot2207]

RlKeating93 sorry your going through this awful time ttc. Not sure your friend is really a ‘friend’ of they are telling your mum? If someone had told me something so personal I’d know to keep it to myself! How rude!
Me and my partner have been trying for years too! I only told my mum when I got appointments and she would ask how they went and didn’t question me too much as I told her I’ll tell you so don’t pester me! Think she took the hint!
Anyway after the 11 week MC she was amazing and she’s helped me massively to get though the grief but I do get frustrated that she just doesn’t get it’s all a waiting game and keeps pushing me to get more advice about IVF etc (not been referred yet) and keep pushing my GP about what happens next as I’m not getting any younger 🙄
Anyway, I’m here if you want to chat or rant. We’re all in the same boat and even though we don’t know each other I hope it gets better and you get your BFP. Infertility is a rotten bitch and wouldn’t wish it on anyone! Best of luck to you xox

[physicskate]

In a moment of sad desperation - I told my mother that we were having tests and said they had found that I had polycystic ovaries (maybe or maybe not pcos). Her response was, 'oh that's interesting. I did too.'

It made me feel better.

Three days later she told me she had lied and that she just wanted me to feel it 'wasn't my fault'?!?! She never had polycystic ovaries.

Parents can be assholes too. Sounds like your mum is (unjustifiably) making this about her when it isn't. I'd probably follow katieferg's advice above.

I'd never talk to that friend of yours again. What an unsupportive twat.

[Bubblegum89]

I kind of had the opposite problem. I write a blog about my fertility journey as I just find it helps me. My mum knows we are ttc and having trouble. She happened upon a post I made on my blog just saying I had felt a little low over Christmas (my younger sister is pregnant so was a lot of baby talk) and my mum started messaging me saying I was being selfish and trying to overshadow my sister when it’s “her time” etc. So I’ve decided not to share anything more with her. I actively didn’t talk freely around them about it anyway as to not want to be a burden and have people feeling awkward. But apparently my fertility issues are not as important as my sister’s pregnancy which, you know, whatever. It’s your perogative whether you speak to anyone about your issues or not. They are YOUR issues and there’s no unspoken rule saying you shouldn’t tell people, even your mum. I would just say that it’s not something you want to talk about right now. Good luck with everything