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How does your OH manage?

(11 Posts)
meadowlark3 Wed 18-Oct-17 20:31:10

My OH is quite optimistic and honestly it frustrates me. He says "we're trying, we're doing the right things," but that doesn't mean much to me. I've told him many times that it's entirely possible we won't get a healthy pregnancy but he keeps saying "we're doing the right things, don't worry." While I recognise I am sometimes too negative I feel it's creating a bit of tension between us and it almost feels like he's fobbing off my concerns, which hurts a lot. Especially with timed sex and how IF has changed that aspect of our relationship. Anyone else care to share thoughts or experiences?

geeup Wed 18-Oct-17 20:44:19

My DH was driving me apoplectic at the beginning of this journey when he wasn't taking my fears about being sub-fertile seriously (oh how I wish I'd been proved "paranoid"). He kept saying relax, it can take a while, it'll be fine, let's wait before doing tests, we're doing the right things (supplements, sex etc). It drove me mad I had to do all he pushing to go medical.
Then when we did ivf and the first cycle failed and he was disappointed but said the clinic warned us it'd take three cycles. Then i had a chemical on the second cycle and he was really disappointed but again said, it takes time, maybe next time etc.
Now I realise that thank god he is optimistic and believes it'll happen eventually because what if we were both down and depressed and hopeless and cynical at the same time. There's only space for one person to feel like that at a time and generally it's me! So I try and see the upside of his positivity and patience. Even when I'm feeling really hmm I try and remember that there is hope and there is time. Hope that helps a bit.

IsItIorAreTheOthersCrazy Wed 18-Oct-17 20:57:48

DH is also relentlessly optimistic and it sometimes drives me mad.

We haven't reached IVF yet but have confirmed issues (PCOS) and have tried clomid.
He seems convinced that "it'll happen at some point" and doesn't worry about it. It used to make me question if he really wants this the way that I do, as well as make me feel like I was being dramatic when I got upset that we weren't successful.
Then, Clomid made my hormones go off the charts and we had a 'discussion.' I was convinced nothing will ever work and was crying. DH did his usual 'it'll happen, don't worry' etc and I sort of exploded all of my thoughts and feelings. It sounds bad but it was actually good, DH finally cracked and said he felt like he needed to be positive because he couldn't handle thinking it wouldn't work and he hated seeing me struggle with every failed cycle, the tests and treatments.

Now he's gone back to being optimistic but I understand it, and it works. I take all the negative thoughts and work my way through them so he doesn't have to, and he supports me and my natural cynicism and stays steady for me to lean on.

JoJoSM2 Wed 18-Oct-17 21:38:43

I would find ‘we’re doing the right things, don’t worry’ quite a nicd thing to hear. All you have control over is doing the right thing.

What would you want him to say?

meadowlark3 Wed 18-Oct-17 22:31:25

Thank you ladies. Gee, yes, I suppose you can't have two pessimistic thinkers or you'd never get to your appointments.

Isiti, that's a good point, perhaps my DH is also in a bit of denial. He wants a baby so badly perhaps he just can't think any other ways to be. I'm glad your DH is such a steady support for you.

JoJo, I reckon I'd like him to just sympathise a bit, "sorry you're feeling so down, it's rubbish that we have to go through this." Or maybe just tell me he's worried too?

I reckon I might also be frustrated as I'm thinking back to the first year we were TTC and I wanted to have more timed shagging and he was "it doesn't matter, it will be fine," and I can't help but wonder whether we missed our window those months.

JoJoSM2 Wed 18-Oct-17 22:44:11

Oh... Perhaps it would help to tell him you'd like to have your feelings validated? On occasion I do ask DH to just nod along and say how everything is shit...

I'd be careful to overthink you first year of ttc to make sure you don't end up blaming or resenting each other. It's a lot to deal with so helps to be a team.

meadowlark3 Thu 19-Oct-17 07:10:13

Thanks JoJo. Yes, really shouldn't overthink. Reckon I just want answers which we will really never have. I do ask DH to validate a bit more and just feels like he's going through the motions so I'd almost rather not have him nod along. But perahps not fair to ask him to do that and should look into counselling as having a bit of a rough time at the mo. Thanks for your words. X

JoJoSM2 Thu 19-Oct-17 09:08:00

Well, it’s not always easy knowing how to support your partner best. We’ve honed our skills in therapy. With some practise, I’m sure your OH will learn to nod more convincingly ;)

ohbigdaddio Thu 19-Oct-17 10:45:09

meadowlark3 my DH is similar. He keeps saying "we'll get there, we'll get there eventually" and then I say "you don't know that though!" He's very supportive and is naturally the more optimistic of the 2 of us. Most of the time this works as otherwise we would both be down all the time. He really lifts me up and I need that. But maybe he's partly in denial like your DH – don't know if he's really considered a life without a child, whereas I have that in the back of my mind most of the time.

Sometimes you need DH to just say "yeah this is really shit", you just want that recognition of what a struggle it is, rather than being dismissed with "don't worry"s.

But if you can't get that from you DH you can get it here!

LisaSimpsonsbff Thu 19-Oct-17 12:13:25

We've been trying 14 months with three miscarriages along the way. My DH is also generally really optimistic and that used to bother me sometimes - he'd very much say 'it'll happen eventually!' and 'it's just not our time!' and that would infuriate me. Then the third miscarriage seemed to really change things for him - I think he was so certain that one would stick (I wasn't) and it really hurt him when it didn't. I remember coming home and finding him crying, and he said 'we might never have children'. I think that fear that I'd had for a while suddenly hit him. I guess I would have thought it was nicer to be on the same page, but it really wasn't - it made me feel worse, and also added to the guilt. I felt like I'd broken this happy, positive person. At the moment I'm a bit more optimistic and he's still very low about it, and gets more upset about other people's baby announcements, etc. than I do. It's easier now because I'm doing a bit better - when we were both despairing it really was quite bleak.

snowy1982 Thu 26-Oct-17 10:58:25

I can relate to everything being said on this thread.

On cycle 36 of TTC #1, have never had a hint of a BFP, all the investigations say we are in fine fertile health, and currently on my 5th cycle of IUI (have the option for 4 more) and on IVF wait list.

Sometimes I want to strangle DH, he barely shows any emotion in relation to TTC, every failed cycle he gives me a hug and says 'next time' or 'it will happen' and i just want to scream at him 'How the f$ck do you know that, why aren't you even half as upset as me'. But in reality I know that's just the sort of person he is, he is trying to support me by staying calm and optimistic and I know it would be worse if we were both depressed and crying etc. I would prefer it if he emoted a bit more about the whole process, because sometimes it makes me feel like I am in this on my own, but he is who he is.

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