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Failed 1st IVF attempt...feel devastated

(27 Posts)
ohbigdaddio Wed 18-Oct-17 18:00:00

Hi all, I'm sure this topic has been discussed time and again but just need someone to talk to. Bit of background, I'm 38 (nearly 39) and have never become pregnant naturally. l have a fibroid protruding into my womb by 10-20% which consultant wasn't concerned about and said would do more harm than good if they removed it.

I've just had my 1st round of IVF at Guy's and l started bleeding yesterday (OTD tomorrow) l did a test this morning and it was negative. lt's not a light bleed and I'm 99% sure it is my AF.

Feel utterly devastated and numb. Have hardly been able to cry, it's a shock. At every stage of treatment things seemed to be going well. 12 eggs collected which gave us 3 good embryos, 2 have been frozen and 1 was transferred on day 5. DH and l left the hospital so happy and hopeful on day of ET. Feel like a fool now.

How do you get through/over such disappointment? I'm terrified we will never be parents.

Thanks if you've got this far x

JoJoSM2 Wed 18-Oct-17 18:05:21

It's obviously completely gutting at the moment. However, hopefully you'll be look on the bright side soon - you have 2 more great Frosties.

geeup Wed 18-Oct-17 18:53:01

Sorry to hear that @ohbigdaddio I don't have a success story myself yet so hard for me to make you feel better. However my clinic always say you need to think of ivf as at least a course of 3 - lots of people do get pregnant on their first round but the majority don't. My first round I started bleeding 5dp5dt with a bfn. My second round I started bleeding at 5dp5dt but had a bfp leading to a chemical. I'm just hoping I'll be third time lucky.
Sometimes it takes a few goes to get the meds right. More often it's just luck and you try again without changing much. It's so sad and scary and frustrating but try not to give up hope. I'm trying myself anyway!

ohbigdaddio Wed 18-Oct-17 19:09:44

Thanks so much for taking the time to reply Geeup and JoJoSM2
lt is comforting to know there are people who are out there who know how I feel. Yes, our consultant said to see it as a 'journey' and to expect to have 3 cycles (at least). It's a bit of a crap journey, where are the good bits?! But l know what they mean - it's just very hard when you feel like you're running out of time and don't even know if your body can get pregnant.
Best of luck with your 3rd attempt Geeup really hope it works.

meadowlark3 Wed 18-Oct-17 19:20:12

Bigdaddio, so sorry to hear. I just had my first fresh cycle fail with Guy's too. I was prepared all along for something to go wrong with the stims, transfer, etc but when we made it to transfer our "beautiful" 5 day blast I let myself believe it might actually work, and was absolutely gutted when it didn't.

I'm still gutted TBH but am letting myself be sad when I need to and I'm starting to think about our next steps (we have two frozen embryos too) so I reckon time passing helps a bit. I'm also letting the idea that we might never be parents exist in my mind, it's very pessimistic but I feel I need to acknowledge it just a bit in case it does become our reality. It's awful but being too hopeful is also quite scary to me at the mo. I'm also somewhat reassured because more research is showing frozen transfers have better outcomes because your body is so pumped full of hormones from the stims that it's not as easy for an embryo to implant. So I hope that's true but again, can't be too hopeful because more disappointment feels like it might crush me sad

As gee said above, it really seems like some combination of statistics and luck for when it works and when it doesn't. The consultant told us to mentally prepare for three full cycles as that's what's recommended by NICE. For some people it happens sooner but for many it doesn't. So we have a couple of months to wait and try naturally and have the next months without injections, appointments and worry about moving goalposts, which is a shit consolation but all I can do to be positive right now.

Sending you a big hug. It's an awful process and sorry that your transfer didn't work this go. X

Clickncollect Wed 18-Oct-17 20:00:50

I remember that feeling well, so devastating. I'm so sorry - it's a horrible
Feeling.
I was devastated and took the next couple
of weeks off work sick (I barely had a sick day in 20 years of working and doctor just put gynae probs as I didn't want them to know)
When I went back for an FET, it worked and I have a 16 month old boy now.

So my advice is that just because the first one from your batch didn't take, it doesn't mean the others won't. Take some time now to get the drugs out of your system, be healthy, be UNhealthy and then get yourself fired up for a frozen embryo transfer.
I'm so sorry your first embryo didn't work and I really do wish you all the very best for your next steps xx

Landy10 Wed 18-Oct-17 20:12:45

Have you had a second opinion on the fibroid? I would defo do that before trying to use Frosties.
My first IVF failed too, like the majority. Worked eventually and have 2 little kids.

ohbigdaddio Wed 18-Oct-17 21:04:19

Thanks for your support. Landy10 We went to a private clinic when considering our options and the doctor there said I would need to have an investigation to look at the fibroid and potentially remove it. We were looking at a £3000+ bill privately or a 3 month wait on the NHS. When we went to Guys (who we had decided to have lVF treatment with) they said they wouldn't touch a fibroid that was only protruding into the uterus by 1cm and that it could cause scar tissue etc. The doctor practically begged us to promise we wouldnt have the operation. We really trusted her and decided to go with her opinion.

Meadowlark3 the embryologist at Guy's described our embryo as a "lovely" embryo too and as we had had no issues we assumed this was a great sign and really let ourselves believe it could happen. We might have even been in the waiting room at the same time! Big hugs to you it is awful and l really relate to your post. l keep thinking about a life without children as l know it could be a possibility, even though we want a family so much. l even started a thread a while back about coping with life without children as a way of exploring what that could look like. Fingers crossed we dont need to go down that route. xx

Click I work from home and am freelance so at least I can give myself time off and don't need to call in sick. It's one small mercy in all this. Glad you got your little boy x

Astella22 Wed 18-Oct-17 23:12:50

It's such a devastating feeling when your faced with the fact it hasn't worked. All those blood tests and scans for nothing sad. My top tip is don't obsess about why it failed as I've found you will rarely get an answer.
Don't give up hope though as the research shows it can take on average (for the people it does work for) 3 rounds.

ohbigdaddio Thu 19-Oct-17 09:30:27

Thank you astella22 I'm going to try my best not to obsess! lt's the emotional strain which is the worst. I've got a pregnant friend who wants to meet up next week so am going to have to put that on hold I think. That's when it just gets too hard to keep a smile on my face.

This is a great place full of supportive people. l know we are all having a tough time (or have had one) so thank you all for taking time to reply. x

Blondeshavemorefun Thu 19-Oct-17 21:56:56

Failure is absolutely awful. You go through all the drugs injections ec et then the wait and you wish and hope you are preg and then you ether bleed or test and negative

Many do say most get preg within 3 attempts

It took me 5 and on that cycle I was kinda well it's going to fail again so when I had my first ever bfp after 10yrs ttc I was gob smacked

Dd is now 6mths and I'm forvevee grateful ivf finally worked

I wish you all the luck and hope that one of your Frosties sticks

And doing a fet (I did two) it is so much nicer then a full cycle of ivf

You do have two Frosties - that's a bonus

ohbigdaddio Thu 19-Oct-17 22:14:10

Thanks blondes that's amazing after 10 years TTC! Wow. That gives me hope.

So many people have said 3 rounds is normal. It's just so tough mentally having to go through it all knowing it may or will fail!

Going to take rest of the week off. Feeling very numb at the moment and can't actually cry. Not sure why, wondering if I'm in shock?

ItsLikeRainOnYourWeddingDay Thu 19-Oct-17 22:19:02

First cycle is often a trial. They have no idea how your body will react to the drugs. My first cycle failed. My second worked. Hang in there. flowers

Blondeshavemorefun Thu 19-Oct-17 23:05:26

Sadly ivf has no guarantees

Often it works first time

Often it doesn't

Generally many are preg 3/4 attempts

Tho when my 4th failed I was omg. Not again

Def helped after Frosties from 3rd cycle

Yes your age is going to start to go against you if both Frosties fail

But also the more cycles you do the more they learn about drugs that suit you and amount

Tho Obv all the emotional physical and financial cost have an impact as well

Many clinics prefer fets now as say gives body a chance to recover from ec plus if they survive the defrosting process then means a good embryo

Tho Obv gets fail as well

ohbigdaddio Fri 20-Oct-17 07:30:27

Yes we are self funded at Guys as we don't fit the criteria for a free cycle so we can't do this forever. But I can see how it must be so easy to just want one last try if it doesn't work (if funds permit) and not know when to stop. We have our consultant appointment to discuss next steps in 5 weeks time...such a long time to wait. Wish we could just see someone next week. The waiting seems to be one of the worst things about infertility! 🙁

Thanks all and good luck to those in the same boat x

Blondeshavemorefun Fri 20-Oct-17 08:17:26

its very hard to say no, we were going to stop after two as just couldnt afford anymore

but took a year out, researched more, abroad was a lot cheaper s went there

saved, got a loan and put on credit card - still paying dd off but worth every penny

Blondiecub0109 Wed 15-Nov-17 14:39:30

Ladies I just stumbled across this after coming I here to find info/support after a heavy 3 day bleed 7dp5dt of an ‘outstanding’ embryo. Thank you all for sharing your experiences - although I would not wish them upon anyone - it makes me feel less alone. Clinic do not want to know until OTD on Sunday. We have 3 Frosties so trying to gear myself up mentally for eventual FET

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EarlGreyT Fri 24-Nov-17 06:39:06

Nice bit of spam there in the previous 4 posts

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TammySwanson Fri 24-Nov-17 08:06:26

Spammer daisy has reported (along with clara and luna on other threads). Shitty, morally corrupt advertising for morally corrupt Ukrainian clinics. Avoid.

isthismummy Fri 24-Nov-17 08:29:51

Reported as well. Wish these people would just fuck off😡

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